Union

54.

Maria
Everything hurts and Angeline hugs me too hard but I need that to know it's all reality, holding on to her with one arm I reach for Roel with the other. He does the same, one hand stroking my back and the other gripped in mine I search for strength from the only two people who know me.
I don't know how long I sit there holding on to them both when she moves back to take in a full breath and tries to hide the tears in her eyes. My sister has always struggled with showing her emotions too freely, I'm the opposite refusing to let them out but she hasn't mastered the art of guarding everything inside of her.
Patting my hand she gives me a tight smile and her doctor voice comes out. "We're going to go into the bedroom now, I'll talk you through everything I do." My eyes close knowing I need to and I squirm away from Roel. There's no one else in the room to witness my humiliation but it's worse that he is hearing it.
A sob gets trapped in my throat when the warm hand ghost over my back. Roel won't want me anywhere, he'll know I'm filthy. My muscles shake at the thought of being alone, but I push it aside tensing every part of treacherous body that failed me. The hand on top of mine squeezes until I open my eyes and Angeline helps me up supporting my weight when my limbs keeps refusing to help me.
Roel's soft footsteps follow us but I can't tell him to go away. I need him to not know anything and let me hide the filth that's settled under my skin. Choosing not to taint our bedroom, we go into the guest room and the door clicks closed. Roel stands by the headboard and Angeline tries to get me to lay down. My body finally does what I want going stiff, my throat burns from the words rushing out. "Leave I don't want you here." It's too strong with the panic inside of me and Roel's face falls. Softening my voice the scratch stays in my sore throat. "Please."
Jade eyes that usually sparkle are tinged in painful red when he looks at me and nods. Working around a swallow his voice is off and distorted bouncing around the room. "I'll be outside, engjëlli." Roel doesn't leave straight away despite his words, bringing his hand up to my face he stops before we touch and turns leaving us alone.
Now that my mind has adjusted to reality, I feel angry and hurt and everything but nothing. It's too much for me to be able to process and I can't watch him break while I do. Angeline cups my shoulder, the one Roel always pressed his lips to, and gently presses until I sit down on the edge of the bed. Pulling her bag closer she takes out gloves and different boxes but I'm staring at the door, I need Roel but I can't have him. He deserves everything, someone better than me that won't taint his life and being the filth into it.
The bed dips beside me, Angeline holds a gown folded in her lap loosely and a plastic cup. "Whenever you're ready." Her voice is too soft, everyone keeps talking to me like I'm a fucking weak. Anger fills me and I grab the items with too much force but I don't give a fuck. I'm not weak, they won't make me feel like I am. I'm strong and as long as I act like I don't care it won't bother me. The anger stays as I slam the bathroom door closes like a teenager having a tantrum.
I haven't looked at my body yet, slowly peeling back the layers I stare in the mirror looking at the flesh that resembles mine but isn't anymore. There are marks, scabbed welts and cuts over my knees from the rough stone but there's no dirt or blood.
Tracking up my body I stop when I reach my face, the stickiness is still there I can feel it. Running the water until the faucet is steaming from the heat I scrub ignoring the burn in my hands. My mother always said the only way to get rid of germs is by boiling them away, the hotter the water the more the DNA that isn't mine will die. The burning and red skin fuels me, my skin going raw as I try and get as many layers off as possible.
It doesn't work and I look for something to help me. The pumice stones call my name, and I scrub waiting for the shower to heat to boiling. Once the room is filled with steam I step under the spray wincing at the heat pelting my skin but I keep scrubbing, the rawness in my skin telling me to stop can shut the fuck up.
The water stops without my permission and I haven't been able to reach my back yet. Red angry scrapes mark down my body going to my legs and feet but I didn't do everywhere. I'm not clean yet. Hitting the controls it doesn't come back on. Why would it? My body didn't do what I told it to and now even the fucking water refuses to let me be clean.
A soft knock hits the door as Angeline calls my name. My throat protests the scream leaving me and punished me by ending in a croak. "Leave me alone!" She doesn't try again letting me have my rage when everything else refuses to fucking work.
Picking up the marble soap dispenser the weight feels good in my hand, it feels better when I launch it into the tile and destroy the pristine image. The little trinkets I thought would look nice for guests look better shattered on the floor and the bastard mirror reflecting the wrong body only shows fragments of it once I'm done.
My chest moves up and down rapidly with the anger still coursing through. Picking up the shard of mirror I look at my raw face in layers, the eyes are like mine but the dullness is new. My cheeks are more sunken in and there's dark circles adding to the parlour of skin. A cut where the rings hit my cheek but it's not swollen and the same matching mark on my lip.
The sharp edge digs into my palm as I tighten my hold and keep mapping the distorted features. It feels good telling me this is real as the warmth drips down my wrist and the door clicks open. Closing my eyes to stop anything else being real, I tighten my fist around the broken mirror.
Pain grounds me where nothing else will work until a forceful voice vibrates off the smashed tiles. "Maria put it down." I don't like hearing that voice say my name, it only ever calls me angel. Tightening my hold I block it out, the steps aren't getting closer. There's nothing for me to feel but the sting and I relax.
Someone grabs me making me lash out and but the fingers around my wrist aren't bruising. "No! Please don't, not again." My begging never worked but I still try, my stupid fucking brain not functioning properly to evolve and realise it's falling on deaf ears. "I will never fucking hurt you." His voice is normal again letting me know it's safe to open my eyes and Roel holds my wrist out away from my body. There are scratches all over his arms, deep lines already scabbed over but he doesn't flinch when I trace them gently.
Standing at my back he gently uncurls my fingers around the broke mirror. The first sound of pain leaving him when he looks at my palm and walks me towards the sink. Controlling my hand Roel turns on the cold water carefully wiping the blood away and he fills with anger against my back. "I won't let you hurt yourself either. You want to fucking torture and kill? I'll bring the cunts to you ready for whatever punishment you want to give." His voice is deadlier than I've heard it as we both stare at the proof this is reality slowly slipping between the shards in the sink and flowing down the drain.
Shaking my head no I fill with anger again, it doesn't just match his but exceeds it. Turning out of his hold I push against the solid chest I love hiding in. I don't have an argument and furious tears burn a hot trail down my cheeks as I keep pushing. I want him to react, to push me back or hit me. Maybe then it will be easier and he'll forgive me.
Roel doesn't rock back staying a solid wall and letting me keep pushing against him until the fight leaves me. Pulling me closer it comes back again and I try to hurt him, to pass the pain inside me to someone else so I don't have to deal with it.
Cupping the back of my head Roel bands his arm around my back not letting me go. "I'm here engjëlli." The whispered promise gets louder every time he repeats it. Pain flows back in with my anger dying and my voice is stronger begging him to accept me. "I'm sorry, I tried to stop them. Plea-please don't hate me." My voice cracks at the end but everything goes still.
Roel doesn't breath his arm a heavy weight around me and his heart beating too fast, thumping against my bloody hand angrily. He moves slowly, mechanically tilting my chin up and the red in his eyes is nothing but anger. Nostrils flaring and jaw clenched he bites the words out. "Do. Not. Say. That. Again."
Looking down I focus on nothing nodding my head. Obviously he doesn't want to hear it, why would he? It's easier to pretend nothing happened then everything will be normal. I should know I've been doing it my entire life but it burns now. I'd rather have his hate than ignorance. I done the same to him for years pretending he didn't exist now this is my punishment. All those years wasted when I could have had Roel by my side.
The knuckles under my chin turn soft gently stroking my jaw and Roel's lips touch my hair. Ripping my head back before he can fully press them into the filth his face falls. My eyes stay downcast directing my shameful whisper to the floor so I don't have to see his thoughts reflect mine. "I'm dirty."
Holding me tighter, the soft fingers turn harsher but not bruising as my face is tipped up to meet jade eyes. "You are mine, and you have never been, will never be, fucking dirty. If I want to kiss my wife I will, no fucker will stop me." Punctuating the declaration with an angry press of his lips to my forehead Roel softens and stays rooted to the spot.
Curling my arms around his waist I hold him tighter wanting to stay like this forever. "I love you, Maria Çami, engjëlli'm." Kiss to my temple. "Without beginning or end." Kiss to the other side. Roel cups my face in both hands and jade eyes full of love stare down at me. "I will kill for you and I will die for you." Pressing my lips into his jaw, the overgrown beard doesn't let me feel his skin. "Your hair is longer." I've been too trapped inside my mind that I didn't not until now. Roel always kept his hair the same, nearly religious with his barbers appointment that the man would come to our home to make sure he was always kept as he liked.
Stroking my cheeks with his thumbs I try not to physically move but everything inside of me moves back not wanting to get the dirt on him. "What did you do angel?" His question is full of pain but has me looking around confused. Seeing the destroyed space my shoulders hunch knowing I fucked up. "I'm sor-" Cutting me off he shakes his head and traces the raw parts of my face before moving lower and seeing the rest of my body. I'm naked and vulnerable but he won't hurt me. Roel won't hurt me, he'll keep me safe.