falling - the sequel

you found me

JO:

"Do-do" "Da-da" - I wake up to the most adorable voices in the universe and smile even before opening my eyes. By my bed, with questionable eyes and light pokes on my arm and cheek, are Christopher and Jonathan. Their small faces quickly inhabit the cutest smiles making their red cheeks even more adorable. I swing my arm from under the duvet and by a swift move take them both with me to bed, earning loud laughter and giggles from them. We snuggle, tickle, sing and poke for the next hour in bed. It is the best wake up call I have had in a very long time. 

I landed in LA three days ago. Dad and I drove straight from the cabin to Boston where I took a flight out. I had meetings to attend and on Saturday we are celebrating the twins birthday. Everyone is arriving, tonight mum is coming, tomorrow the London crew; Brandons parents and sister+husband, and on Saturday morning Aiden and Sophia. 

HERO;

On the east coast, Hero swings by Jeanies house to pick up Maddie. He is taking her to the park, for ice cream and for a childs book reading event at a bookstore in the city. 

As I wait for Jeanie to get Maddie ready I flip through the pages of the book on the coffee table. I notice its a book of poems. I hate poetry. Or I dont hate it, I just really dislike it. I don't understand that form of written expression which makes me feel stupid which again makes me dislike it. Flipping through a few poems proves me right... color of eyes, souls, roads. Its just stupid. It doesn't make any sense. I put the book down at the same time as Maddie makes an appearance, in her favorite lilac tutu skirt, and runs into my arms. I swing her around and make sure I drown her in kisses and snuggles. 

We first make a stop at a nearby park that she likes to play in daily, then on the way to the bookstore buy two cones of ice cream which she of course doesn't eat up, she never does. She gets brain freeze she says so I end up never buying because I know I'll get half of hers in the end. 

When we arrive at the bookstore, Soph notices us immediately and takes Maddie with her to sit in the front. I am thankful for the invasion. I am thrilled to spend the day with my daughter, but I am not big fan of small spaces and large crowds which is exactly the scenario at the children's book reading. I figure I can disappear for the next 45 minutes and rummage around the vast 3 story bookstore. After finding a book I want to buy, another one catches my eye. Its the same book that was on Jeanies coffee table just an hour ago. On a small table for itself are stacked 100 copies of the book. A poster hangs above it reading: 

20 000 copies sold. Now in a new edition

 An inner force or something makes me grab a copy and open it again. It's like I can't accept that I don't understand freaking poetry. 

I flip to a page,

Oslo - London

London - Barcelona

Nyc - Boston

I loved you in every city, I loved you on every continent, I loved your heart how pretty, I loved mostly how we were consonant

I shift my weight to the other foot. I scratch the back of my neck. This makes me feel weird. 

I flip to another page,

The sad isn't parting

The sad is the longing

This I understand. This resonates with me. This is easy poetry. It encourages me to continue. This is like becoming a puzzle I have to solve, a code I have to crack. Its entertaining. I flip to another page,

You loved the ball, I loved you

You loved the court, I loved you

You loved the scores, I loved you

You loved the fans, I loved you

You loved the chaos, I loved you

You loved you, I loved you

What? I read the poem again. This is too much. This hits way too close to home. 

You know when the things happening around you seem impossible, and you are on the verge of being scared and/or paranoid. Thats me now. I feel like I am on hidden camera and someone is sitting in a trailer nearby watching all this, laughing their asses off. They will jump out any second and yell surprise! or got ya! or PUNK'D! The seconds turn into minutes and nothing happens besides me flipping through page after page reading these poems that are making the walls surrounding me close in. I feel like I am in a parallel universe. 

I flip the book, but I know what I will find there before I even look at the cover again. collide it says on the upper left of the book, and joss L. on the lower right with engraved letters. They are just a shade darker than the color on the book which makes them almost invincible. 

I go to sit in a lounge chair in the corner of the section and read the book page to page. 

Now the sky I am gazing at

Has acquired the colour of your eyes

And I am realizing what they meant to me

... but, I know that road

that's the passing road to heartbreak

And I sense... I'll be longing for you as long as I live"

*

Shit. This is some serious shit! 

The closer you move, the more absent I am

No good intention for it

But a vagabond is no company to none

The least to a kind soul

*

"The colour of green haunts me in my dreams

making me long for things I didn't know I need"

*

And my favorite which I read over couple times, 

"Your happiness

Is only yours to carry

Your sorrow though

Is another story

For that they will blame me... forever"

These words are about me. This book is about us, about our relationship. About the distance, the disappointment, the heartbreak, but mostly about the love. If I didnt see the 100 books stacked and read the poster I would seriously believe someone was pranking me. But, its not. This is as real as it gets. She channeled all of her feelings throughout the years and she wrote them down. I knew she was always writing... songs, poems but, that she had actually published something I had no idea. And that something was about us. I am flattered. And I have so many questions... 

I close the book and stare at it for a few minutes. My fingers tracing the engraved inscription of her pseudonym, of her attempt to hide. I guess she succeeded as I have just now learned about the existence of the book. I take out my phone and snap a picture, sending it to Ed

H: "Is this?"

Ed: "YES! Finally you found it! :D"

I buy the book and wait for Maddie and Soph, again browsing through it.