falling - the sequel

two step

The next day we gear up to go rappelling. We first hike for three hours before our first challenge. A steep cliff about 130 feet down. We are all athletic, some even previously pros, and have done this many times and other adrenaline kick sports and activities. We set up two ropes, dad leading one, as he is a free-time rappelling (and sky diving) instructor and Matt leading the other. It all goes smooth and we are all down in less than half an hour. We take a small break before continuing on the path towards the cabin.  

On the last and most challenging cliff about 190 ft I get unlucky and my rope gets stuck. I panic while "floating" in the air on the cliff. They shout for me both from the ground and top but, I dismiss them, not wanting help. Two minutes later seeing me grow more agitated and panicked Hero comes to rescue and unhinges me. Then holds me tight while sliding down with me. I am all shook up and cling onto him, balling my fists around the neck of his jacket. 

When we reach the ground he releases us from his rope, and then me from my own. 

J: Thank you – I whisper, not looking at him, while we are standing inches apart as he is realizing us from his rope, and then me from my own. I am whispering because I am so chocked up.

He notices my appearance and trembling hands: "Are you okay?" – he brushes up-and down my arms in a comforting way

J: Yeah... I just... - I start breathing heavy and can't get words out as I am on the verge of tears

H: Come here – he takes me into his embrace and hugs me tightly. 

I finally let go and cry.

J: Fuck! I was so scared.

H: Shh. It's gonna be okay - he strokes the back of my head and whispers comforting words

J: I want to go back to the cabin - I say into his chest after standing holding around each other for what feels like ten minutes. I am not sure he even heard my muffled voice

H: Okay. I'll fallow you

J: No you don't have to do that - I look up at him

H: I am - he stares at me, not backing down on this

We are in a staring match for a few seconds before he backs away first, shouting to the ones on top: "Hey guys we're gonna go back"

All: Is everything all right? Is she okay? Jo, you okay? 

He looks down at me. I nod

He shouts to them again: "She is fine. Just wants to go back"

They shout back their goodbyes and good lucks, and feel betters before we turn our backs and start walking back to the cabin. I love how he knows me. I love how no matter how many years pass or what happens between us he is there for me and he knows me. 

J: You didn't even get to repell the last one

H: I'll survive

J: You talked about it all day

H: Jo, its okay. I can go anytime...

I smile at this and we continue to walk back in peaceful silence throughout the woods. 

When we get back to the cabin. By the door – entrance between the kitchen and living room

H: Are you hungry? - he asks as we walk inside the cabin

J: No. I am gonna take a shower... and lay down

He nods

H: Do you need anything?

I shake my head: " No. But thanks. For all of it"

H: Of course

I give him an appreciative smile and reach for him to hug him. This time even tighter, trying to show him how thankful I am I guess. His embrace is such a safe space to me. 

Later when I come down they are all huddled up in the kitchen, making dinner, each with their own task. They all greet me and are happy to see me, asking how I am and making me laugh with stupid jokes or stories about their own incidents. Hero walks over with my favorite beer

H: To get you started – he smiles handing it to me

J: Just what I need – I take a few quick sips

H: Were you able to sleep?

J: Yeah. I did actually. I didn't think I would, I was so rallied up, but after the shower it was just to lay down and I was so gone.

He smiles, nodding: "Good. Your body apparently needed it"

I nod as well

J: What can I do?

H: Nothing, you can go sit and relax

J: Come on... dont baby me... I am fine

H: Okay... maybe start setting up the table?

J: I am on it - we exchange unknown smiles before we both disappear to our tasks

After dinner there are boardgames, card games, music and lots of laughter in the living room. An hour into the festivities I catch Alans words, they echo in my air like they come along with the breath I take

Alan: She's got the hots for you man

H: No, she doesn't

Alan: I m telling you... and she is fine too

H:Yeah

Alan: I can give you her number

I am playing UNO with Alex, Nate and Matt, but, my ears have been stuck to the other conversation ever since Alan started it. 

I glance at Hero and he looks my way at the exact moment

H: No, that's fine - he says looking away from me and back to his chess figures in front of him

Alan isn't letting go and is pushing this girl on Hero, while he is being pretty dismissive about the whole thing.

Aiden: Hey Alan man, drop the nonsense

Hero: and focus on the game - he says as he knocks his queen out

They all mock and laugh. I do too by the slick move. I am thankful for Aiden intervention. I don't know why I feel so hurt by this. I don't want to date him so he can date whoever he wants, but still it hurts hearing about it.