The summer is over and college kids are getting ready for a new start. Can Hero forgive Jo and pick up where they left of? Or are they better apart, as friends. The distance, their schedules, the fame and other disturbances truly don't help their ca...
"Its not fun to watch, is it?" - he steps outside onto the front porch, where I exited out just ten seconds ago. He came up to the 1st floor closely after Dela and I entered the dance floor. And has just witnessed me make a complete fool of myself as I have almost karaoked Bebe Rexhas' "Baby, I'm jealous" for him which made me bolt outside as soon as the song ended and him following.
"You made your point. You can go in now. I'd like to be alone" - I tell him, turning away from him and hugging myself to keep warm. Hurrying out of the house didnt give me much time to think about clothing, like putting on a jacket or sweater as it is London in October.
I see him looking at me sideways from my peripheral vision, before he chuckles a little and casts his eyes down on his shoes. He puts his hands in his jeans pockets.
H: You are cute - he says looking at me again. I am surprised by his words which make me blush and give him a confused look. Even if the words are meant as a compliment they feel like mockery, and I wasn't in the mood.
J: Seriously, can you go now... Lucy is probably looking for you
He chuckles again and it irritates me even more.
H: Her name is Lily
I give him a look. Is he serious? - "No, its not. Her name is Lucy Kingston"
He seems geiunly surprised now as he looks at me wide eyed, and turns his whole upper body towards me, his eyebrows shoot up
H: For real?
J: Yes!
H: Shit! - he makes a funny face
I raise my eyebrows and we both start laughing. I am not sure what we are laughing about specifically, but it feels damn good. It feels like my heart is leaping, for the first time tonight. I feel light and relaxed.
He sits down on the front steps, after he has taken off his GOAT collage sweater and handed it to me gesturing to put it on. After a little banter about him being cold, he brushing it off and me in the end putting on his sweater which makes me smile because it smells like him. It hangs on me like a dress but I wouldn't want to wear anything else in this moment.
I follow and sit down beside him. The wall between us has been torn down so maybe this is a good time to continue on that path and say everything I should say. I look at him and he is just staring in front of him or at his hands that are placed in between his legs, he is twirling his ring around to have something to do I guess in this audible silence that hangs between us.
"I'm sorry" - I finally man up and speak out
H: About what? - he bites the insides of his mouth and looks at me slightly confused
I shrug and take a long breathe out - "Everything... About what happened in Oslo. About how it happened and how I handled it:"
H: Yeah. That was... shady.
J: I am sorry. It... it just... Ahh fuck... it... Ever since I have known what love is I have known of Dylan. He has been my synonym with love for so long. As fucked up as it was, probably most of the time we were together, it was still the only love I knew. And I spent many formative years in that state" - I look at him
He is fidgeting with his fingers in front of him but clearly listening, as he turns to me when I pause and gives a small nod, encouraging me to continue.
"One of the thing in that love was him being in control, everything depended on him and how or what he wanted, and I was so caught up in him that I let it be that way. If he was happy I was happy, if he was angry I was angry. My whole being, my whole existents depended on him. I had no other reference points or anything to compare it to so to me that was normal. A relationship like that was normal. And then when it ended for real... you know that. I have told you what happened. Even though it happened the way it did I still couldn't just cut my emotions off. I wish I could. Now I understand them better and would never do what I did then, but then I didnt know. And then... I met you. And it was... weird."
He chuckles lightly beside me and it makes me smile
"In the best possible way." - I say almost apologetically
He nods and smiles, like understanding
"But I just I didnt get it in the beginning. It was so light, too light almost and just... floating. It was no skims or games or torture. It was just calm and fun. You have to realize that I had up until then never been in a normal, healthy relationship or been sober while the relationship with another person was unfolding, and me truly feeling all my feelings. So meeting you and spending time with you was so new and refreshing and totally unexplored theotory. And it took me a while to realize that it was real. That you weren't gonna turn into an asshole just because you feel like it. That you were honest and real just as you were.
"And then you came to Oslo and we went to that party and I hadn't seen Dylan in four months or something, and he was sweet and attentive and careful around me. I guess everything I had missed in him being when we were together. And I think I just liked the attention he was giving me. Its... "
I take a pause and a long breather as I concentrate on how to formulate this last finish of my apology speech
"... did I want something to happen with him? Honestly I dont know. But, thinking it through I think if I wanted something to happen I would have let it happen. I wouldn't have realized what an asshole I am, and followed you to the hotel. I would have stayed with him. And a few months prior I would have probably stayed. I would have gladly jumped into bed with him and cheat on whoever. But, not now. I couldn't do that. I... there was something about you. Something had happened. I felt things for you I had never felt before. Not even Dylan, cause I cheated on him too... many times. But, things with you were different. You cared about me as much as I cared about you. And you were calm, and gentle, and stable, and tender, and beautiful and just... everything I needed in my life. So I couldn't do that to you. I didnt want to"
He is leaning forward now his elbows on his knees, his hands in front of him as his head is turned and he is looking straight into my soul.
"I guess what it comes down to... is... I have been attached to Dylan for so long, that I have almost been blinded by it. And it took me a stupid mistake and you ending things with me, to realize that he isn't the love that I want anymore. You are"
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