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Chapter 66

I walked into Linda's office.

"How's it going Candace? How were your last two weeks?" she asked me.
"Last week I had a problem." I said as I sat on her couch.
"Okay. And what was it?"

I began explaining the birthday party and my jealousy and how I didn't have the right to be and didn't like it.

"Well, we can start with the fact that it is okay to be jealous." she stated.

It doesn't feel okay.

"Jealousy is a natural human emotion. It is fine especially since you like him as much as you do and you saw another beautiful woman with him having a good time. It's okay. As long as you didn't overreact and you kept your composure, it's completely fine to feel the way that you did. It's normal." she explained.
I just nodded.
"What did you do about it?" she asked me.
"Well, first I walked away from them. Then he brought me back and I just let them talk to each other while I examined the place and everything it had to offer. I answered her questions. They started talking again. Then I went to the bathroom. Because I was so frustrated with the way that I felt."
"Well, it sounds like you handled it well."
"Does it?" I scoffed. "Didn't feel like it."

"Do you think your jealousy may be because of your past experience with Will?" she offered.
"Possibly."
"I mean, once you fell in love with him, he betrayed you. You're realizing the way you feel about Anders. Maybe subconsciously, you think that betrayal is up next."
I didn't answer.

"Does Anders know about Will, yet?"
"Very little."
"Which parts?"
"He knows someone hurt me a long time ago. That's all." I responded.
"I see. Do you think you'd ever tell him the full story?"
"I don't know. I doubt it. I barely wanted to tell you. So probably not."
"It hurt you pretty badly, didn't it?"
I paused.

"She got pregnant." I added.

"I'm sorry." she stated as if it was her fault.
"I kicked them both out of my life and never spoke to or about them again. It took me two years to get over that pain. It's very strange to have someone tell you how much they love you and then they go and do something like that. Both of them. A lot of people lie and they lie often."
"Do you think Anders lies to you?"
"I don't know."
"You've never considered the idea of another relationship since then?" she asked.
"Never."
"Well I think it's okay that you take your time. Don't feel rushed into anything. If he cares for you as much as he says he does, then he's willing to wait."
"But it already feels like a relationship. Well, I'm invested in it as if it is one apparently. I'm tied to him as if we were together. And I don't really want to be." I stated.
"Do you not want to be because of what Will did to you or do you not want to be because you don't see Anders that way?"

I thought about it.
I was sure the answer was obvious and she just wanted me to say it.

"Has Anders cheated on someone before?" Linda questioned.
"I'm not sure."
"How much do you know about him?"

I thought about it.

"Very little I suppose. I know what he does. I know about his relationship with his parents. I know a few of his friends..."
"Yes, but do you know him?" she asked.
"I guess not. Not as well as I would like to."
"I think you should. Before you get too tied and start something too soon. Try to learn a bit more about him as a person. Based off of the way you say he treats you and is there for you, I'd say he isn't a terrible man but I do think that knowing one another is a very special key to forming a healthy relationship. Or even knowing if they are someone you should form a relationship with in the first place. You two should learn more about each other." she insisted.
"Right."
"And it's okay that you haven't. After all, it was originally just a job, correct? You were coworkers, client and marketer. It wasn't necessary for you to know each other. But seeing where I think this is going, I believe it might be the time."
"Yea. I think you have a point." I agreed.

"I'll tell you another thing before we switch gears." she began.
I looked at her to show she had my attention.
"Do not let the fear of past relationships stop you from getting in a relationship you deserve."

I felt like she'd just slapped me across the face.

"I know it seems easier to protect yourself and assume they'll be the worst and run away. It's always easier to run away than to stay through the battle. But if you run, the only outcome is your loss. If you stay, and you work through it, for yourself, there is the chance you lose, yes. But there's also the chance you have the glorious victory that you deserve. Think of the outcomes. You can flee once your deal is over with and never see him again. Or you can stay and try it out, perhaps even have a beautiful relationship and be deeply in love with a man who loves you more than words can describe. You'd like to give that option a chance, wouldn't you?"
I nodded hesitantly because of how much I hated to admit it.
"Don't give up on him until he gives you a reason to. I promise there are genuinely good men and women out there. I can't promise you that he's one of them, but I can promise that you don't know unless you give him the chance to show you."
I looked out of her window at a blue Jay perched on a tree branch.

"Now then, let's target your fear of friendships."

The bird flew away.