Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

screaming, crying, perfect storm

Tears start to stream down my face too. Does he really think that low of me? Am I really that bad of a person, mother and wife? How is it that even when I feel like I'm doing the right thing everyone things I'm in the wrong? "do you... do you really think that low of me joe. That I'm purposely neglecting the people I love the most in the entire world" I say and my voice cracks.

There is a long and painful pause and neither one of us know what to say. The looks we are exchanging are not the loving gazes that we have been sharing for almost 20 years. Now the love is traded for resentment and unspoken words.

Without words we meet in the middle and our lips collide straight into a heated make out session.

I push him down on the couch and straddle his waist and run my hands through his hair and his go under my shirt. The air is filled with tension and hurt instead of love. This is not the gentle and tender sex we usually have. Hey, even when we have rough sex it's not like this. Now its anger that we take out on each other's bodies instead of using our words.

I'm so tense and worked up that the sex isn't enjoyable, its painful actually but I don't care. There are no words to say so this is what we are resorting too. This is not what we used to be, we have been so good at communicating for years, but now there is none of that.

Of course I see that he needs me, I need him too. I know that I've been bad at expressing myself recently, but I just don't know how to put it into words. There are so much going on that there isn't time for us anymore.

I love this man more than anything in the world after my children, but I don't know how to fix this. How do we fix us when we are in the middle of so much chaos that it's drowning me. These days I can't let myself feel any of it because I don't have that luxury. I don't have the luxury of letting myself feel because I have people that count on me.

My face twitches in pain and joe stops his thrusts and the anger turns to concern "are you okay?" he asks gently, and I burst into tears and shake my head.

Quickly I climb off him, but he grabs my waist and pull me down on his lap and wrap his arms around me as I sob which makes him cry too. Both of us are sitting here naked clinging to one another and crying our eyes out. We have both probably been bottling up feelings recently and not telling the other what we need.

"I can't lose you Taylor" he sobs, and my heart breaks and I cup his face "i'm never leaving you joseph. If anything, I'm loosing you" I say and try to see his face but it's hard as the tears are streaming down my face.

"We aren't okay Taylor. We need to figure out how to be a team again" he says and wipe his tears before doing the same to mine. "We need help, we can't do this on our own. Every time we do, we just end up fighting. Cancer and all the drama we have had over the years are things that break couples up and I'm not willing to lose you ever"

I'm trying to take deep breaths to stop my sobbing "I know... We need help. I'm just so exhausted and I don't know what to do joe. I feel so alone" I say and run my fingers through his hair. These last two weeks it feels like I've been standing alone trying to do it all on my own, but I know rationally that I should be leaning on him. All those years ago we swore to be together forever, and we need to fight like hell to keep that. Marriage takes work, and we need to fight for us.

"You're not alone my love. God Taylor, you're never alone. But you need to let me help you. Love I can't force you even when I want to. But I need you to let me help you, I need you to let me take some of the pressure to be at the hospital off your shoulders so you can be home with aurora and Elliana. And on top of that I need you and me to find time for eachother because when we aren't communicating it hurts all five of us" he says, and I smile weakly at him.