Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

please wake up

It's hard to watch the love of my life laying in a hospital bed unable to move. He is such an independent man normally but now he has catheters and diapers, gets feed through a feeding tube and isn't able to move on his own. Right now, he needs help with absolutely everything, he can't even breath by himself, and I don't know how he will handle that if he wakes up. I know we have talked about what we would want if one of us where in this position, but I hope that he still feels I made the right choices. I actually don't think there is a right choice to make sometimes, sometimes it's about just making a choice and sticking with it. 

"I don't think I tell you how much I love you enough. But I promise that if you make it out of this, we will make more time for one another, and I will tell you how much I love you more" my voice cracks "cause god joe I love you with every inch of my soul. I don't need much in life, but I need you, you make me brave and a better person. I know this isn't about me, this is about you, but I just want you to know that I'm going to stay brave for the both of us right now. I'm here with you every day and taking care of the girls. Don't worry about us right now, worry about yourself. The only thing you need to do right now is focus on healing yourself. Fight to come back to us" 

Tears are streaming rivers down my face, and I try to wipe them away, but they keep coming. I just need him to be okay, I need him to wake up and come back to me. The world is a better place with him in it. 

**

At 12 Liz came and traded places with me so I go home to the kids. These days I don't really know what to tell them. I don't want to promise that things are going to be alright because I don't know that. We don't know where this is headed, and I don't know if they will have to face losing their father. I know how important he is to them, and I would hate to come to them and deliver that news. That's something I can hardly even think about without breaking down.

"Mom is he awake!" kenzie comes running as soon as I get in the door and yells so loudly it hurts my head. "no. They just started to take away the sleeping medication, so now we just need to wait" I tell her with a forced smile. I need to stay strong for them but not give them false hope. I'm not going to say that he hasn't woken up "yet" because we don't know if he will wake up at all. "Did you give him my drawing that will help him" she says, and I chuckle. 

Last night she gave me a drawing she made that I absolutely had to hang up in his room so he could see it when he wakes up. "I sure did. The nurse gave me some tape so I could hang it on the wall" I tell her and kiss her forhead. 

After spending some time with the girls, I go into the music room and close the door so I can play the piano alone for a bit. It still hurts my head a bit, but I just need to do it. So I sit down and let my fingers wander the keys. 

"The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair
In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared
That was the first time i was there
Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you
Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too
And I say to you "

I need to stay strong for him. He needs me now more than ever, the girls too. I can't let myself fall apart because everyone needs something from me. 

"Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better
Ooh-ah, soon you'll get better
Ooh-ah, you'll get better soon
'Cause you have to"

I wrote this song about my mom's fight with cancer when she relapsed. But she fought through it and is still in remission. She is doing better but now the song has a new meaning to me. 

"I know delusion when I see it in the mirror
i like the nicer nurses, they make the best of a bad deal
I just pretend it isn't real
I'll paint the kitchen neon, I'll brighten up the sky
I know I'll never get it, there's not a day that I won't try
And I'll say to you"