Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

Reveling something hard

"do you believe that you are a bad person? What's the things that make his words not believable?" she asks me, and I sigh. "That he was obsessed with my mom and wanted to keep us hostage. He wanted my mom to hurt. He wanted to keep me to keep her there. I was a negotiation pawn to him to keep my mom under control. I was there so he could keep her there, that's why I was disposable, and he said he was going to kill me" I say and shrug. 

"How did that make you feel?" she says, and I take my time figuring out how to put what I'm feeling into words. "I get mad because sometimes I feel like the only reason, I went through all of this is because my mom dated him a million years ago. Sometimes I think it's her fault and I hate that I feel that way, but I just do. He was obsessed with her and still is" now tears are streaming down my face, and I try to wipe them away, but they just keep coming. 

That's something I haven't told anyone, that in some way I blame my mom. I feel like its mean of me, and I know that, but I can't keep the feelings. She didn't mean to put me in that situation, I know that and that's why I feel bad, but the fact of the matter is that if she never dated him this would never have happened. If she would have acted faster after he came to my school, he couldn't have taken me. She didn't know that those choices would lead to what it did, but it still bugs me. And it bugs me that the only reason I was even in that basement was so he could use me to control her. He knew that my mom would do anything for any of us girls, and that's how he held power over her. 

"But I also know that it wasn't her fault that he did it. He chose to do what he did, but he was in her life all those years ago because she chose it. I know that she didn't know what it would lead to though, and I don't even know why I'm saying any of this I just can't keep it inside anymore. These are the thoughts that make me want to hurt myself or not eat" 

She lets me talk it out before saying anything "what thoughts specifically" she asks, and I sigh "that I wanted to die. That I wish that I would rather be dead that feel like this, and that I felt like that when I was only six years old. Not eating and cutting myself is a way of just not killing myself. It's the way that I stayed alive and now that he is back bugging us and I'm not using those strategies it hurts more" 

All I want right now is to find a sharp edge or cut down the calories, but I do know that won't get me anywhere constructive so I'm fighting hard to not do that. I don't want to turn to those actions when things get hard because I've learned from therapy that there is always going to be hard stuff I have to deal with in life, but that those coping mechanisms only made matters worse for me. 

"and then I learned about the stuff that happened to my mom in the other room and that made things worse. Part of me wanted to know why she was screaming, but no daugther want to know their mom was in that kind of pain. I remember begging her to let me go but she kept telling me that she would never let me face something like that. Back then I didn't understand what was happening but now I know, and it messes with my mind too" 

"Those must be hard things to carry inside you Elliana" she says after taking notes about what I'm saying. "well, it's not easy being me. It's hard to not blame everyone for what they could do different to not have me end up in that situation, but I've also learned in therapy that I can't change the past" 

There is really nothing I can do to change that this happened to me. No matter how many calories I skip or how deep I cut there won't be a way to take it back. What that will give me is more problems and I will lose my parents trust again not to mention dance. There are many reasons to keep going on a good path but that doesn't mean it's not still a struggle. 

"Have you tried talking to your mom about any of this?" she asks, and I scuff "no I can't. Because she is having a hard time too and I don't want to add to her burden. I've given her enough headache over the years, and I don't want to add to that now that they trust me again"