Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

telling Joe and acute appointment

"I love you mom" she says, and I give her a gentle squeeze "I love you too Ellie. To the moon and to Saturn" 

** the next day – Wednesday **

Ellie is still sleeping when I go and get the other two kids ready for school. Thankfully Abigail will drop them off when she drops off Lauren before she goes to work. I'm impressed that she is even going to work after what happened yesterday, she is stronger than she gives herself credit for. 

"Mom why isn't Ellie down here?" aurora asks as I am getting her lunch ready. "Because she isn't feeling good" I lie. Well it's not a complete lie, she isn't feeling good, but I don't want to worry the other kids about what's going on. 

"Well then I'm sick too" she says and cross her arms in front of her and I shake my head "No you're not. You're going to school" I tell her. 

-ellies pov- 

I wake up alone in my parent's bed and I'm exhausted. When I look at my wrist, I am reminded of what happened yesterday. I feel so embarrassed that I lost control like that, but I was just desperate and didn't even think about what I was doing. It all happened so fast and before I knew it there was a lot of blood and a door being forced open and my mom holding me close. 

Sometimes I want to die, but I wasn't trying to kill myself last night. But sometimes I lay awake at night and just wish someone would put me out of this suffering, it's not easy being me these days. And my eating disorder voice is telling me that it's better to die thin than gain weight. I know I shouldn't listen to that voice, but I can't help it from coming into my head. 

Part of me wish my dad was here so my mom didn't have to deal with me on her own. I know she gets stressed and overwhelmed and that makes me feel bad. I feel like I'm a burden on her shoulders and that I keep breaking her trust time and time again. If my dad was here, she would at least get a break sometimes and get time to herself. But now she is running between the three of us trying to give us all the attention we need, but there aren't enough hours in the day to do that and it makes me feel awful. Especially because she has to give me more attention and that makes me feel bad for my sisters that isn't getting my mom the same way. Thankfully we have a nanny that helps out but it's not the same as my mom or dad. 

**

My mom and I get to my therapist's office and I'm nervous. I'm scared that they aren't going to believe me that I didn't try to kill myself and force me to go inpatient. I know that impatient only makes me worse, it gives me worse habits and its contra intuitive because it's out in the real world I have to learn to deal with my issues, not inside a hospital with other sick kids and locked doors. 

"so Elliana I talked with the on-call psychiatrist from the emergency room last night and she told me that you cut your wrist last night" my psychiatrist Viviane says, and I sigh. "yeah, I lost control" 

My mom is sitting beside me, and I lean my head on her shoulders. I don't want to be here I just want to go home and forget about all of this. 

"Can you tell me what was going through your head when you decided to cut yourself?" she asks, and I look down at the floor wanting to sink into it. "There was a lot going on and I panicked and lost control. The scissors were right in front of me, and I just acted on impulse and before I knew it there was blood dripping down my arm" I say and wipe away my tears. I feel like it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. I'm 12 years old and should know how to deal with my crap and not do stupid stuff like this. It's just another proof of how pathetic I am. No wonder why my parents are embarrassed of me, they have to be. That's what Rebecca keeps repeating and I'm starting to think she is right; I am a burden to my parents.