Beautiful things - jaylor story (peace book 4)

a new ward

She seems deep in thoughts, and I give her all the time she needs to take in what I'm saying. I remember screaming at joe trying to cling onto any part of my idea of beauty, but he didn't back down, he was just as stubborn as I was. He said the things no one had dared to say because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. No one had told me a lot of the things he told me, and he ended up crying some too saying that he didn't want to lose me. It was shortly after we decided to officially become a couple. He said that he had seen it for a while but didn't feel like it was his place to say something, but as it got worse, he couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore.

"Then what makes you beautiful? You're so pretty mom, how can you not see how beautiful you are, I wished I looked like you." she says and look up at me with her puffy and bloodshot eyes "beauty comes from the inside Elliana. Controlling your body won't make you feel beautiful if you don't feel beautiful on the inside. Your body isn't the problem, it's how you see it, it's how you think about yourself that defines if you think you're beautiful or not"

I need to think deep and try to remember what joe said to me all those years ago. Still to this day I struggle with how I see myself, but most days I look in the mirror and like what I see. I see a grown woman that has grown three beautiful children, I see my boobs that feed them, and I see a body that went through hell but still I'm standing tall. I see a fighter; I see a survivor and that makes me feel beautiful. Joe has taught me to love my stretchmarks, cellulite and saggy boobs. He made he realize that it's what I'm like on the inside that truly makes me beautiful. It doesn't matter if you look like a supermodel if your personality and how you feel on the inside is bad. If you feel horrible about yourself on the inside, you will never like what you see in the mirror.

"so dad saved you?" she says with a cheeky smile, and I giggle "at the beginning yes. But then I learned that in the end I needed to save myself. He held my hand as I climbed back up the deep hole I was in and made me realize all the beautiful things in life means more than the dark thoughts. He made me realize that it's okay to love my body, it's okay to feel beautiful even when you don't meet what the world things is beautiful. He made me realize that what the media says about my body is false because they will always find something they define as wrong. If I controlled one part of my body there would be another party that was wrong in their eyes. I would never satisfy what they would think of my body, so I learned that the only person I needed to satisfy was myself"

I remember the breakdowns I would have whenever I heard a headline about my body and how I looked pregnant when I was a little bloated from my period or because I had just had a meal. The media was so used to pictures of me when I was starved so they thought that any sign of fat on my stomach meant I was pregnant. But I don't even think they actually thought I was pregnant; I know now that they made stuff up to get clickbait so they could make money off it. Headlines about how I was pregnant and questions about who the father was, and other drama sells magazines. They even pretended to have inside sources confirming that I was pregnant every single time and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I wish I realized back then that they didn't care about me at all. They were just concerned with money and not actually if I was pregnant or not. They didn't care that there was an actual person behind the pictures, the world seems to forget that celebrities are humans too. We are held to a ridiculous standard and on a high pedestal that's so unrealistic.

"I wish I was beautiful" she says and wipe away her tears and I sigh "but you are beautiful Elliana. You have always been beautiful because you have a beautiful soul. When you first entered the world and I held you against my chest I saw how beautiful you are on the inside and the outside. I didn't even know your personality or voice yet but I'm your mom and I could tell already. That has never changed, you are so beautiful Elliana"