Shit rant poems

I wont title madness

I forgot the important words i had to say

But japan was a year ago
And i thought that was a record
For the furthest id be from everyone

But you see im fucking stupid and sometimes you just need to go to bed and stay

Ignore some messages and stay sounding dry

Like im not always crying

And suddenly from the uncomfortability of my bed and inconvenience to my friends

Ive lost kinda everyone

Some people hang on like crazy

And i know hes like a brother and hes waiting for me to text him

I feel like i forgot our secret language
All the things we made up as kids

Everything feels like fuzzy memories now

Really fuzzy

Id probably remember better if i ate some food and drank something

But im never up if i dont have to be

Im just rendering outside to live only in my head
Like its a thought or conception of my own mind and no one elses

But im no god

All i am is guilty

Guilt, apologies, crying, guilt, too many sorrys and guilt again

I cant even remember what fucking matters and i feel myself losing everything

Like its all slowly gathering dust in the void under my bed as i sleep over my losses and bruises

And i cant reach out

Or say the right thing

Every sentence is a panicked stab at the red button and the alarms always sound

To growing panic every time but quieter screams

Until i feel silent

I feel silent now despite the hundreds of words im writing

Because theyre all wrong

I can go on and on and on

Im self conditioned to fill the silence and carry my pain

At your service and its so nice to meet you

Sorry we cant be close

See im a shitty model of an undermarked product

And if i let you in im scared you might die

You see my dad was
Is

My dad is magic and every year or two he pulls his biggest trick of all

Its called almost dying and he just makes it each time

He just wants to collect frequent flyer points and its not a pull at the weak ropes of the heart

Its a trick that will rip out your heartstrings

See it makes me go crazy & theres nothing i love more

It makes me truly believe in not just any god ever

But the ever holy fragmented idea that people who i let close will die

And who i want to keep close i have to protect i have to check in and i have to keep happy

And not fuck up

I promise luke i fight that and i know its not right

Lukes anger is never deadly
Neither is mine

But i feel like i break my own heart enough over nothing

Even when we are doing more than ok

Especially when hes never as upset as i am

Or cant say so

Because my specialty trick is to overreact

I think everyone is dying remember?

I never learnt chess but this feels like a fucked up power play sometimes in my head with rational and irrationality running around more than i ever have in life

And what my counsellor thinks is something undiagnosed

Checkmate ?

Who knows