Shit rant poems

Terrified

I said the baby on TV was cute

With her little baby hair and face

My mum turned to me

Smiling

Endearingly

And said

'Getting clucky?'

Like a 15 year old would start nesting

Of course some do

I can't

Because I'm scared

Terrified

I'm scared that I'll be like my sister

In and out of hospital

With inflamed appendixes and burst cysts

I'm scared I'll be like my mum

With 3 blood transfusions and infections after giving birth

I'm scared I'll be like my teacher

All built up and ready to be a mum

To give birth

But

Have a miscarriage first

She was so fucking happy

And excited

She was

Glowing

She would walk around and tell students

While smiling

That

'You have to teach it to be smart
So it wont struggle like me'

'You can babysit him'

'You can teach it rugby'

'You can hold it when it cries'

'You can hold her while I teach the class'

'You can give her nicknames and make it last'

And then she was crushed

She thought it was her last chance to have a kid while young

I don't want that

I have every chance

Of being like my mum and sister

Who have PCOS

And a third of the amount of eggs they're meant to

I could be the girl waiting six weeks fir a doctors appointment

Because more cysts might burst

And I'll have

The possibilty of a hysterectomy looming overhead

I am terrified

That I cannot handle babies

Even if i appreciate the aesthetic

And don't care about late nights

Or cost

I am not ready

Not physically

Probably never mentally

So don't fucking tell me

That I'll change my mind

And girls like me say no kids at first

And then have ten

Because the prospect of my kid being an accident

Is astronomically impossible

And I don't need to be pushed

Because what that motherfucking turkey baster could bring

Might just end me

And if it doesn't

I'm petrified for that baby

And that I'll end myself