Shit rant poems

I love you, sorry

I'll say I love you when I'm scared

But don't make the mistake of thinking I don't mean it

You see I still think all this dark shit in my head

Memories of a few days ago and a few months ago still fresh in my mind

Thinking maybe I really was supposed to kill myself

Maybe all this I'm doing right now isn't real

Maybe

I don't ever deserve anything I have

I don't deserve the love I recieve

And maybe I really never fucking did

And it's hard

Everything right now just had to be so y fucking tough and shitty for no reason other than my decline

I fucking hate you

And I still don't know who I'm saying that to

I'm not even looking for someone to blame

Because I don't do that I feel suffocated and strangled by words I want to scream and things I need to say

But I won't

I won't ever do anything about them

I will sit there as a scream sits in my throat covered by a smile on my face

And I will stare as the tears well up in my eyes each and every fucking time

And I'll keep laughing
Faker and faker each time

Because tears are for behind closed doors aren't they

Being sad is for when you sit on your floor at 4amcand try to kill yourself isn't it

Being sad is for when you try it again

Being fucking sad is every single time you've tried to hurt yourself

And throw away that amazing fucking person who doesn't deserve my fucking psychosis

I really always thought I was going to die

Because I always planned to kill myself

And each time I failed

I thought maybe I'd be an anomaly

One of those who has the fucking worst of it

And it doesn't stop really

But life goes on

Life fucking always goes on

And I was just never going to tell

But I guess I really fucked that up

Do you think if I counted every attempt and thought and every fucked up thing about me

It would count for anything?

That it would mean some kind of shit?

Who knows

But I guess I can always try can't I