Shit rant poems

Religious//Believe

When your teacher in year 2

Asks the class who wants to do "christian learning"

You sign yourself the fuck up

They bought you with pink slinkys & 'god dollars'

You don't take it as a sign

When your big sister takes the permission form

And jumps on it

Trying to deter you

While she laughs and bounces on the trampoline

You stare at her quizzically

You don't take her advice

Regardless of how many hints you get

Or flat out tellings

When you sit confused twice a week

You don't regret it

Yet

When the nuns talk about prayers and St Peter

You forget

But you tell yourself it's okay

And

You never stopped believing in god

You carried that with you until after the classes ended

And for a few years

It just comforts you

Until you realise who you are

You're gay

And it scares you

You hate yourself

You learn to accept yourself and that you can't help it

You decide to treat yourself

You  want to go to a church

You want to do it every Sunday

Wear a crucifix around your neck

Be chaste and quiet

But silently proud of who you are

You go to a church

A proper service

Angelican and seemingly perfect

It was not

In hindsight you should have picked a better one

An accepting one

Because they're everywhere now

Maybe even that one has changed

Still

You should've picked one further from home

You didn't

You walk in

You tell the priest your story

He's the first stranger you've come out to

He is special

Thats what you wholeheartedly believe

And then

He shatters you
Completely

He hates you
To your core

He rejects you
Like the devil reincarnate

He throws you out
Like the gay trash you believe you are

He tells you not to come back
You're ashamed

You fucked up everything

You

Are

A

Fuck

Up

Who fucked up
And you feel you should die

Because you were always a fuck up

But eventually

Eventually

You accept it

You move houses

You move on

You don't tell anyone

Not family
Eventually maybe a friend

But more importantly

You had given up on god then

Mostly when you realised you were gay
Because you didn't deserve him

Fully when you were thrown out
Out of spite for him

Completely when you moved on
Because you live better without fear of him

But you don't hate him

Why would you spread hate

You spread who you are

And for once

You just believe what you believe

And never let that break you