The Original Poems

~re_Lity~

Can the day just melt away
Like it never existed?
Can the hours slip down the drain
So I can then deal with
Another day
A different one
Face doesn't match
My phone says
And I know it's just a glitch
It didn't capture my face right
I'm still
Apparently
The same
On the outside
At least
I feel
Terribly
Terribly
Different
Slip away
Four minutes without air and you die
I know that
Read it in a book or something
But why did it hit me now
Literally surrounded by water
But slipping away
On purpose-
That would be-
So I tell myself
Focus on anything different
The little kids clustered in groups
Talking
The adults plopped down in the chairs
Sometimes on their phones
Sometimes talking
Pay attention to the line
So I can go down the waterslide
Couldn't hurt you know
Now that I'm here
Jump in the deep
Underneath the water everything looks different
I'd never say it loud
But really I can't stay under there very long
I've always been afraid of drowning
I have since I was little
That's why I only learned to swim
Well past the edge everyone else
I knew
Seemed to be able to
I'll stay in the shallows
Thanks
...memories...
In and out of focus
Pay attention
To the little wristband
I have to wear
That lets me swim in the deep areas
I'm almost
Old enough
I think
Not to wear one but that doesn't matter
What keeps getting me is this:
Once I wasn't so aware of everywhere
I could hurt
If my defenses crumbled
Once I wasn't
But that was before
I shut myself away
Before I could barely stop myself
From doing something I know was wrong
But
I can't seem to focus
Not on the song playing gently in the background
Slipping in and out of earshot
But for a moment
I get excited
Just like I used to
When I hear a song I know
"That's coldplay" I said to my sister just as we were leaving
And there, wrack your brains and you'll remember
"Pray for the wicked" is the name of the album
Which the song that reminds me of a few years ago comes from
And that's the one from the movie I watched not very long ago
Remember?
That song-I'm surprised I'm hearing it now
My friend
She showed it to me
More than a year ago
I focus on that
For a second
For a second I focus
On the straps of my swimsuit
Pinching just a little bit
There
Are the lifeguards
Telling everyone to get out,
Get out of the pool,
For a second
Focus on this little screen
Pulling it out of the bag
Checking
Just in case I hear from you
Focus on what my sister is saying
About fanfiction
About writing
It's time to leave? Okay
Almost time to eat, yeah
That granola bar was a long time ago wasn't it
The few hours at the pool
The only place I actually went
Since church yesterday
But hush now
I don't want to think about all those flaws now
Hush now
Play some music
Keep me distracted
Good thing I'm a passenger
Able to write my thoughts down
What just happened
What I just
What I am dealing
With now
What might go wrong when I'm free to wonder and want and think
Shh
Not now
Focus on the raindrops
The lightning in the distance
Focus on the promise
Of dinner
Soon soon
Anything
Reality strikes
Hard and hard
And hard again
But it's okay
I'll take a step back
Breathe
And write
Think and write
Focus
Breathe
I made it home
But now what
I guess that's
The chapter that I'm living now
This and everything that happens later
Do you remember what I did earlier today?
Sat in this seat and read Harry Potter
Pulled out my phone and showed them those funny videos
We used to watch all the time
They're still on YouTube of course
Easily accessible
Do you remember
That they went to a friend's house
Just the other day
And I stayed here
And painted my nails
Purple and blue
Pretty pastel
The irony of doing something "girly"
Not fully lost on me
Brushing through
That tangled hair
Messed up from an afternoon of swimming
Whose going care?
No one I guess
But I care too much or I care too little
Putting those bracelets back on now
Do you remember
How you always feel
When they're playing a game in there
Left out
Yet not?
Do you remember how strange is was
When he turned
Old enough
To be really independent
His one life now
Its still weird
But y'know
Somehow
I was always the one
I'm looking to separate
From that word-
Family
Where I feel so out of place
So wrong
Still
Still the summer
The days are
Slipping away
I should be glad for this opportunity
But I'm not
Not really
The heavy feelings settle back in
Even a few years ago I was pretty sure that wasn't normal
But it became that way
Every year
This again
I mean what now, honestly?
Sooner or later
It'll be the same thing
School again
Fear again
No friends maybe
Anxiety going crazy
Always struck
You see?
That's been this past little bit
I can't see any way out of-
Well that's a lie
And I'm still trying
To be alright
Between fifteen and sixteen
Somehow feels exactly like
Being between thirteen and fourteen
Between twelve and thirteen
I mean-
Years
Where I accepted this
If you see me looking into the distance
It's because
This life
That's apparently mine
Doesn't feel at all like me
Not at all
I remember
Though 
I remember things like this-
I remember
May 21st
Was when the album I keep listening to
Nonstop came out
I remember
The date the last album
For a band I once obsessed over came out
11/9/2018
November 9th, 2018
Come to think
Of it
Then wasn't much different from now
You remember?
I would wake up
Hoping there would be a purple
Notification
Blinking on
My hand me down
Phone
Telling me,
Yes,
She replied
My best friend replied and it's okay
Do you remember?
Sitting paralyzed at the backseat of the bus, laptop open
Trying to send a message home
With the barely-there
School wifi
Cause
My anxiety was bouncing off the walls
And I wanted reassurance
It would be okay
Not that I told you that-
I just said
I was on a different bus
Cause I wasn't staying
After school
Like my siblings
Why would I, hmm?
Nothing there was for me
But my laptop froze and the mouse wouldn't move
And every time those kids messed around
It had me
Wishing I was anywhere else
Sweating, anxious, Looking for an escape...
Yeah I remember that
Easily
And then
Home
And
Then...
Emptiness
Nothing
No distractions
Things got bad then, remember?
And they didn't seem to stop
Picking the m&ms out of the neighbors bowl
Listening to the adults talk
Detached from it all
Trying trying trying
Not to give into those feelings
Ultimately failing
Yeah I remember that
School starting
Wake up early
Why won't you join the band this year?
Talking Talking
Where are my words?
I remember-
Stepping outside
Hit by a wave of lonely again
But not trying to care
Sitting at a table
No one I know is there
I'm wearing my pink headphones
Listening to alt-rock upbeat songs
I'm standing by the bathrooms
Unable to stomach the thought of more food
I'm sitting down
Zoning out
Not listening
Panic...
Paralyzed
By detachment
It's all over
I don't know
Where I am
I haven't looked outside myself
Enough to know
Remember...
Sitting and thinking
Of what happened last night?
The algebra homework that seemed years ago
Do you remember things grinding to a halt?
Pandemic and masks and covid and chaos
Normal?
Please
Even before the world was spinning
And during
Yeah
Isolation
That's a familiar spell
Looking back instead of forward
Lost in memories again
Snippets of a song
I listened to it
A few weeks ago
Making brownies
I sent a picture to my friends
There's that pink tablet
I've had for years
Older now but cluttered
With files and drawings and photos and things
Another old thing
This case was hers
This was her phone remember
Hands me the new one
I'm already used to my new password
Do you remember
When you got the book you're holding
Years ago, Yes
Stories
And wizards
Yes, lots of ships
What's that mean
Don't you worry
The last few months spent buried in fanfiction
Not all consuming anymore
But as soon as
I could
I knew
Here we go
A galaxy icon
Been my profile picture since 2018
Before I changed it again
New identity but not really
Yes, I caught that reference!
Ha, that's a song
Continue reading the next part
And the next
Searching for something to keep me away
From the place reality has become
Head bent over another drawing
Afraid to get up
To do anything
All those stickers on that computer
I put them there over a year ago
The battery now
Slowly filling up
It's been plugged in as long as I've sat here writing this down
The sun's starting to shine now
Remember the comment
On my post?
Someone liked the poem I wrote
And then I think
The one from this morning
800 words?
How is it that it jumps up so fast?
Just words emotion
Well
Guess I feel relieved
Stating facts almost
A different style than before
But honestly I'm glad
And I'm also glad
This was successful
Enough
For people to see and want to read
Heard
Yes
That's what I like
Purple pink blue
The bracelet I made last month
The fun little beads
Get a glass of water now
From the counter
Thirsty
Hungry
Tired
From focusing so hard
But
Relieved
...relieved
I remembered
Those thoughts
And I got scared
But
If I can feel better now
I can do it again
And besides
Though I'm just typing typing typing
On this little screen
I'm not texting no
Maybe that's-
Actually I don't know
What they think
But I'm writing
My thoughts
My feelings
My heart
On paper
Yet not
Saved here at least
My heart hurts but
It isn't broken
Neither is reality
Those hours spent drawing?
You're still not a failure
Breathe
In and out
Reality
Is a strange place
I'm still trying to navigate
But
All isn't lost
No matter how much
You lose your way

^^^^^^^^^
Wow. Somehow I write better when I'm really emotional. 1000+ words, right now.
Yeah there was a lot going on on my head and otherwise.
But honestly I think this captures my thoughts pretty well. They jump around a lot, bouncing off reality If that makes sense. A lot happened in this poem so I can't think of one specific thing to address like I usually do, well...
When you've been feeling like this for a few years you Focus on the way you saw reality before and after, and you're in the same places sometimes feeling differently Yet in a place you spent years in befkre...
Anyway.
Life is hard. It doesn't make a lot of sense always. But. I promise someone always does care about you, even when it doesn't feel like that. Even when things seem crazy.
-🌌
G a l a x y