The Original Poems

~Summer~

It's summer now, 

The pounding heat surrounds everything, 

Everyone searches for things to do, 

For ways of keeping themselves entertained,

It's summer now 

And school is out, 

Just as I knew it would be, 

Just as I wished it would be 

It's summer now, 

June, 

And hot, 

It's already surprising me in ways I didn't expect,

Some good, 

I've learned

That I'm not so alone, 

That other people feel this way, 

Confused and hurt and 

Not quite fitting in neatly into society's mold,

But still here, 

Still showing our true colors,

Yet some bad, 

It's meant to be time 

To put away those long sleeves now, 

And yet 

I'm not ready to give up that protection they seem to offer 

Time to-

What? 

For years gone by left me feeling the same way 

It's summer, 

Not winter,

Not cold, not desolate,

And yet. 

It never made much of a difference to me 

This extra time never cared 

What I wanted 

Or what I needed,

It simply said, "Alone" 

And I fell into a sort of crazed mental state, 

One I never quite abandoned 

For how could I? 

When everyone is searching for things to do I simply wish 

These thoughts would leave me alone, 

These feelings would leave me alone 

I don't want to wake up with a pounding heart, 

An anxious mind, yet again, 

I don't want to wake up and have another panic attack, 

Out of nowhere, 

Out of the blue, 

Crippling me even further, whether or not anyone sees, 

I don't want to have another battle against myself, 

Locking the door behind me and hoping with everything inside me that I won't give in, 

I don't want to have a thought strike me, 

Making my hands shake too hard to focus on a task 

I don't want to be dragged along to another place, 

Walk with shaking legs forward

But mostly 

I don't want your sympathy, 

Your "how have you beens" 

That only make me mistrust it all even further 

I don't want you to see me cry, 

And know that I can't hide from you, can't escape, 

Can't pretend 

I don't want 

To dedicate all my time to something I used to enjoy, 

Only to look up, 

And realize 

How alone I've been this whole time

I don't want, 

To have someone tell me what to do,

I already can't be normal, 

I've tried,

And I've failed-

That boat sailed a long time ago 

I don't want

To worry myself silly 

To think and think and think 

Until you say something and I have no idea what you just said 

I don't want 

To create more silly fantasies to help me cope,

And yet

That's all I ever seem to do,

In the back of my mind 

It's summer, now,

Time to go on vacations, 

Time to have fun, 

Not time to question life 

Not time to wonder about your place in the world,

And certainly not time to pick up those old habits I thought I left behind-

No,

No more can be said about that 

It's not time for any of these things...

Apparently.

But when that's all I've ever known this time to carry,

I'm sorry if I don't trust your ideals and your words. 

No. 

I'm not sorry 

I just wish 

It could be different. 

But things are not so easily changed. 

Welcome, summer. 

I don't know how I'll get through your sluggish afternoons

But you're here now,

I'm scared, 

Again, 

But you're here

And no matter what good happens-

So much bad could 

And that's what's got me worried.