The Original Poems

~Obsessions~

Is this living or is this just running? 

Running from one task to the next, trying to distract me from, well me...

Focusing on one thing, another, another, another-

I tell myself I'm just interested in many things, 

That I like to apply myself and see results-

But the truth is...

Deep down, I'm lonely and afraid and scared 

And scarred 

And I need a distraction 

Or maybe a thousand

But that's okay, I'm not the only crazy one, right? 

Who am I kidding, I'm so messed up-

And I know it. 

Why do you think I can't stand to be alone with myself?

Sure, sure, I'm "talented"

"Talent" means nothing to me, 

Maybe once I had innocent interests, 

Now I just have unhealthy coping mechanisms, 

Always trying to change what I see, create something...

Just to feel okay

Like I did something that matters 

But it doesn't work like that 

Sure, maybe I'll temporarily feel release-

Then what?

Right back to square one 

Time to hold myself to even higher standards,

Like a perfectionist, 

Oh, sure, I have a goal to-

No. 

Forget that. 

Forget goals.

No. 

I don't really want to improve myself. 

I just want to be happy. 

Honestly. 

Deep down that's all I ever wanted, 

Then so much went wrong. 

So much. 

Now look. 

Here I am,

Broken on the ground, 

Surrounded by a thousand fragments of who I thought I was and who I tried to be 

Running at an insane pace

I'll do this and this and this and maybe I don't have to worry 

Or maybe I will even more 

What does it matter now? 

I'm not truly alive-

But surely this is better than death-

Surely...

Oh, why do I hesitate? 

No, don't go there, please...

I know myself, and I know my feelings 

Even as I try to run they'll catch me again 

So I'll try to drown them out but it does no good-