I woke up to someone shaking my arm and whispering my name. "Eren, Eren, wake up. Come on Eren please."
I opened my eyes and looked up at the shadow figure standing above me. Everything was so blurry and dark.
"What time is it?" I asked, still trying to figure out who exactly I was talking too.
"Shh, quiet down you're going to wake Levi. I don't know what time it is it's the middle of the night," I heard the voice say.
Well, I guess that crosses one person off the list of who it could be. I mean it was a guy talking to me but in my sleep trance, I couldn't pinpoint it exactly even though it sounded really familiar. I wasn't even sure if this was actually real this all feels like a dream, but that could just be my tiredness talking.
"Can we talk in the common room?" they asked.
"Sure," I said before wiggling out of Levi's arm and throwing off the covers.
"Um, please get dressed first, I'll meet you out there," they said and I realized I was still only in my boxers.
I got dressed into some lounging clothes and woke up a little before walking out to the common area where I saw a lantern lit and a person sitting at a table.
Well, this definitely isn't a dream. I walked closer and they turned around to look at me.
"Jean?" I asked getting a clearer look at his face. "What's up with all the secrecy?" I asked taking a seat across from him at the makeshift table.
"I have something I want to say, but I don't want Marco or Levi to know. Can you keep this a secret from Levi?" He asked and I just stared at him.
"The man can read minds, how the hell do you expect me to do that?"
"I mean you've done it before," he said and I knew exactly what he was referring to.
"If you are talking about when I hid my crush on him that's different it was years ago and he's gotten better at using his powers and he's way less oblivious, besides he knows when I'm keeping secrets now by just my body language alone."
"Well if he does find out can you tell him not to say anything?" Jean said desperately.
I've never heard him sound this desperate before... or scared. It's starting to worry me. "If he knows it's a secret he won't say anything," I nodded.
"Okay good," he took a deep breath.
"So what is this about?"
"I think I found out about another backlash," Jean said his tone sounded worried.
I felt a shiver go down my spine. Backlash was never a good thing to find out and it's always scary and I'm assuming it's something really bad since he seems really scared about it. "What happened?"
"Well it's been happening for a few weeks now." Jean said, biting his lip. A few weeks why didn't he say anything sooner? "Remember right after Ilsa's death we all started sparring and one day we decided to spar all night long to keep the thoughts away?"
"How could I forget," I said rubbing at my own wrists which definitely suffered some backlash.
"Well, remember how I said I felt like we overdid it by a lot?" He said looking down at his hands.
"Yeah."
"Well, I don't think I realize how much I overdid it," he took a deep breath and looked back up at me. "I thought it was nothing that it would just go away after I got some rest. When it didn't I thought maybe I just needed a day and a day turned into a week and when it hit the two week mark I started to get nervous, now it's been almost three weeks and it still hasn't gone away and I'm afraid I may have done permanent damage." I could feel the fear radiating off of him but I still wasn't sure what he was talking about.
"Permanent damage to what?" I asked.
"Hold my hands." He said and I was a little confused but he put his hands out on the table in front of me. Everything looked normal, no weird bruising or burn marks on his hands or anything. I reached my hands out and held his hands and I watched him close his eyes and grit his teeth. I let go of his hands instantly.
"Sorry did I hurt you!" I said quickly I just barely touched them.
"You didn't hurt me," he said and I saw tears slipping down his cheek. "I couldn't feel anything." He left his hands on the table in front of me.
"What?" I was confused for a minute and then it all hit me. "Wait you didn't feel anything. Like at all?" I asked before reaching back and grabbing his hand. He just stared down at where I held his hand.
"If I didn't see you grab my hand I wouldn't have known you even touched it," he said looking away.
"This has been going on for three weeks and you haven't said anything about it," I asked, almost frustrated. I get he was scared, but maybe just maybe Hanji could have helped.
"I know what you are going to say and it won't work," Jean said letting out a defeated sigh, "you and I both know that Hanji can't heal backlash. Besides she already knows."
"She already knows?" I asked a little shocked.
"Yeah, she found out when I had her heal one of my burns she could feel what was wrong with my hands and I told her not to say anything until I was ready."
I just stayed quiet. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I just let go of his hand and looked away trying to think up a solution but I just kept drawing blanks.
"I didn't come to you for an answer," he said quickly, "I came to you because I needed someone who would listen," he said and I could feel how exhausted he sounded. I wonder how many sleepless nights he's stayed awake worrying about this alone.
"Why don't you want Marco to know?" I asked and he shook his head.
"I don't want him to worry."
"He's your boyfriend, you should tell him. You know the longer you wait to tell him the more hurt he will be."
"I know, I just can't tell him yet. I haven't even fully accepted it and telling him means that I would have to. I keep telling myself that the feeling is going to come back, that it's just taking a long time because I really overdid it, but a part of me knows that this is permanent." He let out a sigh and looked up at me, "how did you tell Levi? I mean you were the first one of us to experience permanent backlash, how did you do it?"
"I mean don't get me wrong I was the same way when my wrists started hurting and wouldn't stop, but lucky for me I didn't have to tell Levi. He knew the second it started happening that something was wrong."
"No fair, your boyfriend can just tell when somethings up. Mine I actually have to talk to," Jean sighed. "Talking is so much harder."
I couldn't help but laugh a little, "yeah I guess I really lucked out on this one."
"You really did you lucky bastard," he smiled.
"So wait how far up does it go?" I asked. Could he not feel anything anywhere or was it just his arms?"
"It's just my hands I can feel my wrists, but not anything past them," he said pointing to the spot on his arm where the feeling ended.He started laughing but there was more pain than joy behind that laugh. "How fucking ironic."
"What is?"
"Well just a few months ago I was yelling at you for being reckless and telling you not to over do it so when all of this is over and when I marry Marco you could raise a glass without your arms being fucked up. Well guess I needed to take my own advice cause now look at who has the fucked up hands."
"At least you can still use them, that's the important thing. You wills till be able to pick up the ring and put it on Marco's finger and that's the important part," I said and I saw him smile.
"That actually made me feel a little better," he said quietly.
"So how did you first find out?" I asked, clearing my throat as I changed back to the original topic.
"It was later that night on our way back to our room. Me and Marco usually hold hands while we walk. When we got into our room Marco asked me if something was wrong and I told him no and asked him why. He asked me why I didn't hold his hand back while we walked. I didn't even realize he was holding my hand to begin with."
"What did you end up telling him?"
"I just told him I was really tired and my mind must have wandered off," Jean shrugged. "It sucks," he let out a frustrated sigh. "Not only does it stop me from actually being able to feel Marco when I put my hand up to his face or hold his hand or... other things, but it also is fucking with my other powers. Now I can't tell when I over use my fire because usually I can tell when my hands start to burn a little but apparently I can't feel any pain in my hands either."
"Wait so when you burned your hand sparring the other day it wasn't because you were determined to win?"
"No that's just what I told everyone so they wouldn't worry about me as much."
"Is that when Hanji found out?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"Who else knows?"
"You and Hanji are the only ones," he said quietly.
"You should probably tell Pixis that's something he might need to know and I'm sure he won't tell anyone."
Jean just smiled and let out a forced laugh, "that's what Hanji said too."
"Well she's right then," I said and Jean nodded.
"I know."
"I feel like there's a but coming," I said, raising an eyebrow.
"However-,"
"That's just a fancy but," I cut him off.
"Look I'm just not ready to tell anyone. You were the only exception cause I know you will listen and won't run around telling everyone. I just need some time to let it sink in for myself before I tell anyone else. Including Marco."
I nodded, "that's fair, but if shit starts to go sideways on missions because of this you need to come to me immediately," I said staring him dead in the eyes.
"I know that's part of what I was going to ask you. I need someone to have my back while I figure this out and I know you and Levi are probably going to be the only ones who will actually have my back without telling anyone."
"I thought you didn't want me to tell Levi?" I asked.
"Well I would prefer if he didn't know, but you said it yourself he will find out," Jean shrugged.
"If he hasn't already found out already," I mumbled, "I mean if you've been dealing with this for almost three weeks now chances are he already knows."
"He does," we both whipped around hearing a voice in the darkness.
"Fuck Levi," I said eyes widening.
Jean just whipped his head back around and stared at the floor. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I came to see where Eren disappeared from."
"How much did you hear?" I asked.
"All of it," he shrugged.
"Why the fuck were you easvedropping," I rolled my eyes.
"I didn't mean to, but after following you out here I saw the lantern and the light was really bright and I couldn't really see to get back to the room so I just leaned up against the wall." I just let out a sigh and looked back to Jean who looked absolutely drained.
"If it makes you feel better to know I won't tell anyone. I mean I've gone without telling anyone for this long and I've known since like day two," Levi said and Jean looked up.
"You have?"
"Yeah, when people are worried about stuff and trying extra hard not to think about it then their thoughts end up being louder and harder to tune out," Levi said before walking up and putting a hand on his shoulder. "I know this is terrifying, but we have your back. And don't worry about telling Marco right away let it process for yourself and when you do tell him he will understand,"
"Thank you," Jean said quietly to Levi before taking a deep breath. "Well thank you both for listening, and keeping this a secret, and sorry to wake you up, but this just drained the last bit of energy I had left, so I'm going to head back to bed before Marco comes looking for me," He stood to leave and I felt my body move on its own.
I stood up and threw my arms around him. I could tell he needed that hug with how tightly he hugged me back. He usually tells me he hates hugs or just gives me a little hug to keep up the illusion that he hates them, but I could feel him cling to me for what seemed like dear life. I felt his arms shake and his breathing hitch. I heard Levi walk closer before seeing him put a hand on his back and rubbing it.
After a minute Jean took a deep breath and let me go before whispering out in a shakey, "thank you I really needed that." he kept his eyes to the ground as we all walked back to our rooms. We had to follow him because he had the only lantern and surprisingly Levi was right. It was so hard to see without one after looking at the light.
We headed into our room after wishing him a goodnight. I sat on the bed and looked at Levi who just nodded.
"I'm worried for him too. He said, taking a seat next to me, "but there's nothing more we can do tonight. It's best to get some sleep. We have to be up early in the morning for practice.
"You're right," I let out a sigh before climbing into bed as he did the same.