No matter how much I tried shaking it, I couldn't, I felt like a terrible person.
I killed the only person Seviah knew, the only person she ever had a connection with, the person who she had shared her life with.
The moment it happened I felt nothing, when I first got to the ship with the captain I felt nothing, and now...
Now, my heart not only hurts for myself, but it hurts for Seviah, and soon, I'm sure, it'll hurt for Ivan.
We'd been on the ship for about four days and we'd be approaching the Earthern Territory in the morning, much to late if one was to ask me.
The first time on the ship it was full of so much life, so much hope, and so much love. Now it seems that this ship was a floating reminder of how different things were. How Jarom wasn't here, how I'd just murdered someone who was protecting his family, how I hurt a friend, and how it seems I'll continue to hurt more people.
I leaned on the rail looking at the magnificent sunset that was taking place.
Somewhere, I hope someone who is as lost as me is finding there way, is finding joy and happiness.
"I'm a pathetic excuse for a princess" I mumbled to myself.
"No, you're not" Seviah said as she approached me.
Seviah was wearing a long, loose, red dress with a golden belt, her long, straight, black hair blew in the wind and she gently held onto the small ruby necklace that hung from her neck.
"How are you?" Seviah sweetly asked.
How did she want me to respond? 'Great! I just killed your father a few days ago and lost my lover?' Why was she being so kind?
"I'm surviving" I replied to her.
"Surviving" She repeated, "I know exactly what you mean".
Seviah and I locked eyes and there seemed to be a language that her and I both seemed to know, it was the language of loss and hurt, loneliness and sorrow, and oddly, betrayal.
"I don't hate you" Seviah said grabbing one of my hands, "I'm hurt, and I wish it wouldn't have happened" She said as a tear fell down her face, "But I know you didn't do it on purpose."
"Seviah, I don't... I can't even begin to...I simply just..."
Tears were falling tremendously from Seviah and I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say, so I just stood there and Seviah took over.
"Even if you were to have killed him, you weren't killing him to just get a kill, you were doing it because you were protecting your friends, your colony, and your love"
Seviah turned around and began to walk away, with out wasting a moment I turned to grab her arm and pulled her in for a hug.
Seviah let all the tears and sadness escape her body in those moments. She sobbed into me as if she could literally just push all the pain and hurt out of her, she didn't want to be sad, she probably wasn't so used to this emotion.
I held her tightly as a few tears fell from my face, not for me, but for the distress that she was going through, I knew of this pain much too well.
By the time I was pulled out of thought I realized that the sun had gone completely down, the moon looked like a little sliver, and the stars seemed to shine as brightly as they could.
Seviah let go of me and wiped the remaining tears off her face, "I'm so glad I had this chance to talk with you".
I smiled and gave her a quick hug, "As I well".
Seviah and I made our way down to the main room that everyone was relaxing in.
Ivan was sleeping on the couch, Dax was sitting at one of the tables playing cards by himself, Felicity observing him, and the captain was looking out the window.
Seviah went over and joined Felicity and Dax while I made my way to the captain.
"What's on your mind" I asked him.
The window we looked out was extremely big, it showed the entire night scene, the sliver moon, the stars, the small waves in the ocean, and the dark night sky.
"I'm not sure what I'm going to do when all of this is over." He said in a slow, deep voice.
"What do you want to do?" I probed.
The captain looked at me, eyes still full of hurt and a demeanor that said, 'heartbroken'.
"I want to return to my family," He said almost choking on his words, "But I'm not foolish enough to think that will happen."
I couldn't be quite sure, no one truly can, but I knew that things would work out for him in the end.
"A lot of horrible things have happened while I've been on this trip, Captain," I said looking directly at him, "And even though my life isn't in a good place and I'm not sure if it'll ever get back to where I want it, I do know that things will work out."
The captain scoffed.
I continued, "I'm almost positive that my palace is being run by a maniac who is trying to steal my throne, my only family member I have could be dead for all I know, the people of my colony might not want be back, but somehow I'm positive in the end things will work out".
The captain looked at me and gave a weak smile, "I'm not where you're at in life but I hope I can get there soon."
The captain put his hand on my shoulder and then walked away.
I walked over and sat with Seviah, Felicity, and Dax and began to play cards with them.
Dax began handing each of us five cards, "You ready for tomorrow?"
I looked behind me and at Ivan, who was still sleeping, and back at the group, "Ready? I don't think I'm ever ready, things just keep happening and I have to adjust".
"If only we had normal lives" Seviah commented.
I picked up my cards and looked at them, at least I had one good thing going in my life.
"What's your plan?" Dax asked me.
It felt foolish, the plan Ivan and I had come up with, but it seemed it was the most sensible thing to do.
"We plan on talking to them."
Dax looked at with as if I was going to say more.
I didn't.
"And?" Dax tried to probe.
"And what?" I replied back, "What else am I supposed to do! We are going there to get answers."
"That parts fine," Dax said, setting his cards down so we could all see what he had, "But what are you going to do AFTER you get answers?"
I took a deep breath, "It depends what they are going to do, what they say."
The group fell silent, the only sound came from Ivan's heavy breathing.
"I'm not sure what they will say," I continued, "But if they tell me what Seviah's father told me, then I don't think I'm left with many choices".
I played my cards and instantly eliminated Dax from the game, "Don't show you cards next time".
Dax looked down at his cards and then back up at me and began to glare, "That's not fair".
Seviah, Felicity, and I began to laugh while Dax fumbled with his cards trying to find an excuse out.
"Anyway," I began, "Tomorrow is going to end in one way or another."
Seviah, Dax, Felicity, and I all looked at each other.
"I'm not sure what's going to happen," Felicity began, "But let's stick together, let's finish whatever this is together".
"Of course." I said.
"Agreed." Dax chimed in.
"Together." Seviah emphasized.
We put our card game up and then went to our sleeping areas.
I tried to fall asleep but couldn't seem to manage, so I got up and made my way over to the big window and just looked out at the night sky.
Not much was going through my mind, not much at all, but at that very moment that I looked out the window I felt a rush of energy, a light, happy, wonderful energy, that seemed to consume my body.
I quickly looked around to see what it could've been but there was only my sleeping friends and the empty ocean.
I looked back towards the ocean and smiled, a true genuine smile, whatever it was, I needed it.
I observed the ocean for just a little longer and decided to try sleeping again, maybe this time I'd have better luck.
An earsplitting noise instantly woke me, causing my heart to pound a thousand beats in just moments. I looked around the room that was once warm and welcoming and now it had been blown to bits.
I looked around at my friends and they holding their ears from the deafening sounds that had occurred.
Ivan rushed over to Felicity and held her while the rest of us looked around at what could've possibly happened.
A huge hole had been torn in the wall that the window was attached to, the window itself had been shattered and shards of glass had cut me.
I yelled at my friends but it didn't seem like a sound even came out, they didn't even look in my direction.
I turned my attention to the opening that had been created and stumbled my over to it.
The morning sunlight was pouring through the new entrance which only highlighted the dust that was in the air.
I made my way to the immense hole in the wall and looked out.
There, no to far from our ship, were two ships from the Fire Empire.
They were huge, much bigger than our own ship, and had many men on them, and the weapons they had would destroy us in moments.
"There" I heard a voice murmur from one of the ships.
It came from the direction of the ship to the left, a man who seemed to be the general was pointing down at me.
"Fire!" A command came.
"Load the cannon, quickly!" A voice shouted.
Without another moment wasted a loud sound emerged from the ship to the left and a cannon was fired right towards me.
I took a defensive position and raised my arms up and clenched my fingers, in unison with me a huge wave went up and froze in between the cannon and me.
The cannon smashed into the frozen wave and only got so far before it became stuck. I melted the wave and let the cannon drop along with it.
The cannons they used were built right into the ship, like any other ship I suppose, with holes all along the side of the ship indicating where they were.
I wasted no time and froze water over all the cannon holes that I saw for both ships.
I turned around to face my friends who were now much more coherent.
"To the main deck, now!" I ordered.
Dax, Felicity, Ivan, Seviah, and I all rushed out of the room and to the main deck with me following them closely behind.
I ran up the stairs to see the captain facing the two ships.
"Captain!" I shouted, "What are we to do?"
The captain turned and looked at me with nothing but the look of helplessness.
"No," I said to him, "This isn't how it's going to end! We are going to do –"
Another cannon hit the main deck throwing all of us back into the railing.
A ringing sound emerged in my head to the point where it became deafening but quickly went away.
I got up quickly only to be thrown back down from the impact of another cannon hitting the ship.
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!" Felicity yelled in horror.
I had been thrown right next to the captain and saw that he wasn't moving.
I crawled to him and began shaking him, "Captain! Captain!" I shouted.
The captain didn't move, he was lifeless.
I put my finger against his neck to try and sense some kind of pulse beat but I felt nothing, he was dead.
I turned around to my friends who all seemed to be in shock, was this the moment we died?
For a moment I thought we could just sit there, wait for a cannon to hit us and have that be that, but it was all too quickly that I shook the idea from my head and knew we had to act quick.
"Ivan! Dax!" I yelled.
They both looked at me with wide eyes but eager to listen so that we could get out of here.
"Our animals! Carry the captain to our animals, now!"
They looked confused, not sure what I was thinking, but they did it.
"Seviah, Felicity" I grabbed their attention, "Come with me!"
As frightened as they were they immediately picked themselves up and followed me.
The men from ships were still struggling with most of the cannons, "They are blocked!" "Someone melt them!" "Hurry up with it!"
We made our way to our animals, who were much more in frenzy then we were, so calming them down took some time.
"What's the plan!?" Dax questioned me.
"Is the captain dead?!" Seviah asked in horror.
"The Earthern Territory is right there!" I pointed out.
In the midst of all the chaos that was happening it seemed that everyone forgot that today was the day we were to arrive to the Earthern Territory, the captain had literally delivered us here and we weren't going to stop until we did what we came to do.
The Earthern Territory was a distance away, but we could still make it there if we acted quick.
"It's just right there!" Ivan exclaimed, "We can make it!"
"Exactly! That's what I'm saying!" I supported.
Everyone was all ears by this point and I was ready to explain.
"It's rather simple!" I shouted, the men on the two ships were loud and getting angrier by the second, "We get on our animals and jump ship"
"My bird doesn't swim!" Felicity yelled in astonishment that I would even think of such a thing.
"I know that!" I quickly snapped back, "I'm going to create and air bubble around us and we will float to the bottom of the sea floor, it can't be that deep at this point"
Dax looked at me like I was a genius, "Perfect! From there we are safe from them and can make our way to the shore!"
"Exactly! But we have to act quick! This ship is already sinking!" I explained, looking around.
"Cannons are clear sir!" I heard a man shout from one of the ships.
"Hold onto the captain" I ordered towards Ivan.
Ivan wasn't the strongest guy for this but I needed Dax to help me with water bending.
"On three we are going to jump, hurry and get your animals" I instructed.
Just as I was reaching to jump on my bear a cannon hit directly in front of us and sent all of us flying over the rail and plummeting into the ocean.
Everything went dark, I don't remember feeling anything besides coldness. I couldn't feel the beating of my heart, my breathing, the water that I should be feeling. It was quiet though, almost as if everything had disappeared. Maybe I was slipping away.
A flood of light came into my view and caused me to close my eyes and yet the light became brighter.
'What's happening' I thought to myself.
"Fight, Ëthia, Fight" A familiar voice emerged.
"Jarom?"I quickly asked.
"Fight." The voice said again.
The sound of the voice caused me to feel my heart beat again, followed by the water, and then the bright light quickly faded.
My eyes shot open and I was sinking to the towards the bottom of the ocean floor. I looked around and saw that each of my friends weren't moving, they too slowly sank.
I looked down away from the oceans surface and towards the oceans floor, reached my arms out and twisted my hands in a circle motion, instantly I found myself being thrusted towards the oceans surface and quickly broke through.
With the ship still in between us and the other ships the men weren't able to see me quickly emerge from the ocean.
For a moment I was floating in the air before I began my descent back down into the ocean.
Before going down I was able to form a huge air bubble that followed me back down into the ocean.
Felicity was the first body I came to, I was able to get her into the bubble, then Dax, Ivan, Seviah, and the animals.
I reached the bottom of the ocean floor and froze the bubble so I didn't have to manually attend to it.
All my friends lay on the ground motionless, I only had moments to act.
I easily was able to waterbend the water out of their lungs and Seviah, Ivan, and Dax all began to cough.
Not having time to greet them I turned my attention to Felicity who was still motionless.
I went over to her body and tried to examine it, the light at the bottom of the ocean was dim, not much to go off of.
I turned my attention to Seviah, "Seviah! Can you give me some light?!"
Seviah, along with Dax and Ivan, weren't exactly sure what was happening or where they were.
"Seviah!" I shouted once again.
"Sorry." She said and made her way over to me.
She had her palms up and flames appeared over her hands.
I looked back down at Felicity and saw that she had a pool of blood forming behind her neck.
I turned her over and saw that there was a huge gash on the back of her head.
"No, no, no, no." I muttered to myself many times.
Ivan heard my concern and made his way over to me, he looked down at Felicity and tears fell from his face, "Is she dead?"
"No." I said quickly, "But I'm not sure there is much I can do."
Without wasting more time talking I started to bend some of the frozen water that was surrounding us. The water melted and started moving in a circular disk above my palm. The water began to glow a magnificent blue color and I gently pressed it into the gash that Felicity had.
The cut itself almost healed instantly but what worried me was the damage that had already been done.
Ivan's face became red with anger, his eyes almost seemed to change color, and his complete demeanor almost made him seem like he was someone else.
Ivan stood up and faced away from us all.
"Ivan, what are you doing?" Dax asked in a puzzled tone.
Ivan stomped the ground and it began to vibrate.
"Ivan!" I shouted, "What are you doing!?"
Ivan thrusted his hands up and the vibrations became more violent and much more powerful.
Even under the ocean I heard a huge clashing noise, like something was colliding with metal.
I turned my attention back to Ivan and realized what he was doing, he was destroying the ships up above.
Ivan stood standing and moving his hands and arms as if his own life depended on it for the longest time, or so it seemed.
When he was done he dropped to the ground having all the energy taken out of him.
"Ivan." a quiet voice said.
I turned my head back down towards Felicity and saw that she had her eyes open, "Is he okay?" She asked me.
I nodded my head with happiness and gently hugged her.
"Don't ever scare us like that again!" I shouted to her.
Ivan, as drained as he was, instantly made his way over and embraced Felicity.
Words weren't said between them but there was much being communicated.
Seeing their embrace instantly saddened my heart, reminding me once more of Jarom, reminding me of how he used to embrace and hold me.
A hand was put on my shoulder and I turned around to see that it was Dax.
There was something about the way that he looked at me that let me know he knew how I felt, I'm not sure how, I'm not sure if it was true, but in that moment, I turned around and cried into Dax's shoulder as if Dax could somehow take all the pain away.
Dax held onto me and held me close, and the pain did ease, it wasn't long before I was able to compose myself and return to the task at hand.
"Sorry about that," I said to everyone, "I guess a lot of things are still going through my mind".
"You're fine, Ëthia." Felicity reassured me.
I looked around and saw that the animals were okay, which was a good sign, and that my friends were accounted for.
"Wait." I said looking around much more quickly.
"what?" They all asked.
"Where's the captain?"
Everyone instantly looked around and then back at me.
"I didn't grab him" I said in disbelief.
I melted the frozen bubble we were in and looked into the ocean itself, "Where is he?!" I asked frantically looking around.
"There!" Ivan pointed.
From what it looked like the captain was just floating, his back towards us, as if there was no care in the world.
In reality, he was dead.
"It's not your fault Ëthia," Seviah warned, "he was dead before hitting the water."
"I was going to save him."
"This is war, Ëthia, not everyone is going to survive" Ivan replied, "No matter how good of people they are."
War? Was this a war? Is that what this was becoming?
I stuck my hands out and controlled the water that was around his body, eventually his body was right by the bubble and I had Dax and Ivan pull him in.
"This isn't how it should've ended." I told everyone, "We saved him from death only to prolong it."
"He saved us." Seviah said as she walked over to the body, "I know you wanted to save him, and that's noble, but he saved us, let him have this one."
I turned and looked at Seviah, not impressed by what she was saying, "He has a family! A child, a wife! And now he is dead!"
"Ëthia!" She yelled back at me, "He never would've been able to return, never! I know you want to believe that you, yourself, are going to change the whole world, but you can't! If that was the case you would've been made a prophet or something! Please stop acting like you're responsible for everything!"
Seviah turned around and walked to the other side of the bubble and stared out into the ocean.
"It's okay to be upset about his death, Ëthia" She continued, "But we have a lot more at hand".
She turned around and faced me, "Please, let's get the answers and results we need before we start mourning."
I nodded my head, in a way she was right, there was a lot to be done and we needed to focus on doing all of that before I focused on each individual causality that has happened.
I looked at Ivan, "Once we get to the shore we need to bury him, I won't bury him here" I looked to the rest of my friends, "After that we are stopping by our friends who helped us sneak into the palace from before."
Everyone nodded their heads and we began our ascent to the shore.
The closer we got to the surface the closer to danger we came, I couldn't afford the loss of anyone else.
I know I shouldn't feel responsible but every time someone died It felt as if it rested on my shoulders.
I was going to find out what was really happening in the Earthern Territory, I was going to get answers, I am going to end all of this madness one way or another.
For my family, friends, Jarom, and myself.