"Erin wake up. Erin?" Was all I heard. It was a familiar voice, Kelly's voice. I sighed and sat up. Then I felt the pain and it hit me what had happened last night. I looked at him and he was holding and rocking in his arms the baby.
"Kelly it's no use. She's gone." I sighed.
"What happened?"
"I gave birth last night. Please help me."
"I didn't know you were pregnant?"
"No one did. I knew I was and I didn't expect to give birth last night but literally at half past 6 last night I gave birth. I had to do it myself. Literally give birth myself. I need help Kelly. What am I supposed to do? Please help me. Take her to the hospital."
"Erin you need medical attention as well."
"No I'm going to clean myself up, changed the bedsheets and then get to the hospital with Jay."
"What should I do with this baby?"
"Take her to the hospital and go see Will and say it's one of your friends who gave birth. They want to be kept anonymous but they have had a lot of medical attention and they are doing well." I smiled warmly. He nodded and within minutes he left. I got up had a shower, cleaned out the bath, cleaned the floor, changed the bed sheets and then finally headed to work first. I stayed sitting in the car and looked into the mirror - Really pale skin, dark black circles under my eyes, chapped dry lips. Hands still shaking. I pulled up outside the building before going inside, walking slowly and calmly, I was in so much pain. I got up the stairs and went and sat down at my desk, carefully putting my laptop and my files into my bag.
"How's Jay and everything?" Adam smiled.
"Yeah good thank you. I'm going to see him soon. Just thought I'd grab some work. I'm good too." I smiled. I was so tearful.
"You look quite poorly." Upton smiled. My blood boiled but I kept so cool.
"Yeah I collapsed yesterday morning. Exhaustion and stuff but I'm doing okay. Right I'm off anyway. If you need anything I'll be at the hospital all day. Call me if we do a take out."
"I'll personally pick you up if we do." Upton smiled.
"Thank you."
"Good luck. Hope everything's okay."
"Thank you. See you guys later." I smiled. *
*
When I got to the hospital Kelly was sitting in with Jay. He looked shocked, well and truly scarred. I sighed and sat down.
"Erin? How are you?"
"I'm good. I've taken painkillers. I think I might have some kind of infection but I'm getting antibiotics to take. Did you sort it?"
"Will knew. He sorted it out and he said he'll come and see you tonight and talk you through the next process."
"Okay thank you. I'm going to work from here with Jay for the moment." I smiled.
"Okay good. I'm staying here for now then? I've not got work until later." I nodded and carried on working, I logged onto my laptop and began typing up the folders next to me. I kept looking up at Kelly who was sat in the armchair, head back and eyes closed. Jay was still in the same place, same facial expression, not moved at all. I decided I was going to give him a wash soon as well. I finished writing up and just as I was running warm water Will come in.
"Erin?" He whispered.
"What's up?"
"Come for a check up please?" He smiled. I nodded and kissed Jay's head and followed him out into another room, he drew the curtains and did whatever he had to do. He wrote me up a prescription for more antibiotics and painkillers to take. He helped me up with a smile.
"Your little girl was born far too early for us to do anything, we tried. Like you asked, we tired to get her back but it was too late. You did very well giving birth though. You delivered the baby and the afterbirth wonderfully. So well done." He smiled, he hugged me before I went back in with Jay. Kelly was awake and smiled when I sat down. There was a nurse in there re - adjusting Jay's tubes and wires.
"Is everything okay?" I smiled.
"Yes it's okay. Jay's heartrate went up slightly and it raised our alarms so I came to check out and make sure everything was okay."
"Oh okay wonderful. Thank you for the help. It means so much. I'm grateful. Are we doing the electrotherapy today?"
"Yeah of course. We are doing a scan first. We are going for a CT scan and then after we will go and do the therapy."
"Okay see you in a bit then yeah?" I smiled.
"Of course. I'll be back soon." She smiled.
* * *
5 months since we'd lost Jay. Well not lost but it seemed like we'd lost him. Erin had been falling apart. I don't know what she was supposed to do anymore because working was hard for her, even leaving the apartment was hard. Kelly had promised me he would look after her and he had been. He'd moved into the spare room in the apartment. I'd been trying to help her as well but it was almost like she'd pushed us all away. She agreed to having Upton taking over her position until she would be okay. Today I wanted answers, honest and complete answers. I wanted to know what I was dealing with. It was my responsibly to care for my team even when they were on P.T.O's. I pulled up outside the hospital and headed through to the ward. Before I could get in there she was stood outside crying and shaking. Kelly hugging her, she cried into his chest.
"What's going on?" I smiled. Kelly looked over to the door and I looked in the room, Jay was surrounded by Will and his team and they were doing CPR. "It'll be okay lovely." I smiled. I joined the hug so I could hold Erin in my arms too.
"He's going to die isn't he?" She cried. It was almost impossible to understand it but I wiped her eyes and Kelly stood back by the door watching everything.
"Of course he isn't." I laughed quietly. "He's strong Erin." I kissed her head.
"I lost her I can't lose him as well..." She cried. Kelly looked at her and then me then back at her.
*
I wasn't expecting it but within minutes Will come out and pulled me to one side.
"Come with us, we're going to take Jay for a scan now, we want you to come with us? Are you coming?"
"Yeah, yes of course. Let's go." I smiled. I wiped my eyes and ran upstairs with him alongside Will. I waited with him on the safe side of the glass. I stood there zoned out, tearful eyes. I wanted Jay back. 5 months I'd gone without him. Kelly was trying to help me but nothing worked. I wanted him back.
Finally we headed back out onto the ward and I sat in the armchair and held Jay's hand.
"I love you." I whispered.
"Mmhmm." He mumbled, then he started choking. Choking and coughing on the tube. Will come running over and untapped it, taking it out of his mouth so he could breathe, the tape was already off his eyes. His eyes were rolling and looking around the room. He looked at me and smiled.
"Hello.." I laughed.
"Drink?" He whispered. Will sat his bed up and I got him a cup of water with a straw and let him sip some. He didn't move his hands or arms.
"Take the cup then?" I smiled.
"I can't feel anything.. Erin I can't feel anything. Erin help me. I can't feel anything at all." He was crying and actually shaking but he couldn't feel himself shaking. I smiled and tried to relax him but even holding his hand did nothing because he couldn't feel me there.
"Jay? Can you feel this?" Will smiled. He was touching his feet and legs to see how long it would take before he could feel anything but still he couldn't. Will smiled at me and pointed out the door.
"What's wrong?" I smiled closing the door behind me.
"The shot in his neck has paralyzed him. It might be temporary but it might not be. We will use therapy and physio and mental work and we will support him but I won't be the one working on him because I'm too close to him. I can't treat my own brother." He smiled gently. I just nodded and I'm pretty sure none of what he said went through my head. He went and found Kelly and Hank to tell them what had happened. I went back in and just looked at him and he looked at me and smiled.
"Can you hold my hand please?" He smiled.
"Yeah you know I can." I smiled. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it as my tears kept falling. It wasn't even like he could wipe them for me was it.
"Don't lie. I know something's happened. I can sense it. Your not yourself. Please tell me what's happened to you?"
"What do you mean? I'm fine." I smiled. Just as I said it Kelly come in with Hank.
"I know what happened." Hank sighed.
"Can someone please tell me what happened?" Jay was getting agitated.
"Erin was p-."
"Shut up Hank. Jay don't get angry. I was pregnant. I gave birth at like 16 weeks and she was tiny and she died and it all went wrong. She was a stillborn so it all went pretty wrong. I'm so sorry."
"Erin. Come here, hug me, kiss me, I love you. Don't you dare leave me again. I promise when we get out of here. I will make up to you everything that has happened." He smiled getting tearful. I sighed and went over, sitting on the edge of the bed and resting my head on his chest.
* * *
3 months into intense physiotherapy, electrotherapy, massages and muscle therapy Jay could raised his hands, the feeling was getting better in his fingers but it was tingly. No movement below his ribs though. I was smiling at him, my hands in the air waiting for him, it took a while for him to raise his arms up to my level and high five me.
"Wooo! You did it." I laughed smiling. I held his shaking hands and bought them back down and massaged his hands and arms to relax the muscles.