A/N: heh look it's the quarter quell ;}
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Grace: I need to talk to you.
"Megan?" I scowled at the message stating at me from the lock screen of my phone.
Megan and I had just left the N.S. after my meeting with the Director. The woman is definitely... Ambitious, to say the least. She has this huge vision that I'm pretty sure will have a strong effect on the way the School operates. I don't know if it will be positive or negative.
"Yeah?" My sister replied, tossing me a look in the rearview mirror before returning her eyes to the dark road ahed.
"What did you tell Grace?" I lowered my voice into a faint growl unintentionally.
"That you don't understand how you're feeling and that you both need to be civil and talk. Along with other things, but that's the only part concerning you." She shrugged, ignoring my unnecessarily mean tone.
"How did she take it?"
"She wanted to know how you were doing, if you liked her gift, if you seemed to miss her, if I thought you had feelings for her. She apologized for ignoring my advice. She looked sad. Really sad. Her friends wouldn't let me near her until Tatiana, Marley and Micha told them it was me and not you." Megan shook her head.
"Was she mad? Did she resent me?"
"No. She is hurt and confused, and with good reason, but not mad. She is afraid you'll hurt her again." She sighed, "God, I hope I find someone like her. She is madly, completely, undeniably, utterly, in love with you." The (slightly) older girl cooed in that all too familiar way that gave me this spike of jealously and irritation. She was always swooning over my Grace like she was hers. And it didn't make me feel good.
"Hm..." I huffed, stuffing all the animosity I felt back down my throat so it settled into a grueling monstrosity in the pit of my stomach.
Me: Okay. When? Where? Why?
I knew I was asking her way too many questions at once, but I didn't really care. I wanted to read her voice. I wanted to see her communicate with me as much as I could do I could imagine nothing has changed. Honestly, I was starting to accept her messy feelings... Or at least, I didn't mind them. The ache for her return made the fear of complications wane. I was so desperate for her attention, I just couldn't care less if she loved me. Why does that statement pain me?
Grace: Your house. Because I want closure.
I flinched. Closure. Did that mean she was going to tell me to go away? I didn't like it, but the mere thought of her acting as harshly as I do towards her, towards me... I didn't think I had the capacity for it. This is new and I have no experience protecting myself from... From heartbreak? Is this heartbreak?
Me: Okay. I'll be home soon and we can schedule.
"Zel? Are you okay?" Megan whispered cautiously. I was about to answer when a droplet of clear liquid fell and splattered onto my phone, soaking Grace's words and mine. Ironic. How the two were infinitely separate at the moment, but something so simple as a basic bodily function could remind me that one small thing could make both blur and changed.
"I... No." I mumbled hesitantly. I only admitted to this because I knew Megan could see through me, and she would try to help if I let her. And hell, I needed every bit of help I could get and then some.
"Oh, sweetie..." Megan one fourth pouted, half frowned, and three fourths smiled; her eyes sad and loving.
"She's coming over." I breathed, my voice shaking. I don't know if it made me sad or happy, imagining her walking through my front door again. I knew when we sat to talk, she would distance herself. And it would hurt. When we spoke, she'd be quiet and scared. And it would hurt. She wouldn't kiss me goodbye or hello or just because, and I couldn't kiss her. And it would kill me. She'd be unreachable when all I'd want to do is pull her in and make her her eyes light up again.
"Oh. I hope you don't mind me chaperoning because you really don't have a choice. And we both know Jamine won't let us lock her outside when Grace comes over." Grace's name elicited a sharp pain in my chest again. I was so scared that she would become like Winter. Lost to me. Unspeakable. A secret I kept under lock and key. I wanted... What did I want? I wanted to be publicly protective of her. But I didn't want her in danger because of the risk I brought. If I was public it would be an all or nothing gamble. Keeping her under constant watch to make sure she was safe. And I wouldn't mind. But maybe she would.
"Mm." I hummed simply.
Grace: I'm bringing Micha with me. I need her as a driver.
I crumbled inside. Micha. Of all people.
Me: Okay.
I wasn't happy about it... But I wanted Grace to feel safe and comfortable with me and if it meant ignoring that awful girl for however long Grace was with me, I could cope. If Grace was with me, I'd pay the cost.
If I knew anything about Grace, I knew that she was dying to ask why I was okay with Micha invading my home. She was probably next to her friend now, regardless of which friend it was, showing them the message so they could see how weirdly I was behaving.
Grace: Humor me. Why?
I grinned to myself. I secretly loved it when she interrogated me. Gave me the attention I craved. And her facial expressions were always worth the donation of information. Despite what had happened with Marley and Micha, I truly did trust the wonderful human completely.
Me: Because I want to see you. Circumstances are insubstantial if it means we can talk. I miss you.
I pressed the send button before realizing that my message would anger her; if I cared so much, why would I have rejected her? Why would I miss her if it was my fault she left me? When I... I left her.
Grace: I'll see you later.
...
Soon, Megan and I were pulling into our driveway and I noticed an extra car parked on the side of the road. When I got out, I knew it was them. I could smell her everywhere. I missed that scent.
"Jamine probably let them in." Megan stated as she locked the car behind her. I walked in as quickly as I could without blatantly sprinting, even though I knew Megan realized that I was rushing.
Her scent was everywhere as soon as the door was open. Micha's was there too, but I ignored it. My girlfriend's name just kept echoing and bouncing around my head like a mantra. A heart beat. A rhythm in time with my breathing; my steps; each blink; each inhale; each exhale. Grace, Grace, Grace. She's here. She came here for you.
I heard her voice in the kitchen, humming quiet amusement at whatever the hell Jamine was talking about.
I paused at the point where if I moved any closer, she'd see me.
I breathed in.
I breathed out.
Something inside me was being pulled to her, physically urging me closer. But so was the thought of her.
So I stepped into her view.
God, she was breathtaking. Her eyes widened like she hadn't expected me. I could faintly hear her heart quicken, similarly with her breath. I saw the bluish tint of her under-eyes, the longing and hurt in her state. Images of her bombarded me. Memories of her touch. Her delicious lips and skin. Her resonate moans and laughter. The warmth of her skin; how it shine in dim candlelight when bare. Her familiar scent.
Without my control, I lunged forward and wrapped my arms desperately around her neck, burying my face into her nape out of embarrassment and a desire to be close. I would have wrapped my legs around her too but I was afraid she couldn't hold me up or wouldn't catch me if I fell (although she probably would).
She stood deathly still for an eternity, making my chest hurt and a small whimper burst out of my nose. I hid my face farther into her silky hair.
And then I felt her gentle arms encircle waist, tugging me in closer and nuzzling my neck like nothing had changed. Her deep breathing made me feel like she was trying to memorize, hold onto, and remember my smell, much like I was doing with her. It came to my attention the fact that, even though I had only a vague understand of my feelings for her, I knew I wanted to memorize her; I wanted to recreate her when she was absent or find her in other things because I really didn't like being without her.
"Hazel. Don't do this. Not to yourself, not to Grace." I faintly heard Micha utter quietly. I was irritated by the validity of the statement, yet couldn't bring myself to let go of the human girl. I somehow knew that if I let her go, my arms would remain empty for a long time. I knew they'd be emptied soon anyway, but I wanted to make every moment last. As long as she was mine.
"Hazel?" My name on her tongue again made me shiver, sick of the cold absence of her warmth, and my arms instinctively became even more constrictive, my face burrowed deeper into her fragrant hair.
"Grace." I sighed out, savoring it, emptying my lungs of it, letting it out. Her heart seized at the single word. "Grace," I repeated again, a little stronger, her pulse a little faster. "I missed you." My voice was hardly enough for me to hear, so I was nearly certain that Micha did not. Grace definitely did. I felt her arms put more weight on me, reliant on my support.
"Me too, Zel." She murmured longingly, "but we need to talk."
"I know. Just a little longer. Let me hold you?" I smiled sadly when she squeezed me and returned her head to my nape.
"Hazel..." She whispered, the conflict clear in her voice. I was admittedly jealous. I wanted to be greater than any possible contradiction in Grace's algorithm. I was jealous even though I knew I could not outweigh myself.
"Okay..." I forced myself to let her go. In lazy time, I unwrapped my vise around her neck, removed myself from her hair, stifled the desire to bring her hands with me at least.
Her eyes really drove me mad. I could see their warmth, hurt, sadness, regret, and soul. I didn't like that look of pain directed at me. They were glassy and her eyelashes stuck together. Her skin was reddened and slightly puffy from an onslaught of tears I guessed were akin to mine.
"You were crying?" I asked even though I knew the answer. She smiled weakly, more liquid gathering in the cradles of her eyes. Her hand rose to wipe at them, but it made her flinch when it touched her skin.
"Yeah." She shrugged. "You look tired."
"I am. Why?" Guiltily, I just wanted to hear her say it again.
"Why?" She tried the word with a broken snicker, "I love you, Hazel. And you have no problem letting me know that you don't even like me." She neglected to wipe a wave of tears that fell down her face. My heart jumped at her confession.
"I like you." I immediately defended even though I had no idea what I was really saying. "Don't cry." I stated, taking her face in my hands, stroking her cheeks with my thumbs. "Don't cry." I repeated. She bit her lip and averted her eyes, trying to hold the tears in her throat. "I don't like it when you cry."
"God, you're confusing." She choked out.
"I'm confused." I took a long pause so the words wouldn't bleed. "Do you want to sit down?" She nodded, so I took my hands back to guide her to my favorite spot on the living room couches, half purposefully neglecting Micha.
"Stay?" She looked up at me through watery infuscate irises. I nodded and cautiously sat beside her, close enough for our thighs to be touching lightly.
"Are you mad at me?" I wondered.
"No, Hazel, I'm not. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself, but not you. You just weren't- aren't ready." She put her head on my shoulder and I put my cheek on her scalp.
"Do you still want me? As your girlfriend?"
"Yes. But I know you need time to make sense of yourself..."
"So what are we?"
"We are undefined." She chuckled with both amusement and despair. "Do you want to be something?"
"Do you?"
"I want you to have the time you need. I want to be back with you as soon as you are ready. What about you?"
"I want you to wait for me. I want you. I desperately want you." I ached to kiss her like I had the last time we were together.
"Do you just want to call this a break?"
"What do you mean?" My blood ran cold. Was she going to break up with me? I was close to just kidding her so she wouldn't tell me we're done.
"Still girlfriends... Just... Taking some time to ourselves."
"So you're not going to break up with me?" I held my breath.
"No, Hazel. I still love you, I still want to be with you." She mused quietly. I smiled.
"Good."
"But Hazel?" She added, "please don't... Kiss me as much this time? I-it just confuses me."
"Okay." I accepted it because I'd already heard it, not because I liked it. "Grace?"
"Yes, Hazel?" She nuzzled into my neck. I secretly missed all the other things she'd called me. I liked it when she'd make a slip and call me baby or babe and think it was wrong. It wasn't.
"Can I kiss you now? Once? Please?" I felt her nod against my skin, so I lifted her chin off my shoulder with one hand and drew her lips onto mine. We instantly fell into rhythm, her hands found my hair and I held her face closer. My eyes were the first to shut as I pushed her down, changing my position. I lay her down and straddled her, desperate for her to show me all the love she boasted.
A small moan slipped out of her lips, alerting me that it was time to ease away.
Our lips parted but she brought our foreheads into gentle contact.
"I love you, Hazel." She muttered, her hand still massaging my hair.
"I... I feel something for you, Grace." I smiled at the sound of her heart tripping over itself at my words.
"You have no idea how happy that makes me, baby." She drew in a sharp breath. "Sorry." I chuckled and lowered my lips to her ear.
"Don't be. I enjoy your pet names."
"Oh... Uh, Zel? Please, um, sit up. You're making it hard for me." I opened my eyes to slightly dilated pupils and my hormones began running on overdrive.
"Mhm." I scrambled off to control myself too.
"I, um... I'll see you in school? Don't be afraid to sit with us, you know... I don't mind your company at all and I guess it could help you make sense of everything and- never mind, I'm rambling."
"If you want me to sit with you, I would not refuse." I beamed.
"If it-"
"If you want me to sit with you, I will." I restated, making sure she understood that I was focusing on her.
"That would be amazing." She smiled, blushing. I already missed her.