"I don't like it." I stated as stubbornly and forcefully as I could while I was still hiccuping out little sobs.
"I know that, Hazel. You've told me eight times. But we've been over this. Feelings don't care if you want them or not." Megan rolled her eyes with an unamused look.
"Then how do I get rid of it?! I can get rid of anger, of jealousy, of fear- how the fuck do I get rid of sad?!" I grimaced at the new word on my tongue. I didn't like that word. Sad was a bad thing.
"A) if you've ever gotten rid of jealousy, I'd like to see the evidence because you haven't. B) you can't get rid of sadness unless you fix whatever is making you sad or you get help."
"Help! You! You're help! Fix me!" I moaned, pulling up my covers to stifle the embarrassing sounds of my crying.
"I'm not going to be able to fix this one. You're the one who hurt your girlfriend. You're gonna fix it, or you'll keep being sad." Megan groaned.
"So, if Grace stops being mad at me, I stop being sad?" I tried. How would I fix whatever was making me sad? What was making me sad?! Megan says Grace... What did Grace do to make me sad? Ugh, this is stupid! "Megan, just tell me how to feel better!"
"You have to fix your relationship or you'll keep being sad." Megan sighed, petting my hair again. "Why is your hair soft? Mine is all static." She pouted. I laughed a little, hysterically, in spite of myself.
"So... To not be sad, I have to make Grace fall out of love with me and be back with her?" Another sharp stab to my heart. "Ouch... Fuck... Is sad meant to hurt?"
"Sweetie, I think fixing your problem involves you accepting that Grace is in love with you and that you... You know... Have feelings for her." She said the last part quietly. I sat up.
"What feelings for her? This sad is for her? This is her fault?!" I growled, the pain worsening.
"No! Zel, stop it! None of this is Grace's fault. I meant that not being around her and without her being on good terms with you- that's making you sad." Megan rubbed the bridge of her nose.
"It didn't bother me before we started our relationship. Why is it bothering me now?" I demanded, irritated by not being in control of the stupid emotion.
"Because you're used to her, I guess. I mean, what if I just vanished? Last year, that was your own plan." Megan sighed.
"That's different. You and Grace are different. I was born with you. You saved me. Grace was- is just a flaw in my equations, as you put it." Another pang. God, it's like she was hurting me for everything I was doing to reestablish myself. Like her ghost didn't want me to function normally without her.
"She was a good flaw, Hazel. She loves you, for fuck's sake! Not many people would ever love you like she does. She wanted to help you, she'd taken every hit you'd thrown at her- she would have done more than I had to save you that night. And I think, if she'd've been there, she'd've died before she let anyone ground you or hurt you like Alexa did." Of source she brought that up. Granted, I had instigated, but it was her to place Grace at that nightmare of a past event.
"Then what makes this hit different? Why hasn't she come back for me yet?" I narrowed my eyes. "If she loves me, why isn't she here?"
"Because you rejected her, Hazel. You rejected her feelings for you, you rejected her desire to be close to you; she probably thinks you don't want her to be a part of your life at all." For some reason, each time Megan had me think of what I'd 'rejected', there was a hammering blow to my heart for each offense. "You betrayed her, Hazel. She thought you had some romantic feelings for her in return and you beyond broke her expectations- you acted like for however much she loved you, you hated her for it. You have to at least see how that could hurt someone!"
"I wasn't going to lie! I don't have feelings for her! Leading her on would have been wrong." I snapped, falling back down and pulling the covers over my shoulders defensively.
"Hazel, what am I to do with you?" She sighed. "Okay. Step one is to get you two back together happily. Two is to get it through your thick skull that you may have feelings for her. Third, I need you to get a handle on your different romantic emotions."
"I don't have any romantic emotions. I don't have feelings for her. I especially don't have romantic feelings for her." I groaned. How many times would I say it before she got the point?
"So you've never felt anything for her? Nothing? Not even physically?" She narrowed her eyes.
"Physically, yes."
"Being sad hurts right? Physically makes you hurt?" She sighed. I nodded skeptically. "So what makes you thing that those physical things aren't signs of emotions you have for her? I mean, I know as a fact you don't get butterflies from me, and you do get them for her." She smirked lightly. I resisted the urge to growl. She'd explained to me what the semi-nauseous twisting feeling in my gut was very early in my relationship with Grace. And of course, Megan only remembers what she can use.
"I think I would know if I was getting too close to Grace." I snapped back.
"Too close? Hazel, if I'd found my soulmate, I'd be happy being closer than their skin to them. What's it going to take to make you realize that you have feelings for her?!" She hissed out frustratedly. She could get unusually touchy about the whole soulmates deal. Personally, I didn't understand the appeal. I mean, I saw the appeal in Grace, but not in soulmates in general.
"Whatever. Just help me not be sad."
"Well, do you want to be happy, or just not sad?"
"That's a stupid question. They're the same."
"Not at all. Not sad is okay. Happy is Grace." My heart ached and fluttered at the idea of her close to me again. I would have very much preferred her here with me, even if she didn't speak, even if she were no more than a mirage mass of nothingness, I think it would have still lightened the weight off my chest if she were here.
"Where's my cat?" I distracted her, suddenly realizing that my cat had been taken away from me. I narrowed my eyes and scrutinized every surrounding lump on my bed to see if any were cat shaped.
"Here. I put it on your nightstand when you took a nap." Megan sighed, reaching over and passing me my cat. I hugged it again and birthed my nose in it. It smelled like Grace. "What else did she get you?" She let her talk with me slide for now, (I knew it would return soon,) and eyed the plushy with a sad sort of regretful longing. Like she missed my Grace more than I did. She, of course, could not have. Even if I'd had no feelings for Grace whatsoever, I still desired her to be back in my space (which I consider a form of missing her). And Grace wouldn't miss Megan as much as me. I didn't care for the selfishness of the belief, only the fact that Grace loved me and only me and I was important to her. She was, I suppose, vital- no, valuable to me as well, but I think her love for me vastly outweighed my emotions for her.
"A book. A joke book. A bar of chocolate." I drew the covers of my bed closer to Megan and I, unusually cold. Part of me willed admittance to the ridiculous notion that I was simply cold; I was deprived of Grace's warmth exclusively. As if, rather than my thermal energy being siphoned, I was desperate to steal the heat from Grace and only Grace. Had I described that to her I'm sure it would have made her smile (though I lack any logical explanation as to how I knew she would, nor why she would have smiled at it).
Megan made a sad whining sound as if she was the one aching. Which, in my view, is complete idiocy. Megan wasn't as close as I was to Grace, and therefore had no reason to be hurt. No reason aside from me, she'd have me believe. I didn't understand the concept, but if realized that Megan's inner workings often process in ways alien to me, yet may yield valid results (by her standards).
"She really cares about you, Zel." Megan stated redundantly.
"You've yet to not mention how much she cares." I groaned as her words made my chest crack. "Ow. Why isn't it stopping?!" I moaned, curling into a loose ball around my cat, wincing at the painful stretching of my wounds and the dried blood yanking every hair that grew around the seam.
"What am I to do with you?" Megan added under her breath. "Tomorrow you're going back to school. Talk with Grace if she's ready. Do not initiate any romantic advances. Just talk." She stressed. A part of me was unhappy (a larger part than I would have liked). I wanted to kiss Grace again. I wanted to do more to her. I wanted to make sure everyone knew that the assortment of marks I'd left on her skin were left by me- that she was taken by me (in just about every sense of the word). That was not possible, even if we were still to be on good terms.
"Hazel!" Megan snapped boredly. "You're not going to be giving or receiving any kisses or else for a while, so get the idea out if your head." She chided, seeing right past my irritated look and into the little fantasies in my head.
"Whatever." I growled. She rolled her eyes. She knew full well that I'd taken her directions, but she'd never liked my wag of showing my acceptance.
"I mean it, Zel. Just talk. Don't negotiate a resolution yet, just tell her what is happening with you." She added.
"What's it matter?" I sighed.
"It's too early for you to be trying to get back together. Give yourselves time."
"Ugh. How much time will we need?" I'd've liked to have bed spend another night (or just spend any physical affections on me) again as soon as possible. I wanted my girlfriend back.
"Depends on how quickly you figure out your feelings and convince her to come back to you."
"Kissing her worked before." I muttered indignantly under my breath.
"First, your tactics had to have been the stupidest possible way of getting a girlfriend short of being a man-lover, second, that was before she fell in love with you and before you broke her heart."
"But I want to kiss her." I also added, just to maintain character. And I found it amusing how Megan came up with retorts. It kind of made the sad in my chest pull and stretch between okay and more sad.
"Well, idiot, you should have thought of that before you screwed up." She sighed deeply.
"She's my girlfriend." I added, pursing my lips. What would she think about my formal relationship with the human girl now?
"I think that won't account for much now. And I'm sorry, Zel, but I'd start mentally preparing myself for a break up." A lump rose in my throat.
"Break up what?" My voice faltered bespoke my trying to keep calm. I could feel the dull ache of sadness pounding at my heart like it was trying to chisel it to the beat of my blood.
"You and Grace..." She gave me this starry-eyed, very emotionally pained look. Suddenly I had trouble breathing and the ache pounded with infinitely more power.
"Ow." I started to get the feeling of my eyes prickling up with tears again. The pressure inside me rose again. I clawed weakly at my throat, my muscles there had contracted so much that I could hardly even make a pained sob or gasp.
"Aww, Zel..." Megan whimpered and pulled me close. My arms instinctively wrapped around her shoulders from underneath and hers constricted around my waist. I hurried my face into the crook of her neck, biting my lip to try and keep myself silent. God, did I want her back. I wanted to hold her. And while Megan was comforting and familiar and I did have a connection to her, she wasn't my Grace.
"Megan?" I choked. She put her chin on my shoulder comfortingly and exhaled. "I-I think- I-I'm gay..." She chuckled softly, bringing me even closer. I also loosed a maniacal, strained, gravelly laugh.
**hey all! Sorry for the slow updates... Just been dealing with some more stuff lately and it's becoming increasingly rare that I have inspiration or motivation to write... But I hope you enjoy what I can give