WARNING: MAY INCLUDE SENSITIVE CONTENT...
VERY VERY IMPORTANT! DON'T MISS THIS CHAPTER.
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That cold night, Li Yan sat on a rock by the lake and felled into deep thought. His heart was in a terrible mess. In his last life, he messed up everything because of his arrogance. He lost his beloveds one by one forth his own eyes.
His parents died. Xi Jiu died. Zhangsun died. Shendu died. Even Minghe died. He could not save even one of them... And those whom he trusted with his life betrayed him at the end. He felt so frustrated.
Yes. He shared the memories of his previous life. No one would have believed it. He still remembered everything clearly.
In his previous life, everyone thought he was ruthless. Only he knew what burdens he bore.
He knew when exactly the already chaotic relationship between him and Shen Nuo shattered. That was the day Li Yan prisoned Zhanhua...
Zhanhua used to be a devoted official in the court who loved his people and the country. Li Yan used to trust him. But with time, Zhanhua slowly changed after gradually learning his true identity and became too wilful.
Li Yan caught the change sooner. At first he was too confused. But later he knew it was not for good. He warned Zhanhua for several times. He endured it until the moment he got to know that Zhanhua was secretly communicating with Xian Yan and plotting to weaken the state's power of Li Yang...
Li Yan was infuriated. He was the Emperor of Li Yang. The safety of his empire mattered him the most. So he immediately arrested him. But still he didn't announce Zhanhua's true identity to Li Yang. To Li Yang, Zhanhua was their biggest enemy.
Though Zhanhua already had agents amid the ministers who secretly helped him, yet the majority was still those who were loyal to Li Yan. If by any means it was revealed Zhanhua was the Crown Prince of the enemy state, Li Yan would be forced to kill him.
With all Zhanhua's faults, Li Yan still did not want to kill him. He wanted to give Zhanhua a second chance for his mistakes. Because once he used to serve him wholeheartedly.
But he couldn't release Zhanhua in fear he would do something rebellious. So taking Zhanhua's relationship with Shen Nuo as a reason, Li Yan continued to prison Zhanhua meanwhile silently clearing the rebellious agents inside the court one by one.
Shen Nuo did not know what was happening from beneath. He only saw Li Yan's strong hate towards Zhanhua... He went almost crazy the day he got to know that the Emperor personally killed Zhanhua at the prison.
But what actually happened was Li Yan faked the death of Zhanhua and set him free. For the sake of all the services Zhanhua had done to him, he asked Zhangsun to personally escort Zhanhua out of Li Yang in secret.
That cold night, Zhanhua repeatedly thanked Li Yan and said that he would flee back to his mother country and would never be a threat to Li Yang.
Li Yan believed him... So he set him free. This truth, he couldn't even reveal to Shen Nuo. This was a secret regarding two states. He cannot reveal it as he wished. But it only made things worse for him. Shen Nuo's hate towards him became more and more visible.
But Li Yan still loved Shen Nuo like before. He did not know how to show it. Everytime he went to Shen Nuo, Shen Nuo would look at him coldly and those eyes had hate. Li Yan stopped visiting him after that.
Even when Shen Nuo got framed for Minghe's death, Li Yan tried to keep him alive in the prisons at the dungeons because it was the only choice. That was the only place that was prohibited to any except the Emperor. He prisoned him there because he did not want Shen Nuo to die. If Shen Nuo was to be prisoned in the Cold Palace or somewhere else, he would have long died.
But Shen Nuo never knew. He did not know that was the only way he can be alive... He only hated Li Yan...
Back then when Shen Nuo was framed for Minghe's assassination, Li Yan already knew it wasn't his doing. But there was no proof for him to prove it. The entire Court went against Shen Nuo and the General's Manor. He was not only a husband. He was the ruler of a state. He couldn't give priority to his feelings when his entire Court was against him.
Li Yan back then, felt how miserable he himself was. He released his imperial decree asking for Shen Nuo to be prisoned. He found excuses and dragged Shen Nuo's life forcefully for ten years long. Killing the Crown Prince of a state was the most unforgivable crime that ever existed in Li Yang. But still he protected Shen Nuo just like that.
And amid that, he still did not want to let Shen Nuo go for killing his parents and sister. His former Empress who was the biological mother of Minghe was also killed because of Shen Nuo. Wasn't it the perfect time for revenge? But Li Yan couldn't no matter how hard he tried.
He loved Shen Nuo. He also hated Shen Nuo. He was obsessed with Shen Nuo. He was also mad at him. He did not know how to manage his emotions at all.
He was the Emperor but still so what? He was also human. He also felt happiness and sorrow. He also had blood running through him. He also breathed like other did. Was his heart made of stones? How could not he feel pain when he knew his parents were killed? But he was not muddle headed.
He knew what was happening next. Since the frame felled onto Shen Nuo, he knew the punishment would next fall onto Shen Nuo's family. Li Yan's parents died so Li Yan knew how painful it was. He didn't want Shen Nuo to go through the same pain though they were the reason for their death.
So Li Yan immediately ordered his secret agents to move the General's family to a safer spot in secret.
Then he ordered to the public to burn the General's Manor thinking it was empty. That was the idea of the entire Court according to the customs and he just implemented it. But he really did not know what went wrong. For some reason when he burned the Manor, the family was still there... They all died...
Li Yan was shocked. When Shen Nuo heard the news, his mentality collapsed completely. From that day onwards Shen Nuo became a lunatic. There wasn't a single day that he was in his senses. And rarely when he was, he would stare out of the high window and silent cry.
Li Yan watched Shen Nuo's health deteriorate day by day and could do nothing. The shock was too much for Li Yan. How many people more were going to die? He did not know.
There were numerous times he had wanted to flee with Shen Nuo and live a contented ordinary life. But he was unfortunate enough to be the Emperor. He was born to bear the burdens. Why was it only him when there were millions of ordinary people in the world?
At times he thought he was the most unlucky person in this world. He did not know what sins he had committed to claim the throne. Who said the throne is glorious and majestic? It was only a double edged lance. Definitely not something with which you can recklessly play. The word Emperor was written with blood. The one who bears the crown will have to bear the weight of it too.
He hated the throne than he hated himself but he just didn't have the heart to give the throne up. It was his late father's last wish if he could be a good Emperor to the state oneday.
But now it was too late even to flee. He couldn't save Shen Nuo. Then the only thing he could do was to avenge for Shen Nuo...
When thinking about that past, Li Yan felt distressed. He loved Minghe much. He couldn't bear the shock after Minghe died. After the assassination happened, Empress Qing died misteriously. But no one knew it was Li Yan who killed her.
Li Yan was completely turned into a lunatic by Minghe's death. That was the start of everything. That was the start of his nightmares. The Empress never cared for Minghe's life and took him as a chess piece for her to assure her position.
If she had been careful enough, Minghe wouldn't have died. So he fed her viper venom and killed her. Then Li Yan closed the case and prohibited investigations from being carried out further.
He then personally investigated the murder of Minghe for eight years until he finally found out that the murder was done by Consort Lian. He couldn't stop his tears. He brought her to the Palace only because she looked like Empress Xi Jiu. He believed Consort Lian could be a good mother to Minghe. But it turned out to be that he had been wrong even from the beginning...
He remembered like now, that day, he didn't wait even for a moment. He released his imperial decree and married her as his official Empress. He had sex with her all that night until she got pregnant.
She was so happy. She might have thought that the future throne would be finally her's. But Li Yan patiently waited for seven months long until her belly grew big. Then he mercilessly added child abortion pills into her meals and killed his own child, even before the child was born.
Yeah, others might think Li Yan was a lunatic if they knew what he had done. But he only wanted to give her the same medicine she gave to others. That was the punishment he gave her for what she did. She killed an innocent child. She never regretted killing Minghe. Li Yan made her go through the same suffering and made her watch her own child die even before he was born...
He did not want to kill Consort Lian because he wanted to make her live a life worse than death... Since Li Yan couldn't help Shen Nuo get his frame cleared, that was the way he avenged for him...
But Shen Nuo never knew. He only hated Li Yan. He never had a happy moment in his life after Minghe's death. After he heard that Li Yan burned his manor and the family into ashes, he felt sick and did not recover. For ten years he suffered in that prison. He wanted to die numerous times but Li Yan didn't let him...
Shen Nuo thought it was because Li Yan hated him, because Li Yan wanted to torture him and avenge for Minghe's death. But he never knew it was because Li Yan loved him and couldn't bear to kill him.
So for ten years, Li Yan only saw Shen Nuo suffer. He was not the Shen Nuo he used to be anymore.
Consort Lian obviously did not know her child was killed by the Emperor. The moment she got to know her child was lost, she took the chance to frame Shen Nuo again. As long as Shen Nuo was alive, she knew she would not stand a chance even if she was the Empress.
Amid these chaos, Li Yan suddenly got the news that the new Emperor of Xian Yan was attacking Li Yang. Zhanhua had betrayed him... Shendu who tried to stop the attack, was killed at the Northern Border Fortress.
Zhanhua was well aware that once the most important pillar of the border was fallen, the rest would be very easy... Li Yan was drunk for days. He hated the throne so much. He only saw himself loosing everything one by one. He was here because he trusted too much but it was too late even to regret. He knew he didn't not have much time.
Day by day he only got the news of his cities getting marraced and wiped out by the Xian Yan armies. They were gradually gaining the Capital. Li Yan could do nothing at all. It turned out to be that he was a looser. His state's powers were already at chaos. Shendu died so there was no one take the military power.
Six days later, two unidentified dead bodies were sent to the Capital in a cart. They were ripped beyond recognition. Li Yan grasped the two pale and blood drenched hands for a long time, silently. His face was emotionless as he looked at the scar of a sword slit across the pale palm of the hand he was holding. This hand was Shendu's.
This scar happened because of Li Yan. Ten years aback, during a rebel, he risked his life to shield a terrifying sword attack directed towards Li Yan.
Tears left Li Yan's pale expressionless face continuously. He tilted his head to look at the other hand. It had long and slender fingers that were very familiar.
The owner of this hand was the person who protected him day and night. He was the person who always called him when he was late for the meals. He was the person who followed him everywhere like his shadow... Zhangsun...
Li Yan felt as if his both left and right arms were ripped off. These two used to be his most trusted aids even in the darkest nightmares of his life. But now they all were ... dead...
Li Yan did not know whether he would be able to repay them what he owed them even in his next life. He owed them that much... He gulped.
But he did not order his already scattered armies to fight against Xian Yan battalions. He knew his army was less. It would only increase the blood bath. He was very tired. He was weary. Now he only wanted to rest. He wanted to close his eyes to never open them again.
The numerous sufferings he went through taught him how much painful it was to live a life worse than death. Could it be that Shen Nuo was also feeling this pain like him? Shen Nuo lost everything too. It had to be... He had to be feeling this same pain...
Li Yan finally realized that he was hurting Shen Nuo more worse than death by keeping him alive. So Li Yan took it as a good opportunity to end Shen Nuo's life. Taking the fake frame of killing Consort Lian's child as a chance, Li Yan fed Shen Nuo poison and killed him with his own hands. He finally let go of his obsession and set Shen Nuo free.
He remembered that moment like now. He sat beside Shen Nuo's bed where he was lying weakly. Shen Nuo was sick for months and was very weak. That sickness though treated, never got cured.
Li Yan silently pulled out a phial off his sleeve pocket and stuffed the mortal poison into his own mouth. He then lowered himself to Shen Nuo's face and kissed those lips with his.
Shen Nuo was forced to drink the poison. He must have been in so much pain and suffering. He didn't struggle. He silently drank all what he was given. He only wanted to die now. Perhaps he was too muddle headed to realize that Li Yan had carried the poison in his mouth even before it was given to him. He must have been too weak and unconcious to realize that Li Yan was poisoned too.
That evening, Li Yan continued to kiss him for a long time even after having the poison passed fully. This was the first time he kissed Shen Nuo after getting married.
He kissed him for a long time carefully but thirstily. His cold tears repeatedly felled down Shen Nuo's lifeless and pale face until his cheeks were drenched.
But Shen Nuo never knew.
Li Yan did not wait to see Shen Nuo die infront of his eyes. He locked himself inside his own room and awaited his own death. The poison was strong. He drank more than he gave to Shen Nuo. It was a stabbing pain like the internal organs getting crushed and ripped.
But amid the pain and blood that continually left his lips, he weakly gave out a painful frozen smile and died. He died before Shen Nuo though Shen Nuo did not know it. Li Yan's only wish back then was if he could go back in time...
It was all his fault even from the beginning. He was too thick faced and cold blooded. He was too arrogant back then which made him loose so much in his life.
But he did not expect to revive again, into his life just ten years before the calamity. He knew everything that would happen. He knew his son is going to be murdered. He knew Shen Nuo is going to be framed. He knew Zhanhua is going to betray him.
But only he knew. Only he was left to bear those painful memories again. What should he do? His heart was in a mess.
He took a deep breath. His moist eyes were narrowed in sorrow though his face was cold than ever. The wound at the back of his shoulder ached in the cold with a piercing pain. He passed his hand back over the shoulder and massaged it himself, only to feel wet. Drawing back his hand, he saw blood... He pursed his thin and cold lips silently.
He was given a chance to revive back so he would not repeat the same mistake again... He would not let Minghe die, he would not let Shen Nuo get framed. He would not let Zhanhua betray him...
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Those who still hate Li Yan 👉
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