Tears of happiness or sadness
6 hours... 6 fucking hours I was on that hospital bed pushing and nothing I think I shat myself which they said is normal but that's about it. Malik was by my side for every second of it except for leaving to give my dad updates. It's 4 in the morning and in still pushing.
"what's wrong with me." i cry out once they let me breathe. No one answered my question probably thinking the drugs have gotten into my head but I'm being very fucking serious. An annoying sounding beep was loud and obnoxious and needed to shut up. I look towards the origin of the sounds to see that my fetal heart monitor was going crazy the lines were so squiggly they basically look straight but vertically.
"what's going on...whats going on with my baby." i ask my heart raising in concern and my hand tightening around maliks. They turn the monitor way from me turning down the sound of the beeping. "the babys in distress and most likely stuck in your cervical canal were going to have to do emergency C-section."
I look at Malik pure horror in my eyes as my chest rose and fell in concern horror and stress. Malik looked calm to the point it was concerning. His daughters life is in serious danger and he's so calm.
"sir if your staying in the room were going to need you to change." one of the nurses hands Malik a blue overall a mask and because Malik already had a durag on there was no need for a hair net for him. He steps into the overall and puts the mask on as the doctors buts a drape over the bed so I couldn't see below my chest.
He comes to my side so he can't see my lower body either. He hold onto my hand as the nurse pumps some type of drug into my iv that numbs the bottom half of my body. In matter of minutes they get to work with the C-section.
"m-malik I'm freaking out." i say as I start to panic. "it's ok aiko I'm with you OK look at me don't think about it." he kisses my hand through my mask. "what we gonna name her." he says clearly as a distraction. We've talked about names be neither of us could think of any good names.
"Blakelyn Zuri Booker." i say but this time the drugs have gone to my head. My vision was foggy and Malik voice seemed from afar and slow and I felt so bad like I was having an outer body experience and for the whole time Malik was by my side distracting me."OK she out mother." the nurse says lifting my daughter over the drape to show me my daughter.
I want to say that she was beautiful but she looked like a big piece of sperm. She had a full head of hair that was slicked down and covered in white stuff with the rest of her body. She looked squashed and red and looked like someone spilt white paint over her.
The nurses give us a look of horror before rushing around saying a bunch of shit I didn't understand one nurse was giving me my stitches whilst 3 other put a pump in my daughter mouth pumping air into it before she started crying.
It didn't last long before the nurses rushed her out of the room not giving us a single bit of information causing me to cry in fear and a concern look on Malik face
The nurse who's just finished my stitches starts to talk. "due to the complications you faced you are required to stay in hospital for 4 days. We'll give you pain killer twice everyday for the day make sure to clean with warm water and dry properly to help risks of infections. Don't have sex, drive, excersice or carry anythinf heavier then a baby for 6 weeks and after 6 weeks and it's still uncomfortable so not do any of the activities mentioned."
She gives us a small sympathetic smiles."what's wrong with my baby." i say tears welling in my eyes. "i don't know all I know is she's going to be in a good hands with the doctors and they'll update you with information once they figure it out."
She gives us another sympathetic smile before leaving. I hold onto my non pregnant stomach as heavy tears flow non stop out of my eyes and Malik gives me a gentle side hug.
"this is all my fault." i cry out my hands shaking and my breathing unsteadying. "this is not your fault Aiko." he strokes my matted hair. "we don't know what's wrong with her so all we can do is wait OK. And I'll be with you every step of the way but please Aiko don't blame yourself for this you've tried your best and you don't know if this is caused by lack of nutritions."
He wipes away my tears but they fall down my face non stop. He let's go of my hand sitting on a chair pulling his head into his hands.
After 2 hours of waiting in pure silence a male doctors walks in."sorry for just taking your daughter like that but um when she was born she was not breathing so what you saw them do was resuscitate her we had to repeat that several times before she was stable enough. She is currently on oxygen tank and has had her x-ray taken and the cause of her early birth, her distress in the womb and the reason she was not breathing when she was born was because she was born with a hole in her heart."
My body freezes. Panic runs through my body before I burst into tears once again."what she has is something called atrial septal defect so she has a whole in the wall that divided the atria in her heart it's rare for it's to happen when a baby has a small hole but your daughter has a very big hole in her heart which has left no space for her atria which is very very rare so as soon as your daughter is stable enough with the oxygen take we are going to go straight into the surgery."
"what does the surgery do." Malik asks his eyes glossy. "we close the whole in her heart using a catheter based repair so it's a thin flexible tube that we insert into a blood vessel and guide it to her heart then because her whole is quite big were are gonna expand the catheter so it fits nicely."
Malik nods dropping his head low."a-and the survival rates." i wanted to ask questions to buy I was numb this was all my fault I felt numb inside and out thanks to the meds my face was neutral but tears spilled our my eyes anyways. "because she's premature and so small and shes struggling to breathe in her own the survival rate is 50/50." i hear Malik let out a sob and I felt even worse my daughter doesn't deserve Malik doesn't deserve this and its all my fault.
I have to be better from now on better stronger and more closed off I need to be able to protect my daughter and make sure nothing like this happens again I need to be better for me for my daughter for the rest of my unborn children.
I felt like shit my heart was racing for my daughter my eyes were spilling tears because of my daughter. I would do anything for my daughter even giving her my own heart so she didn't have to struggle. God I don't want to see her struggling. Struggling to breathe with a whole in her heart I hate it I hate it so much. She has 50% chance of living. She deserves to live her life she's so pure and innocent and it's shocking someone like her could have a fraction of me in them.
I quit the hard core drugs but I still drink I still smoke cigs and weed occasionally. And I've recently got into the feeling of sniffing xanax but that has to fucking stop. I need to live for my daughter for me for Aiko. I don't want my daughter to be raised around someone like me. It all needs to stop all of it.
And it will...