Why does just looking at him make me feel like this? I lose all control around him, I forget every ounce of pain whenever my eyes meet his.
“Can we talk?” His muffled voice comes through the glass. I quickly undo all the locks, letting him slide inside.
Things have never really been awkward with us, one of the things I appreciated most about him from the moment we met is how comfortable I always was, but now there's a tension. It’s neither of our fault, it's not like we expected to be in this position.
“Do you want a coffee or something?” He nods, I point to one of the couches to make him sit down and quickly turn back on my machines. I honestly don’t know what this talk is going to be, I’m trying to read his eyes but I just can’t. He’s confused, and I can’t blame him.
Kage made me coffee so many times when we were in Italy, but as I stand staring at the mugs, I realise I’ve never made him one. “How do you take it?”
“Black, and sweet.” Just like you.
Not now, May.
Sitting down on the couch across from him, it feels so fucking weird. Even before anything happened between us, we’d always sit together, we'd always be touching one way or another. I want to touch him, I still want to make sure he’s real, but he isn’t even looking at me. He’s taking in this place, he's looking up to the ceiling knowing our son is sleeping above it.
Okay, whatever he decides, I’ll accept it. I need to let go of the childish fantasy.
“I want to apologise first, I shouldn’t have lost my cool like that.” That’s hilarious, that’s him losing his cool? That level of anger is what you get out of me when someone hangs the toilet paper the wrong way.
People who pull from the back need to get their heads looked at.
“Don’t be sorry, I think you’re taking this pretty well, all things considered.” He smiles slightly, taking a sip of his coffee.
“Wow... is your food as good as this?”
“My food is better.” I smirk into my own mug of fucking de-caff. Devil juice. The day that kid gives me my boobs back, is the day I start snorting espresso beans.
“I didn’t even know you could cook... Guess there’s a lot of things I didn’t know.” I didn’t tell him anything. I never made him food, he doesn't know my favourite song or what I’m allergic to. Everything with us was instinctual, built on our connection, but nothing more.
“Ask me anything. I promise you, I’ll answer it.” He finally lifts his eyes to look at me, and my breath stops in my throat. It’s been two years, but he’s exactly the same; the tattoos slowly creeping up his neck now, his arms firmer, his scars dominant yet sexy, but everything else about him, it still makes me weak.
“So your name is May?”
“Technically, it’s Maybelline, but only call me that if you want me to hit you.” He shakes his head with a smile, even now he can't help smiling. “What about you?” He squishes his eyebrows together. “I mean, I know you’re Kage, but I’m guessing it’s not like Cher, there must be a bit more than that.”
“Johnson.” He chuckles. “Kage Jerone Johnson. Jerone was my Grandfather’s name, and my dad’s, but everybody called him Jimmy.” Look at us, learning. “Want to explain to me how you got an NBA star to babysit?” I burst out laughing.
“Jesus, please tell me you’re not a fan, he’ll fucking live off that for weeks.” That fucking boy survives for the attention, especially if it makes Josh all possessive. “Milo and Jayce, they’re my brothers.” His jaw hits the floor.
I swear to fucking God, if he had one of them on a poster on his wall, then I’m calling this whole thing off.
“Your... Really?” I nod and smile. “How the fuck did that not come up?” We both burst out laughing, him relaxing into the couch on one side, me drawing my knees up to my chest on the other, and just smiling back at him. “I can’t believe you’re Milo Thompson’s sister... I mean this in the nicest possible way... but how are you... and he’s...”
Ah yes, how am I the chocolate to his milkshake? That fucker wishes he could have my melanin royalty flowing in his veins.
“Same dad, different moms. We didn’t find out about each other until I was four, before that it was just me and Brie.” He nods. “We’ve got different dads too, although hers is a much bigger story than mine.” He nods again, he keeps doing that, like he just needs a second to process this, and I’m not surprised.
Wait until I properly explain the whole ‘my brother and sister are dating two brothers, but they’re not actually brother and sister to each other’ situation. Oh, or the ‘My one brother is married to his brother’s sister’ situation. Or better, the ‘My Dad is just the non-official-husband of the woman my birth father cheated on with my mother and had me, now I call her Mama’ situation.
This family is way too fucking incestuous.
“I’m glad you have them... that you haven’t been doing this on your own.” The giant elephant tips his circus hat from the corner of the room, we have to talk about this.
“He's yours, Kage. I wouldn’t let anyone else step into that role. We can get tests done or something if you want, but one look at his eyes should tell you tha-”
“I know he’s mine, I felt it the moment I saw him.” Thank fuck. “That’s not even what I’ve been thinking about, I just...” He looks around the cafe. “You’ve really got your shit together, I only saw him for a minute and I could see how loved he is. I don’t know where I fit in, I don’t know if I even do fit in... He doesn’t know who I am.”
“Yes he does... You’re in every story I’ve ever told him, you’re always the hero, the knight that saves the damsel, the warrior that saves the world. I’ve told that kid stories every night, and you've been in every single one of them, Kage.” His face lights up. “I didn’t think he’d ever get to meet you, but he was going to know you, I made sure of that.”
My eyes fill with tears, mostly because I can see his doing the same thing. Did he honestly think I’d just forget about him? That I'd let our son grow up not knowing what an amazing person his father was?
“Can I...” He rubs his hands under his eyes, and I have to dig my nails into my thighs to stop me reaching across and taking him into my arms. He’s not ready. “Can I see him?”
Yes, please.
We get up silently, for every step I take upstairs with him behind me, I can feel his whole aura wrapping around my body.
No, May, that’s not what he needs right now.
The kids are all still fast asleep when we go in, tiptoeing as quietly as we can until we're both standing next to his crib. It’s surreal, when I woke up this morning, I never could’ve imagined I’d be standing here right now, next to him, watching him look at the tiny life we created together.
Teal’s fingers wrap around his blanket, smiling in his sleep like he has since he was born. He’s always smiling, can’t imagine where he gets it from.
“He's perfect.” Yeah, he is.
Heather turns over, Liam wincing in pain but not waking up when she boots him straight in the shin. Kage doesn’t even notice, completely mesmerised.
I reach as gently as I can under his pillow, the photograph that used to break my heart now looking the furthest thing from scary as I hand it to him.
“I put that in his crib the day he was born, he’s never slept without it.” Kage looks at the photograph of himself, worn and frayed now, but still a lasting memory. I stroke my fingers over Teal’s blanket, Kage tilting his head slightly before it hits him what it's made of.
“Is that my...”
“It was all I had, I wanted him to have something of you always.” It was the first thing he ever felt against his skin that wasn’t my arms.
Kage floods with tears, so do I, everything he never knew he wanted in front of him.
We stand in silence, just watching him sleep, before finally stepping back into the living room. I can’t take it anymore, watching his heartbreak with every memory he’ll never get to build, until I wrap my arms around his neck and just hold him.
I wait for him to push me away, but he doesn’t, he just winds his arms around my waist and holds me back.
“I can’t believe I’ve missed so much...”
“I’m sorry... but you still have so much time left, if you want it.” They can build a whole world of memories together, that’s all I want for both of them. “But there’s no pressure, whatever you want to do, whatever pace you want to take this. I know it’s a lot but-”
“I want it. Whatever I have to do, however slow he needs me to be, I want to be a part of his life.” He pulls back from me, my arms still around his neck, his still around my waist, back in the same position we were right before I got to kiss him again.
We both still have so many questions, so much to answer; I don’t know how he found me, or how he survived, I don’t even know how far he came to be here, but I don’t fucking care. I just want him here.
“Then be part of it, we'll make it work.” Whatever it takes.
“Thank you.” His fingertips flow up my spine, shooting tingles and sparks flying through my nervous system, threatening to make me weep with relief when I feel no fear.
I’m not as scared as I used to be, my nightmares aren’t as frequent, I already lived them in my real life, but I’m still not great with being touched.
However, my body isn’t afraid of him, it never has been. That's his power.
His eyes drop to my lips, mine to his, but there's a barrier. We can both feel it, I just don’t know how strong it is on his side.
“What about us-”
“I should probably go, I don’t want to wake him.” He’s not ready yet, he might never be, and I’ve got to accept that. This isn’t about me, this isn’t about us.
We pull away from each other, the fiery warmth replaced by a cooling chill.
“Are you staying somewhere? The couch isn’t comfortable here, but you’re more than welcome to it.” I’ll just get battered by Heather and spoon Liam.
“Wow, feels like only yesterday I was the one offering you my couch, Shorty.” Stop making me smile, it's becoming impossible not to fucking kiss you. “I’m at the B&B on the corner, they only had two nights available, but I’ll sort something out after that. I’ll call and cancel my shows so I can-” No.
“You don't have to do that. We’ll work around-”
“I want to.” He states firmly. “I’m not going to disappear on him again, I want to be here, he won't be able to get to know me if he never gets to see me.” He’s already got this parenting thing down, I should’ve known he’d be a natural.
“Okay, but you don’t have to put your life on hold. We aren’t going anywhere, trust me.”
“May,” Oh fuck, my name in his voice trickles down my spine like warm oil, soothing and warming my soul, only getting worse when he reaches out and takes my face in his hands. “He is my life now. The moment I found out who he was, he became my entire life. I haven’t fallen this instantly in love with someone since...” Since?
He shakes his head, fighting back the words, before placing his lips right on top of my crown. Damn it, Ocean Eyes, why do you have to do this to my heart?
“I want to be here, I want to learn everything about him, so I can spend the rest of his life making up for the last fourteen months. I can’t promise I’ll be any good at it, I’m absolutely shit at changing nappies, I put half my nephew’s onesies on backwards, and most of the time when I feed him I get more food on me than I do in his mouth, but I’m going to try with everything I have to do this right.” Stop being perfect, fucking stop it.
His hands fall, but our eye contact doesn’t, both of us having to step away from each other when the tension grows to boiling point. This conversation, it’s not one for today... but maybe tomorrow.
“Just come over, whenever you want. He’s always with me, unless Josh is here, then I don’t get a look in.” That man is not going to be happy, he likes to consider himself Teal’s surrogate dad. “It’s delivery day tomorrow, which means I open up an hour later, so I always take Teal for a walk in the park first. If you get here by nine, you can come with us?”
“I’ll be here.”
There’s nothing more either of us can do tonight, so I follow him down, watching him walk out into the darkness of Westbrooke from behind the window.
Today has been... I need gin. Vodka. Maybe even a little of that bathtub whiskey Charlie is always talking about.
However, when I get back upstairs and go to check on them all, I realise every relief I need from my life is right here. Teal fast asleep, only smiling further when I tickle my fingers over his cheek.
“When you wake up... you're going to meet your dad.”