Jesus Christ, today has been a long day.
“Sure you’re okay to walk them back, Princess? Uncle Milo or Uncle Josh will drive you if you want.” Leah kisses Heather’s head as she wrangles her two tiny demons.
Siblings, I mean siblings.
No I don’t.
“It’s fine, maybe the walk will exhaust them and we can all get some sleep tonight.” That girl, putting the whole world before herself.
“Where would I be without you?” Lost, you’d be lost without her.
Leah kisses all three of her children again, but all I can see is how exhausted her daughter is. “It’s an emergency appointment, one of my patients is in rough shape, so I don’t know how long it’ll be, but Dad will be home in an hour... unless you need me here hun, I can-”
“Mom, your patient’s waiting for you. Go, we’re fine.” Heather shoves her mother out the door, sometimes it's easy to forget which one of them is supposed to be the parent.
She’s amazing, incredible in fact. She’s funny, smart, so fucking talented she could rule the world, and yet she channels every bit of that energy into the people she loves.
It takes a toll on her, one she doesn't let anybody else see. She always feels like she has to be the perfect princess; perfect grades, perfect attendance, run for every class position, win every match, keep the kids in line. Sometimes I wish someone would come along and just force her out of her bubble, make her live her life for her for once.
“Shit, where’s my firelighter?” I look around the stove, before I hear a yelp from the youngest Thompson as Heather smacks the back of her head.
“Are you trying to burn the whole place down, you tiny fucking psychopath!” She snatches my firelighter from Cara, who shoves her tongue out at her sister before pretending her fingers are little matches, striking them on her palm before blowing out the invisible flames.
“It would look all pwitty on fire... right next to the water... poetic.”
That one... we’ll all be safer when she’s in prison.
“Thank you, my angel.” I make sure to put it on a high enough shelf the future-star-of-a-murder-documentary can’t get it. “Like fuck are you walking them back though, I’ll get one of the humping bunnies upstairs to take you all. Just tie those little fuckers to the treadmill in the gym when you get back until they pass out.” She laughs, before she yawns. She needs a good night’s sleep.
I pull her around the counter for a hug, we both know she wants it. “How about tomorrow night me and you go down to the lighthouse? Just get a little break, then you can crash with me?”
“Can Liam come?” I think that’s pretty much a given at this point, I can’t remember the last time I saw one of them without the other, even now he’s less than six feet away from her.
“Definitely.” She rests her head against my shoulder, and for the first time today, she lets someone else take some of the weight off her.
The worst part is, most of it she puts on herself. Jay and Leah try to let her breathe, but she has this never-ending need to please people. She knows her dad wants another Thompson jersey in the den, so she never stops practising. She knows that her Mama is so proud of her academics, so she never stops studying.
One day, it's all gonna snap.
I finish locking up, making sure everything is set for the morning before trudging upstairs. Of course when I get to my own front door, I have to fucking knock, because I don’t know if you’ve ever walked in on your brother railing his future husband into your couch, but it’s an experience I only need to go through once.
Or maybe seven times. They’re animals.
“You’re good, May.” Josh chuckles, but you can never be too safe, so I walk in with my hand over my eyes just in case.
“You decent? I hope you put Teal down first, he’s getting old enough to notice now.”
“Shut the fuck up, he’s fine.” Milo moans, but he’d better remember that when their own daughter comes. Poor girl is going to be coming with me on the weekly trips to the therapist’s office.
Although it’s hard to hate them when you walk into a scene like this; Josh laying on the couch, Milo’s back to his chest, and my son resting on my brother’s thighs, as they both just look at him like he’s a tiny god. Fucking adorable.
He could totally be one of those cute Budda babies, all squishy.
Josh kisses Milo’s shoulder before resting his chin on it, pulling faces at my very tired little soldier. He’s a good sleeper, he’s a good eater, he’s always happy. He was the calmest baby and that hasn’t changed, when I think back on Cara at one, I realise how lucky I am with him.
I’ve never met anyone that hasn’t fallen instantly in love with him, he's absolutely perfect.
“He's tired, do the thing.”
“I’ll do this thing when he picks me as his favourite.” Jesus Christ, Milo, let it go.
“Oh come on, for me?” Josh kisses the side of his neck, which we all know means he’s going to give in any second. “He's letting you hold him.”
“Yeah, because you’re right there.” I giggle, he’s not wrong. Teal will pretty much go to anyone, but if Josh is in the room, then it’s a fight.
“Please?” Milo rolls his eyes, but we know he’s going to do it anyway, taking a deep shuddering breath as he looks into the eyes of my son, a baby he loves so much I was scared I’d never get to hold him again the moment Milo got him in his arms.
“Fine...” And just like that, he starts to sing.
God, he really does have the most beautiful voice.
I don’t even strip out of my work gear, just perch on the edge of the couch and watch as Teal's eyes slowly start to shut, every lyrical word lulling him into a peaceful slumber.
Every mum should have a Milo Thompson at their disposal. That voice of his is magic.
“This will be our life too soon, you ready?” The two of them look at each other, so prepared to start this new journey. They’re going to be the best dads, that little girl of theirs is blessed.
“I wanted you to be the father of my children the first day I saw you with Liam, I’ve never been more ready for anything.”
They still make me sick. I love them.
“Okay, pass him here. I need you to drive the Thompson trio home.”
“No.” Milo protests, tucking Teal in under his chin and trying to walk away from me.
“Milo, we’ve had this conversation. I shoved him out, he’s mine.” Josh turns pale at the memory alone. Funny.
“But look, he’s doing the thing.” He raises his hand, showing Teal’s tiny fingers wrapped around his.
As lovely as this is, we’re all about three minutes away from Cara finding that firelighter and putting us all in an ashy grave, so I have no choice but to steal my child back.
“You’ve got three other nieces and nephews downstairs that need you. Scram.” Honestly, getting my own home to myself is kind of a mission these days.
“Fine, but we’re taking Josh’s car. I’m not letting Cara back in mine again.” Jesus Christ.
“You’re sounding more like Jay every fucking day.” Milo glares at me but Josh has to hide his snigger, it's true. “You’re too precious about that car.”
“I’m not precious! She took a bite out of my fucking seat! I couldn’t even find the chunk of leather, I’m pretty sure she ate it.” Very likely.
“Well get over it, because they’re all waiting down there, and the last time you left Liam alone with Chase for this long, he attempted to shave off his eyebrows.” Josh jumps to his feet, ever the protective big brother.
“I’m going! Maybe I can get Eli to send me one of the cars he fucks up on the track, that way no-one will notice the damage she does.” He laughs, but I growl, he knows better than to mention that fucking crumpet in my house. “Jesus, May, are you still on this? You have to forgive him, it was a mistake.”
Never.
“No, he's a fucking idiot.” I’m not getting into it right now, but that boy knows what he did. I should’ve ripped his eyes out right there.
I’m still thinking of a suitable punishment, one that involves Luna and unsupervised access to something sharp.
“I know someone who would agree with that statement.” Oh Lukey boy, I actually miss him. I hope he comes back home soon, so I can make him do that cute little pout again. I haven’t had someone to really abuse in a while.
The boys finally leave, and I take my first deep breath of the day. I’m always busy now, but that’s how I like it. I figured out quickly that the way to keep your mind from going haywire, is to never let it settle.
One of the things I love most about this apartment is how tiny it is, ten steps and I’m in the bedroom. I know we can’t stay here forever, Teal is only going to keep growing, he’s going to want somewhere to ride a bike and play with his friends, but I’ll miss this place when we have to leave.
It wasn’t built with a family in mind, all that separates my bedroom from his is a curtain. Mama T has offered to buy me any place on the Eastside to get me out of here, she hates it, but this is my home. It’s not much, it needs work, but it's mine.
“Goodnight, my sweet boy.” He nestles his head into my arm, and finally when the door locks downstairs and I’m greeted with silence, I take a moment just to look at him.
This is never going to end, is it? This undying and ever growing love that I feel for him. I thought I’d known true love, but this is something different. I’d die for him, kill for him, burn cities to the ground and empty the oceans if it's what he needed. He is my whole world.
He wriggles onto his side as I place him in his crib, feeling around for his blanket before I tuck him in. He can never sleep without this... neither could I.
I spent my entire pregnancy wrapped up in a blue hoodie, it was the only thing that brought me peace. My birth was... let's just say, unexpected. I didn’t have anything with me at the hospital, so when he came out I wrapped him up in the only thing I could, my hoodie.
His dad’s hoodie.
Heather is the one that turned into a blanket for me, she’s a sweetheart like that. A part of me didn’t want to let it go, but the other part just wanted him to have something of Kage, so it felt selfish to keep it.
I already have something of Ocean Eyes, the best something; him.
I never used to keep mementos, never held onto anything for the sake of a memory, but now I have boxes full of them. Everything from my pregnancy test to his hand prints, rocks from the beach when me and Heather go on our walks, to the tiny squishy basketball that Jay put in his crib. I keep it all.
Antonio had to throw my phone out the window in Italy, I understand why, but it meant I lost every photo of me and Kage. That’s when I started holding onto things, because you don’t realise how precious something is going to be until it’s gone.
When Teal was born I wanted him to have something of his dad to look at, I found a very grainy photo of him wrestling on a defunct wrestling promotion website. There were probably more, a lot more, but the moment I saw that one my heart broke and I stopped looking. I wanted it to sit by Teal’s crib, but I burst into tears every time I saw it, so now it's just under his pillow.
I only told Milo and Brie about everything that happened there, they told their husbands obviously, but according to everyone else I just went to Europe, got kept there by a man I shouldn’t have been with, met a nice boy, and came back pregnant. Anything else could get them all killed.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve almost picked up the phone and called Hannah, I know she’d be able to find Kage’s family in a heartbeat, but I just can’t. All that's keeping me and my son safe is the knowledge that Angelo thinks I’m dead.
Contacting them, telling his mum I had a baby with her son, they’re going to have some questions. Antonio and Brie had some contact after I came home, it was a weird day, but he told her that by the time he got back to Italy, Kage’s body had already been returned to America. I don’t know what his mum knows, maybe she thinks he was killed randomly, or maybe the police told her it looked like a mafia hit, either way, I’d never be able to tell her the truth without putting her in danger.
If one of his sisters went over to Italy, asking questions, telling people about me, that could get back to Angelo. It’s killed me, keeping Teal from them, but a mother’s got to do what they must to protect their child. I’ve promised myself that one day they’ll be able to meet him safely, Antonio will tell us when that day is.
Although none of us have heard from him for a while...
“Bitch, did you steal my fucking black dress? The one with the hole in the front.”
Firstly, that’s my fucking dress.
Secondly, please Brie, invite yourself into my home.