When I got home I knew Renzo was still here because I spotted his car right away. My heart started to beat out of my chest while I walked up to the apartment door. Gosh, I'm practically trembling, but I don't even know how to identify what I'm feeling right now.
As soon as I walked inside I caught those alluring eyes when they settled on mine. He explained his presence here, but I already knew. My heart hurt the longer he and I stood across from one another. When he announced that he'd get going I don't know why I did it but I didn't get out of his way.
"Renzo, I know we have some things to discuss-" I started to address the awkward elephant in the room but he stopped me. "We don't have to go there" he used that disinterested tone that stings. This is the man accused of cheating and he's done nothing to attempt to defend himself ever since I ran off.
Gosh, it just boiled over inside me. Who is this version of Renzo? I don't understand this man's angle but I hate it.
"If you have an explanation you haven't worked very hard to tell it" my mouth moved before I gave it permission. I watched that familiar flame flicker behind his eyes. His jaw clenched and unclenched like he often does when he's trying to control his temper.
Well at least I'd be getting some sort of reaction from him.
Renzo fixed the lapels of his coat and slid his hands in his pockets when he took that wide stance that always makes him look so confident. It's a boss's stance. It's attractive. With his hands in his pockets he shrugged off my blurting words.
"I tried. You ran. I chased. You hid. You asked for a break. I've given you what you asked for. If you got something to say to me then go ahead" he waved for me to speak. My heart was beating against my ribcage. He isn't wrong, but why do his words upset me so much?
I didn't even know what to say at first. I just looked at him. He couldn't keep eye contact though. He looked away from me. This false calm, I see little bits of it slipping away. Like his subtle rolling of his shoulders to reassert himself. The tight jaw.
This ache inside me is something fierce. I wonder if he feels any of that at all? It makes it hard to breathe. It makes it hard to think. But suddenly my mouth began to move and I let my feelings speak instead of overthinking this. I want to speak what's in my heart.
"Renzo, you're such a consuming presence in my life that I was starting to lose myself in you. When I saw Vittoria in your apartment it broke me. It felt like my world was falling apart and I don't think any one person should have such control over another's every thought and feelings. I live for you. I breathe for you. Regardless of if you truly cheated or not, my thinking that you had felt like I was literally being stripped of my life...and that's because you own half of it. You give me a place to live, you give me a job, you tell me you'll take care of me and suddenly I'm dependent on you" I didn't ramble, but the words did turn emotional.
I took a few breaths between the words, but I got out what I wanted to say. Renzo's eyes stayed on me while he listened to me speaking, but when I paused he didn't open his mouth. I think he was waiting to see if I had more to say, and I did.
"If you'd like to explain to me why she was there in your apartment...naked," I could barely get that part out. I dropped my eyes and took a breath. I won't let myself cry over her.
"I have an explanation" was all he said. This man is driving me mad. My tremble had returned. I was anxious, curious, nervous, and worried. His explanation is the make or break of all this. Maybe I don't want to address this because I don't want things to officially end. If they do...gosh, he really does rule me. It's not right. Is that love? I don't know.
"Let's talk then. Tell me" I decided not to prolong the inevitable. I need to know. I need to see if I even believe him when he explains. Isn't that an issue within itself? I don't trust my boyfriend. That's a weak foundation for a couple to build on.
I could see in Renzo's eyes that he was thinking about this. He was facing some internal battle, but I couldn't understand what. My lungs are so tight I have to remind myself to inhale and exhale.
When Renzo licked his lips my eyes followed. They didn't mean to but his mouth is so perfect. My lips remember his touch and crave him. Finally, Renzo looked decided about something. "Fine," he agreed. My gut flipped, but I nodded and waved for him to sit down on the sofa to talk about this. Why am I so nervous? So incredibly nervous.
When I took a seat I pinched my knees together and hugged myself while I waited. Renzo didn't sit beside me. Instead he sat on the edge of my coffee table directly across from me. I was confused when he grabbed his phone and pulled something up.
"I don't need to explain myself. She will" he told me. I didn't understand what he meant until I saw the video waiting to be played. Wait? I could see it was Vittoria in some unidentified room. I was almost too frozen in anticipation to click the play button myself.
When I took Renzo's phone into my own hands he stood up and looked out the window in the living room, instead of watching it with me. Or watching my face for any reaction. I don't even want to see her face, but I know this is important. I pressed play.
Vittoria was sitting with a designer bag on her lap and designer glasses pulled on top of her head. I wouldn't say she looked smug. I actually couldn't decide what that expression was. "Go," I heard Renzo order her to begin. She grit her teeth but began.
"I lied to you about everything. When the front desk alerted me to your coming up I made the bed and stayed in my towel, as I did just get out of the shower. The guest shower..." she wanted to stop, but I heard Renzo bark at her to tell me everything. "I wanted you to think he cheated. Renzo had no idea." Again I heard Renzo's voice in the background. "Tell her why you were there in the first place."
I watched Vittoria get frustrated but she continued.
"I was out partying the night before. You saw me at the club, but afterwards we went to a party. I didn't know who they were, but I was drunk and having fun, until I felt drugged. I was scared. I was getting confused and felt like I was gonna pass out. I called Renzo and asked for help. I was truly drugged. He knows, he saw" her eyes snapped up to Renzo who was behind the phone somewhere.
Drugged? I gripped the phone tighter. I was trying to replay her words.
"Am I done?" Vittoria's voice gives attitude to Renzo, but I could see she was somewhat upset. Who knows, she's clearly very manipulative. "You apologize," Renzo ordered her. My eyes widened. I wasn't expecting this part. I heard Vittoria mumble to herself in Italian before she switched back to English.
"I'm..." I could see it was killing her to even say this. She paused and swallowed down the words. I don't know what Renzo looked like behind that phone, but when her eyes glanced up she quickly dropped them back to the camera and caved. "I'm sorry, Kat" she forced the words out.
In real time, Renzo was still at my window looking out. He wouldn't look at me. My heart was still beating fast, but for a new reason. Is this true? Did Renzo go save a girl from a serious situation like that? Was that all? Did he not touch her? I've been avoiding him for weeks. I broke things in his bedroom. I haven't shown any trust in him. Am I the bad guy here?
How could I know though. It looked pretty clear that he cheated. Yes, I guess it could have been the manipulation of that witch Vittoria. I've never met someone so wicked. She did this on purpose to ruin our relationship. And she did...she ruined it. I've been miserable.
I was shocked but also angry. When the video cut off after he yelled at her to apologize like she meant it I just stared at the paused video again. What did I just watch? Is this merely acting or a true confession? I'm more confused than before.
"Renzo," I finally had to call his name when he didn't react to the obvious end of the explanation video. When I called his name I saw his jaw tighten again before he looked at me. It was stupid of me, but my first words were, "Is it true?"
He looked angry when I asked that. It wasn't even a real question I guess I was just trying to process.
"Does it even fucking matter if it's true or not? You come to your own conclusions about me anyways. You don't trust me. You think I'm a piece of shit. She was given date rape drugs, Kat. I knew I had to help, and yeah that ended up putting her in my apartment, but fuck, can't you ask me why before reacting to the words of a psychotic lying bitch?" Renzo spat at me.
Here is some of the emotion he has been void of for weeks now. "Can you blame me?! She opened the door in a towel! You were still in the shower. She showed me the smoothed out sheet in the guest room that made me believe you shared a bed that night!" I was quick to defend myself.
He laughed. He let out this deep, low, sardonic laugh.
"I rule your life, Kat? You live for me? You breathe for me? What the fuck have I been doing here for the past several months?! Look at how much I've changed since the start of this. I've been fucking loyal!! You have no reason to doubt me and yet you do. Every fucking time! I'm so goddamn sick of it. I'm not always the fucking villian!" He shouted at me.
I flinched back, but only because his words were so true. I tried to speak but he cut over my smaller voice. He started to pace.
"You think I own you. Fucking bullshit. Look what you've made me. You've inserted yourself so far under my skin. You made me wanna give you the goddamn job and apartment. You made me agree to a relationship. You make me so wound up and fucking stressed out at the threat of you leaving me. It's always you leaving me. When have I even threatened to leave you? Never. Fuck that. You live for me? You breathe for me?! I'm the one who fucking lost myself in you!!" He shouted some more, but his words brought tears to my eyes.
I stood up to try and stop his pacing. He wouldn't let me touch him. He kept moving away.
"Okay, I believe you. You did the right thing in helping Vittoria. I should have given you the chance to explain. I'm sorry. But look at us...we're a mess. Yes, I've doubted you many times, but I've had good reason to. We're both so lost inside all of this. This is why I had to step away. Do you understand?" I asked him.
I wasn't yelling but I was sure to get my point across so his angry ears would listen. Renzo stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to me and it felt so intimidating to finally gain his full attention as I'd been trying to get.
"I don't wanna become this person. This guy that spends weeks feeling like shit because he can't even go near his girl. But you aren't, are you? You haven't been my girl in weeks. You basically broke up with me when you ran out of my apartment thinking I was a cheater. I didn't just run off to get that confession to prove to you that you once again can trust me. You'll distrust me again whenever a new issue arises. I got that confession because I wanted to put Vittoria in her place. I warned her to stay away from the Revello's. I would've told you that I cut her off if you weren't hiding in my cousin's apartment with your cellphone off and using a burner phone" he called me out.
Again I flinched at the truth of his words.
"But I'm done proving myself, Kat. That's the last time, so take a good look at that video" he shook his head at me. His phone was actually still in my hand. I forgot until he pointed at it. I quickly wiped a tear and held the phone out for him to take. I don't need to watch it twice. I see now what actually happened there.
Vittoria was the one to answer the front desk's call to announce our arrival. She orchestrated all this to break us up..and I fell right into her trap. She won.
When Renzo grabbed his phone he barely looked at me. He slid the phone into his pocket and turned for the door. "Woah, wait a minute," I tried to stop him. We can't leave things half way here. We're both emotional for very different reasons right now, but it can't be left undone this way.
Renzo did stop for me. He stopped and turned to face me again. His eyes searched mine for only a second before he shook his head. At what? I don't know.
"If you don't need me, you'll leave me...What else has kept you here aside from worrying you'd lose everything if we parted? Go find the life you're looking for, Kat. I never said you shouldn't. Actually I gave you that grant money to attend college for that exact reason. To continue to build up your life. I just didn't realize by building yours up you had to remove yourself from mine" he said, and it's the most hurt I've ever heard his tone.
I jumped to say something but Renzo wasn't interested in listening. After he spoke he left. I honestly wanted to rush after him, but his words had me stuck in place. The pang in my chest was for a whole new reason.
Renzo hasn't been the bad guy for a while now...I have.