I'm wound up so tight I think I'll snap soon if I don't do something about it. This goddamn elopement idea happened at the worst fucking time. A time where I'm trying to stay away from Kat. The video confession I have on my phone weighs so heavily in my pocket, but I'm so angry with Kat and Dante that I didn't even want to give it to her.
She wants a break from me. She doesn't trust me. She wouldn't even give me the chance to defend myself. It didn't take long for me to realize who was helping hide Kat from me. Dante and her were playing house all week and I just stepped back. Stepped away. I'm so sick of being the bad guy in their book.
I had to control myself when I felt Kat's presence in the car when she sat directly behind me. I had to control myself when I could smell her perfume or hear her voice. I stayed away as best I could, but it was a fucking event for my own brother. I couldn't leave. If it was anyone else I would have told them to fuck off and find a different best man.
Worst of all is when I tried to control myself when Kat stepped into the aisle in that gorgeous fucking dress. She was perfect. I hate myself for it, but when her soft hazel eyes snapped up to mine I deadass forgot to breathe for at least the first five steps of her coming down to the flowered archway.
The color of her dress was flattering to both her and our picturesque surroundings. Her hair was full with beautiful curls. Her face was bright and needed no makeup at all, but I still noticed how she played up her eyes and full lips. As if I didn't need more distractions to stare at.
The dress hung perfectly against her frame. I hated how much my gut burned while I looked at her. She eventually dropped her eyes from mine, but I still looked. I couldn't stop looking and I was pissed at myself for it.
Even if Kat gives me the opportunity to explain Vittoria's presence in my apartment I still don't think this relationship will work. How can it work when she doesn't trust me? She'll always have doubts. We'll always argue when things beyond my control happen and she assumes the worst in me.
I always see all the best things about that woman, and all she sees is the bad inside me. I should have never let her get so close. I don't know how or when she did, but one day I blinked and I needed this girl. I went against everything I believe in to create a relationship with this girl. To commit myself to one person and be genuinely faithful.
If you told me that seven months ago, I would have laughed in your face then shoot you in it after. A woman under the skin of Renzo Revello? Someone he'd take care of, protect, and...love. I wouldn't believe you.
I cringe at this version of myself who is so affected by the sight of a woman. Who cares at all that she left me. Fuck this version of myself. Fuck him for losing his edge. Big bad Renzo Revello with a weakness to be exploited. Who am I now?
I genuinely mastered the art of not feeling. It's how I'm able to do the job that I do. I welcome the void so I can send every wrongful or painful thing there. I welcome the void, and yet I feel stuck here.
I'm so wound up I know nothing good will come from me trying to release this knot. I've retreated because I know everything around me will turn to total oblivion when I snap. And I almost did yesterday when everyone was celebrating.
As we walked down to the car after everyone gathered their things to leave I felt someone come up beside me. I didn't need to see with my eyes to know who it was. Everyone was drunk and piling into the car. Before I shut the trunk Kat turned to me and looked at me through her lashes. I grit my teeth.
"You shared some lovely words" was all she said to me, and in that soft voice that slays me. I wanted to grab her. I physically took a step back so I couldn't.
When I didn't respond to her she turned bashful and stumbled out, "I'm drunk. Just ignore me." My mind didn't catch up to my words when I spoke next. "Ignore you? How can I when you're the only fucking thing I see?"
Kat seemed surprised by my words, but she's drunk. None of this is sticking to her. I'm glad. I'd rather she didn't remember that this morning. She blinked up at me but I turned away. I walked to the driver's side and dropped in the seat without another word to anyone.
While they chattered in a drunk annoying way I blocked everything out. I blocked her out. Ignore her? I fucking wish.
So today I'm in the gym working hard to make my muscles scream out instead of my mind. I ran a few miles, I lifted weights, I did stomach crunches, and when none of that made a difference I went to the punching bags. I didn't wrap my knuckles. I need this to hurt. If you can focus the pain into one singular area it's easier to manage.
I was dripping sweat by the end of it too. I could feel the droplets all down my front and clinging to the back of my shirt. I took it off just to wipe my face clear. I was out of breath, but still I felt wound up.
This always happens. I try to find relief in things that never work. Working out, fucking somebody, or killing someone. It's a toss on what would work, but I hate myself even more for having no desire to try fucking anyone else. I've technically been single for over two weeks now, but the urge isn't there.
Fuck this version of myself. I want to beat him to a bloody pulp. I want to shove a gun in this guy's mouth and tell him to pray to whatever god he believes in before I kill him. Too bad I don't believe in god. If there was one then he's a more twisted son of a bitch than I am.
The evils of this world, ones I have contributed too, they aren't the makings of a kind god. We live in Satan's kingdom, and in my city we live under my rule. I think it's time to get back to basics. A time before I became hers.
Renzo Revello is not a man known for his mercy. I have bigger things to worry about here. I have a group of Armenians out to get me. I have the Catalano crime family pissed at me for locking Vittoria up and demanding the boat-guy to come back to America with me..where I will promptly drop him at the feet of those guys. Not my guy, not my problem.
I have plenty to do in my empire. It's business as usual today, now that we're back from the romantic retreat from hell. Let's get back to basics...that means I know exactly where to head next.
-
In the basement of my gentlemen's club was the boat-guy still chained up. I've had my goons watching over him while we waited for word from the Armenians. And they did reach out. We have a meeting today. In exchange for their word of no retaliation against us, they'll get the man they came for.
I know they're pissed that we killed 7 of their men, but they shouldn't have attacked my guys if they didn't want casualties. Sometimes in the game of life we have to take a hit and move on.
I don't have business with the Armenians, so I have no need for them in my life. They took a hit when we murdered 7 of their men, but you can't exact revenge for every life lost. We'd never get any work done. We'd just constantly be murdering people.
When I got to the basement the sight of me startled the man into alertness without my even touching him. He shuffled backwards until his back was against the wall. Usually I have my guys chained by the arms on my ceiling, but since I was gone for a few days I left him with ankle cuffs chained against the back wall.
He's able to lie down or curl in a ball that way. Which he was practically doing right now.
"Please don't send me off to those men. They'll torture me" the man pleaded. These are the times when the void inside me opens. The man's words won't touch me. I won't care. And I don't. I waved my goon over and asked for any updates.
After we spoke I walked closer to the man in chains. He curled in on himself when he had no way of getting any further from me.
"I lost a man who worked for me because of you and your little drama with the Armenians. You're lucky I don't torture you first before handing you off. I'm not in a good mood today and that's not a good thing" I let him know. He shook his head and hid his face from me.
"Look at me" I ordered him. When he didn't budge I grabbed him by the hair and yanked his face my way. Tears. Pathetic. When I meet my end, no matter which way, I'll be screaming fuck you until my last breath. I don't owe the world shit and I certainly wouldn't owe a prick like me any of my salty pitiful tears. I will never plead. I will never beg.
I've faced some close calls in the past and every single one of them ended with me fighting back. I'll never go gently into the night. I'm Renzo fucking Revello. I oughta remember that when a little five foot something female tries giving me the eyes again.
I would die for that woman, which is precisely why I'm going to stay away from her. No matter the heat in my gut. No matter the tugging at my own flesh to move me closer. I don't beg and I don't plead. If Katarina wants to end me I won't go quietly.
My thoughts ran away from me for a second, but I brought them back to attention, to the idiot at my feet. "Get up, the meetings in half an hour" I warned him. "NO! No, please. I'm an ally to the Italian's! I am an Italian myself. How can you side with them?!" He shouted, trying to hide his wrists so I couldn't unchain him.
"I'm not siding with anybody, cus it's none of my fucking business. I don't know you. Italian or otherwise, who the fuck are you to me?" I actually found myself chuckling.
He looked bewildered because of it. "You're betraying the Italian code of honor if you had me over!! I'm not your guy, but it's La Familia, isn't it? Huh?" He tried pressing on his point. I licked my teeth. I yanked his arm from under his armpit and started undoing the shackles. He was wiggling and pulling, which pissed me off. I kneed him in the ribs which untangled him.
"What part of bad mood did you not understand?" I grabbed him when he was freed from the bindings. He tried pushing me off. I let him because it gave me a reason to punch him in the face. The idiot stumbled over his own feet and bounced off the wall. I laughed again.
"You don't stand a chance, huh buddy? Where's the fight in you? If you wanna survive that badly then earn it" I shoved him again. He looked surprised, but then he took my words to heart and tried showing a brave face.
"EARN IT" I mocked him. He grit his teeth and was breathing hard through them. "Be a fucking man and earn your life. Come on" I waved for him to come at me. Why not right? I'm pissed the fuck off. I have to unwind somehow.
The man contemplated if I was being serious, but when I started to charge him he hollered out a pathetic growl when he charged back. I grabbed his collar with my left hand and punched him with my right. He tried pulling his arms up to shove my face away. It knocked me on the cheek.
"Fight, fucking fight" I gritted out as we struggled for control. He tried dropping me to the ground for it. I let him, but we rolled around for the upper hand on one another. The ground is goddamn filthy. Whatever.
"I want to live!!" The man shouted repeatedly as we crashed into the wall and rolled bodies over one another until I was the man on top. He flinched away, but I grabbed his face instead of punching it.
"Don't fucking flinch. Your hands are bound. You find another way. THAT'S how you earn it. I'll fight you to the death if I have to" I egged him on. I punched him in the face and he finally decided to use his legs to buck me off of him. He even tried biting my hand.
"There you go. Draw blood. Don't back down now" I punched him again. When he finally gathered enough strength from all the adrenaline coursing through him, he bucked me off and grabbed at my shirt to keep me low enough for him to mount me.
When I didn't let him we both hopped up on our feet again. The boat-man held his fists up in defense, just waiting for me to strike.
When I took a step one way he'd pivot his body to always be facing me. I circled him like a predator would, and since he didn't attack first I did. I punched him in the body, which let him punch me in the face. I laughed when I got the metallic taste in my mouth.
"I don't wanna die," the man reiterated. He was yelling, I was yelling. I've clearly lost my shit. "Are you gonna cry about it? You call yourself an Italian. La Familia. Then grow some fucking balls and HIT ME" I barked out.
I didn't hear the footsteps coming in, but I heard someone say, "What the fuck?" behind me. My cousin. "Hit me" I told the man again. His eyes bounced quickly from Dante back to me. He shouted again and charged forward. It was a good try, it was, but I swung first and knocked him out.
When he dropped to the ground I looked at my cousin who looked dumbfounded. "Did he escape?" He asked me, still taking in the scene. I spit some blood and chuckled sardonically. "Nope." Dante rubbed the back of his neck and continued to eyeball me. Here we go. "Ren, is everything alright?" He bothered asking.
"I'm fine. He wanted a chance to prove that he wants to live. I let him attack me. He won't make it against the Armenians, but I'll let him bring a knife and try to take a few out with him before he dies" I shrugged.
My cousin shook his head at me, but his eyes shifted down when we heard the groan. The man was stirring awake after I knocked his jaw and turned his lights out. "Shit" he grabbed his face and huffed. He wasn't able to sit up just yet, but he paused when he noticed Dante standing over him. "Please, you gotta help me" the man asked him.
"I'm not involved, big guy. Gotta ask the boss" Dante thumbed over to me. The man shivered and tried to sit up now. "No! He's crazy. He won't do it. He wants me to fight. How can I?!" He was starting to sound desperate again. Disappointing.
"Stand up" I ordered him. When he hesitated I got louder. "Stand the fuck up." The man rose to his feet although he swayed slightly. I felt around in my coat and pulled a knife I had in there. Just in case situations. I always keep a spare weapon somewhere on me.
"Here, take this. You wanna live then fight" I tossed it to him. He looked down at it with wide eyes then back at me. "Ren" Dante was about to yell at me. The man won't fight the Armenians. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to use the knife on me.
"Don't bother. I have my left hand man and another handful of goons between you and freedom. You'd never make it" I warned him. He flipped the knife open anyways, which made Dante take many steps back.
"What the fuck, Renzo" he spat at me for bringing danger to us. The man came at me, but I dodged the knife. I don't wanna shoot him because the Armenians want him alive. Eh, a toe isn't killing him. He's got 9 others for them to take.
When he charged me I un-holstered my gun and shot his foot. He hollered out in pain and lost total control of the knife. Idiot. He tried swiping me again and just barely got the side of my hand when I blocked him.
I stepped on his half shot off toe and he completely crumbled to the ground. "Fine. I'm taking the knife back" I yanked it from him and tucked it back into my jacket. "You crazy bastard. You crazy son of a bitch" the man held his bleeding foot.
Since there was a hole in his sneaker you could see the red coming out. He rolled on the ground and was becoming a bumbling idiot. I had enough of it. I yanked him up and practically dragged him down the hall.
"Tie him up and put him in the car. Yours...I don't want blood in my car. I'll be out in a second" I told one of my goons. Him and another guy took him arm by arm and dragged him off kicking and screaming.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?! Why am I asking?! I know you are. He could have fucking stabbed you" Dante snarled at me. I just looked at him with a disinterested expression, which pissed him off more. Before I could turn for the hallway he stepped in front of me.
"I know you're mad at me for helping Kat. And I know you're mad at Kat because she didn't give you a chance to explain, but Renzo don't get stupid and dangerous because you're pissed. I know you! You do crazy ass shit when you aren't thinking" my cousin tried pulling a Rocco type speech on me.
"Dante, either you come to the exchange as my third in command or you go away so I can do the job without your morality getting in the way" I bumped past him. His choice.