Since the church experiment didn't work in resolving this guilt I feel, or the thoughts that plague me about the night of Sven's revenge, I started looking for other coping mechanisms. I've shown a brave face in my day to day life because I don't want people knowing anything is wrong.
The only people who know what happened that night are the Revello's. Everyone else just thinks I'm still sweet ol' Kat. And I want to be her. I want to get back to that girl but I feel like a fraud. Like an imposter of myself.
I looked online for healthy coping methods and on one website they talked about writing it all down on a piece of paper, and then lighting that piece of paper on fire and watching the burden blow to smoke.
I took out my notebook and decided to try it. I started writing down my memories of the night itself and the things that cross a person's mind right before they think they are going to die.
I wrote about what Sven looked like, things I knew about him, and described the dreams I've been having where he occupies the majority of it. I just started writing and couldn't stop. I didn't realize how much I was bottling up inside until I started to see droplets wetting the page as I turned for another one.
Silent tears and the scratching of my rapid pen.
When I said all I could say about Sven Van Dijk, my hurting heart, and my guilty consciousness, I brought the pages to the sink and lit the tips on fire. Using this long neck lighter I have for my scented candles in the living room.
I watched the white page catch on the flame and start curling in on itself. The orange turned brown then black so quickly as the words started to distort before being destroyed. They crumbled until most of the charred remains were just gunk on my sink that needed to be rinsed.
I flinched when a sudden alarm started going off and cursed myself when I realized I set off the fire detector just above my apartment door. I grabbed a rag and started waving the smoke away so the battery operated detector could shut itself off.
I wanted to curse myself even more when I also started hearing knocking while I was jumping up trying to get anywhere near enough to my ceiling to wave the lingering smoke away.
"Kat? Everything okay?!" I heard Grace's voice on the other side of my front door and wanted to face palm. I knew she was coming to pick me up. We had made plans for the day, but I guess I lost track of time when I started writing. It was later than I thought it was.
"Fine!" I shouted while trying for the handle. When she walked in she saw me waving the detector that just clicked off. Still I wanted to be sure all the smoke was gone completely before I triggered the alarm again.
"What's going on?" Grace chuckled at my frazzled state. "Oh, something got a little smoky. I should have opened a window" I played it off casually.
She offered to crack a window for me and started for the living room, which gave me time to go to my kitchen sink and rinse the evidence away. There...am I supposed to be cleansed? Feel better? That was anticlimactic.
"I was going to just text you to come down but I actually was hoping to use your restroom" Grace explained why she'd come up. "Please, help yourself" I motioned for her to go ahead. Grace has friends coming from New York to start dress shopping for the wedding. I was surprised and honored that she wanted me there with all of them.
I don't know a soul, but I'm friendly and willing to make conversation.
Even in 'casual' wear Grace somehow always looks more elegant than cozy. She was in an easy summer dress so she could change clothes without too much of a fuss, but she also wore beaded sandals, a silver tiffany chain necklace and matching bracelet set. Her hair was down in a straightened style, so I didn't see her earrings, but she probably has lavish ones too.
She does every time I've seen her. I looked down at myself while Grace was using my restroom. I was in shorts and a flowy top. I didn't put much thought into it, but something tells me all of Grace's friends are probably a lot more like her than they are like me.
-
Grace drove us to a little bridal shop where her girlfriends would be meeting us any minute now. I call the place 'little' and it was, but it was extravagant. I picked up a price tag and dropped the dang thing like it burned me. Wow.
"So, did I tell you about my mom's visit? Ugh, you had so much going on at the time I didn't want to burden you, but she's being such a bridezilla and she isn't even the bride!!" Grace huffed as she perused.
"Is she an opinionated woman?" I asked after her. "Very! But so is Rocco's mom. You've met Claudia. You know" she waved me off like I knew all this all too well. I don't.
Yes, I met Claudia and even stayed in her home for a few nights, but we didn't bond for very long. Most of what we discussed was about Renzo and how Claudia didn't think I should judge her son too harshly. Goodness, was she right. Look where I am now...burning written confessions of murder and nightmares.
When the bell above the shop door chimed it was like a sea of very excited women came bursting through the entrance. The shop has one front door, a main room filled with dress displays and racks of white, white, and more white.
Then towards the very back is a cove for the dressing rooms, and a counter with an old school vintage looking register made up entirely of silver. It gave character to the place. The woman who worked here, or possibly owned the bridal shop, was all smiles and kept a measuring tape around her neck like she was ready to start grabbing limbs and waists at any second.
The stampede of women consisted of four younger women, an older woman around Claudia's age, Claudia herself, and a very old woman. The four younger girls all had big jewelry, white toothed smiles, and they were loud. Very loud.
"AHH! She's here", "Babes! You look amazing", "Hello! We missed you" people all shouted giddy and all out at once. I just took a step back to let everyone greet one another.
The first to step out of the sea of women was Mrs. Claudia Revello herself. "Mrs. Revello, hello" I politely greeted her and did the double cheek kiss I had witnessed everyone else doing. Portuguese people do that as a form of greeting also.
"Well, look who it is. I'm happy to see you here, carissima stellina" the woman smiled and I hope it was genuine. I also hope she doesn't know about Sven. I couldn't stand the man I love's mother to know such a gruesome detail about me.
Renzo did tell me that he'd take the blame for all that. So if he did tell anyone, the story was that Renzo got Sven before Sven could get me. I'd rather that version than the real one.
Still, last I spoke to Claudia I was telling her I couldn't stomach Renzo's past, and that we were in a confusing place. But today isn't about me. It's about Grace and her exciting first steps into planning her big wedding day.
Before Claudia could say much else we were interrupted by the bride herself. "Ladies, this is Kat, my Boston bestie. Kat, this is my sister, my cousin, my step niece, and my New York bestie" Grace started pointing to each of the women who all varied in age.
The step niece is the daughter of Grace's step brother from the Colombo crime family. I wish I didn't know those details but I do. Grace has told me all about her family tree.
Grace's sister, Faith, could be her twin. They aren't though. Her sister is 35 and Grace is 30 like Rocco. Grace's mother had Faith when she was only 18, but stayed with the man many years and had Grace with the same man.
The dad left when she was 6, and they don't really know why, but he is no longer involved in their lives. Mrs. Colombo met Jimmy Colmobo and got involved with him when Grace was 13 years old. Grace never liked him or the lifestyle, but she's since embraced her step brother and step niece.
She's obviously okay enough with the lifestyle to marry a man who is also involved in it.
Her niece has wide hips and slightly matured features for her actual age. Only the slight acne of puberty gives away that she isn't as old as you'd think. She was sweet. Very excited to be looking at dresses for her aunt's special day.
All of this was making me miss my family like crazy. My birthday will be coming up in a few weeks and this is the first birthday I'll be spending without them. I'm sad about it. With having such a hard time lately with everything that's gone on I have wanted the comforting presence of family with me.
I also sometimes wonder if their presence would actually worsen my guilt. Can I ever look my parents in the eyes again after doing what I did? Still, watching this full bridal shop and all the chatty women I definitely missed my own family.
Grace's New York bestie was a riot. They call her the rebel Italian because she chopped her hair short and colored it a fiery red. She's got the biggest long island accent and she's definitely got a big personality. Quite opposite to me, but Grace considers me her closest friend in Boston. It was nice to hear.
I started talking to everyone. We all picked a handful of dresses for Grace to try on, and in between measurements, the actual trying on of each dress, and everyone's opinions, I got to learn a lot about everyone. And they had plenty of questions for me.
I didn't know we were also getting measurements by the woman who owns the shop until she started waving girls over. Grace's cousin Bella, who is dark haired but very fair skinned, was the first of us to go. She's got an apple bottom build.
We each got our measurements scribbled onto a piece of paper, and I guess it'll be useful information when dress shopping. I didn't realize these girls were from the wedding party. Was I? She never asked me to be so I assume not.
Still I took my measurements and folded the paper into my pocket. Since I was in there I pulled my phone to check the time, but ended up seeing a text message whose contact name alone brought a smile to my face.
*Renzo: I heard you are in the presence of my mother. She hasn't been on your case, has she?* I chuckled that he'd even ask me that. Claudia isn't overbearing in my opinion. Or hasn't been yet. "Me: She is far too busy giving opinions on Grace's bridal gown to even pay any attention to me at all* I assured him.
Between Grace's mother and Rocco's I could see Grace was going to have her hands full. They were bickering and over stating their opinions over anyone else. We've almost reached anarchy.
*Renzo: Did I tell you that Rocco asked me to be his best man?* I felt another text come through. It made me smile again. *Me: No, you didn't tell me, but I'm not surprised.*
As much as Renzo is temperamental he loves his brother and they're very close. I won't lie and say it didn't cross my mind that if I was the maid of honor I could have been paired with handsome Renzo in a tux at what I already know will be a stunning wedding.
I'd never be maid of honor, Grace has too many close friends and family members she'd choose over me, and I'm not offended in the slightest. Still the idea of Renzo and I at a wedding in a pair was something nice to think about.
*Renzo: Dante is an usher. Did Grace ask you to be in the wedding? How come you're with the girls for the fitting?* He asked me. My gut clenched when a question formed in my mind. *Me: Does it bother you that I would be making a commitment so far ahead in the future if I said yes to being a bridesmaid next year?*
I know Renzo isn't one for long term commitments. When there was a few minutes pause between messages I wondered if I spooked him off. When my phone lit up again I didn't even look at poor Grace coming out in her final dress option of the 5 we all helped her choose. All of them have been absolutely beautiful so it'll be hard to decide.
*Renzo: Think you can handle me for a year?* His question made my heart flutter. Can I?
*Me: Even if I couldn't, I'm afraid you are no longer the only Revello I keep in my life* I reminded him of that little tidbit of information. If Renzo and I didn't work out would I walk away from every Revello? Dante, Grace, even Rocco who's been around when I'm around the other two.
I think I would still be friends with them and it would just be Renzo who I would stay away from. Not that I ever want that to happen, but his question did get me thinking about it.
I clasped my phone to my chest when a hand settled on my shoulder. I don't know why, because the message wasn't anything overly private, but it made me blush when Mrs. Revello glanced between me and my clutched phone.
"You seem busy...I don't think you heard Grace asking if we all wanted to go to my family's restaurant for a late lunch" the woman held an amused expression. Oh boy. I had fun meeting these girls and seeing the dresses, but they are all so close knit and so overly excited. I felt it wasn't my place to linger too long.
"I have a shift tonight. I may need to start heading back" I told the woman politely. "Have our Renzo stop by. He'll take you to the office. I'm sure" I suddenly felt like Claudia was testing me on something. On what? I don't know.
Maybe she was actually just fishing for information to see where her son and I left things between us. I also noted the use of the term 'our,' when referencing Renzo.