I don't know how long I stood there staring at the ground after Jean stormed off. All I know is I wasn't the only one left feeling this guilt. My whole body felt cold, so much so that it burned. When I finally did pry my eyes off the ground I noticed similar grief-stricken faces all around me. The whole room was dead quiet. We all turned to look the second Mom and Pixis came in talking. Their conversation dropped dead silent the second they looked around the room.
"You look like you've all seen a ghost," Pixis raised an eyebrow waiting for an explanation that never came. We all remained dead silent.
"They are all butt hurt after being lectured," Nanaba finally spoke up. She had been observing the situation with her head held high knowing that she wasn't the one Jean was lecturing to. "Jean yelled at them for the way they've been treating Eren and Levi."
"It's about time," Mom huffed, "you all deserved that one."
"Honestly, you didn't even treat me this bad, half of you have already forgiven me and act like I was never a part of it, but then would instantly give them the cold shoulder," Pixis crossed his arms.
"Still, a lecture wouldn't have you making that face," Mom noted before turning to Nanaba for another explanation.
Nanaba was quiet for a moment. The smug grin fell from her face as she hesitated to give her an answer. She cleared her throat and quietly answered her question. "Apparently it's affected Eren so bad that he had said he wished he had died on the mission," Nanaba explained. Mom wasted no time turning around. She took a few steps before Nanaba jumped up and grabbed her arm, stopping her from walking to their room.
"That's not going to help, besides, Jean made it very clear that anyone that walked into that room tonight would be barbecued."
"I would like to see him try," she said, trying to continue on with what she was going to do, but Nanaba stopped her again.
"It will only do more harm to bring it up than just letting it go. I'm sure it was just said in a moment of frustration, I doubt he actually meant it." Nanaba is lying straight to mom's face and everyone except mom and Pixis knows it.
Jean made it clear Eren's said that multiple times now, and I'm sure Eren must have meant it. I mean for him to say it means he meant it, but to say it multiple times. Not only does he mean it, but he probably genuinely thinks people would be better off if it happened.
"I know you want to march in there and ask him what he's thinking, try and make him feel better, but that's not going to help. I'm sure Eren didn't even know that Jean told us. Besides I'm sure that he will go back to normal and forget about that dark thought now that everyone knows better. Right?" Nanaba asked, turning to the rest of us, glaring us down to answer.
"Right," we all said with a nod.
"Good, you better treat them right, Jean isn't the only one sick of this shit," mom said before Nanaba let go of her arm. "I'm going to bed, Suddenly I've lost my appetite," mom mumbled, mostly talking to Nanaba and Pixis. She continued down the hall with her eyes glued to the ground and her pace slower than before.
Great not only have we managed to make Eren and Levi feel like shit, but we've also pissed off Jean, and now bummed out mom. Who else are we going to hurt tonight?
We all started making our way to our own rooms. None of us are in the mood to talk or eat anymore. I sat down on the bed not really sure what to do. I pulled my knee to my chest as Annie took a seat next to me.
"Mikasa."
"Please not now," I mumbled.
"Look I know you aren't in the mood for and I told you so." she's right I'm not. She told me that I was being unfair to them, that I should probably be nicer and try to forgive them, but I didn't listen and now look at what happened. "That's not what this is," Annie said, placing a hand on my back. "I was just going to say don't beat yourself up too badly. I know you feel responsible, and while yes you had a part of it, you aren't the only one to blame. You all need to share the blame and make it up to them, but don't dwell on the guilt for too long."
God, that's the nicest I told you so ever. She's right. Sitting here and blaming myself isn't going to help, I need to find a way to make it up to them, but how? What should I do? I can't exactly just start pretending nothing is wrong and none of this ever happened. One because that's not going to solve anything that's just shying away from the issue, and two because I'm a shit actor.
"What do I do now?" I asked maybe Annie would have an idea.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean how do I make it up to them?"
Annie just stared at me like I was a dumbass. Granted she's usually right. "Did you think about apologizing to them?" she asked like it was the most obvious answer.
"I mean yeah, but I doubt they are going to want to hear it."
Annie just rolled her eyes and laid back on the bed, "You don't give them enough credit. They are more understanding than you think. If nothing else, just sit down with them and actually talk to them face to face. Apologize, say your piece and maybe say how you were feeling and explain why you did the things you did, but don't use that as an excuse for your actions, because there was no excuse for how you treated them," Annie said even laying down I could feel her glare at me.
"You're right," I said, laying down next to her. If I just sit them down, explain why I felt the way I did. Then I can clear up some of these emotions that I've just been holding onto. It will be a way to get my feelings out in the open and make sure they know that even though I was feeling that way I was still the one in the wrong because I should have talked it out with them in the first place instead of just holding it all in and letting it come out in different more hurtful ways.
That's exactly what I did. When I woke up it was way too early, and I ended up pacing around the room for about an hour until Annie finally got tired of it and grabbed me pulling me onto the bed and holding me close making sure I couldn't escape unless I used my super strength. "Calm your ass down. It's too early for all this nervous energy." She grumbled before falling back asleep.
When Annie woke up I figured enough time had passed and that Eren and Levi were probably awake by now. I headed towards their room and knocked. No answer. I poked my head in and saw that it was empty. Weird. I headed to the common area. It was still kinda early. I didn't expect them to be moving around this early, especially since they haven't left their room much the last few days.
When they weren't in the common room I froze. Where are they? Would they be in Jean and Marco's room? I was about to head over there when I noticed that Jean and Marco were sitting at a table in the common area. Well, shit. Am I going to have to ask them where they are? That's not going to go well. Jean was pretty pissed at me.
I took a deep breath and walked over to them. Jean shot me a glare the second he saw me approaching. Marco gave me a friendly smile, I knew him well enough to know that it was a facade. He was probably just as pissed at me as Jean was, he was just better at hiding it.
"Can we help you?" Jean asked, his voice uninviting.
"I was wondering if you knew where Eren and Levi were?"
"Even if we did, why should we tell you," Jean said, folding his arms.
Marco cleared his throat and gave Jean a soft nudge. "They are talking with Pixis, they should be done in a moment."
"Thank you," I said with a nod to Marco. I just ignored Jean's glares and comments. He had every right to be mad at me, there was no point in me being angry with him for my mistakes.
I took a seat a few tables away and kept my eyes glued to the door. When it finally opened and they stepped out I saw Eren's eyes meet mine. They instantly redirected and he took a deep breath before trying to quickly walk away.
"Eren, Levi?" I asked standing up and walking towards them. Neither of them looked me in the eyes, they just looked in my general direction. Eren seemed shocked that I was actually talking to him, while Levi seemed unphased. He was probably reading my mind to see why I was calling them over. "Can we talk for a minute?"
They came over and we sat down at a table. Even with his hands under the table, I could tell Eren was nervously fidgeting. Levi seemed more worried about comforting Eren more than paying attention to what I had to say. Which is fair he probably already heard everything I was going to say already through my thoughts.
"I wanted to say that I'm really sorry with how I've been treating you two. I get it if you are mad at me, or don't accept my apology. I know that I've been acting like a total bitch and it's because I let my emotions get the better of me. I tried to bury my feelings down and forget about them, but that didn't make them go away. That just made them come back stronger. I know that it's not an excuse, and I don't mean it as one. I just wanted you two to know that I'm really sorry, and if it's okay with you I would like to talk about what happened and get these emotions out in the open so that maybe we can finally clear the air?"
"Of course we accept your apology," Eren said with that kind smile of his. Annie is right. I don't give them as much credit as I should. I forget how unbelievably nice they are. I don't deserve to be forgiven not for how I made Eren feel, not for how I treated them. They are my friends and I was treating them like garbage.
"We would love to talk it out," Levi said with a nod.
So we did. I told them that I felt a little betrayed by them going on the mission. I mean firstly because they went on that stupid mission, but also because they didn't bring me along. I mean I could have helped, I could have gone instead of them, I mean what would those people have done to me? Kill me? As if.
I told them something that I've only ever told Annie so far. Which was that if the worst-case scenario happens I would be left alone, and them going on that mission reminded me of that. I didn't want to lose them and I felt like distancing myself from them would lessen that feeling and give it time to pass, but it never did.
They also opened up a little about their side and what they were feeling. How my actions made them feel, or even how they felt about the mission.
They both shared that they were really depressed and that they didn't leave their room because they were afraid of feeling like they let everyone down and seeing the disappointed and angry looks on everyone's faces.
They said how on the mission they never felt more scared, not for the fact that they would die, but for the fact that they would never be able to finish what they started. With this war, with their friends, they wouldn't get to right their wrongs, and they would leave so many things unsaid. They told me about the notes a little more saying that they hoped to make the notes so that nothing was left unsaid or unresolved, but that they felt like they weren't enough. Even though each note was long they always felt like they were leaving something out. Something unresolved, and that's because they were. It was one thing to say goodbye in the form of a letter, but they told me that it didn't sit right with them not being able to say their final words in person.
After a little more talking we hugged it out and I know I felt a lot better about the situation, but only because I could tell they felt a lot better. They both were actually smiling, and it felt so damn good to talk to them again, like actually talking to them and being able to speak freely.
I was going to head back to my room when I heard Eren raise his voice behind me. "Wait a damn minute." I whipped my head around thinking he was talking to me. "You fucking told them you bastard," he said glaring at Jean.
"Well, what the fuck else was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know? Not tell them! For once I was hoping you could keep your mouth shut"
"To be fair if he wasn't going to I would have," Marco mumbled. With the way Eren went quiet, I could tell he wasn't expecting that.
"Yeah, I figured it was best to let Jean do it, he's never shied away from conflict," Levi shrugged.
"You knew?" Jean asked.
"Yeah, last night when you thought I was only reading Eren's thoughts, you were wrong, but I was fed up with it as much as you were."
"Well shit," Jean mumbled.
I just shook my head and figured that this conversation wasn't my business. I headed back to my room to tell Annie that they forgave me.