I couldn't stop pacing the room. I could feel him he's here. He's watching me or is that just my mind playing tricks on me. Dammit, Ymir. Telling me Reiner is here. What am I supposed to do with that information? Now I can't help but think he's here at all times. I don't know what else to do or what else to say. If he is here what does he think I mean he's been watching me make a fool of myself these past few days. He's watched me pretend he's never existed, make a mockery of his death by perverting it with blind rage and revenge.
I sat down on the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. "I don't even know if you're here right now, but I'm sorry. You know I've never been good at this. I don't even have you here to help me through it this time," I let my eyes close. I'm not imagining this, am I? The feeling of the bed dipping down ever so slightly the warmth on my back. He has to be here right?
"Berthold?" I ripped my eyes open and looked at the door where Levi was standing.
"Hey," I cleared my throat trying to push down any emotions that were starting to show. I let my legs slide back down off the bed and straightened my back trying to sit up straight. It's too late he already saw it all, felt it.
"Do you have a minute?" he asked and I felt guilty as I remembered our last conversation.
"About earlier I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lash out and snap at you like that. It was uncalled for and I shouldn't have-."
"What? Oh, that? It's fine," he said, not even remembering what I was saying at first, and then brushing it off. "I just wanted to check-in. I was going to do it right after Ymir finished talking to you, but she kinda shooed us away. I mean I'm sure none of this can be easy and I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you."
I know that. That's all anyone's been saying lately, but it doesn't matter. It's not like I can actually talk to anyone about all of this. I've never been good at talking about this stuff. Neither was Reiner, but we knew how to comfort each other through these times, not that it matters much now anyway. I snapped back to reality when I realized who was standing in front of me. I mentally facepalmed realizing that he could hear me. "Ignore me," I mumbled. I'm too exhausted to try and hold everything back today.
"Maybe that's a good thing. Holding it all back is probably why you're so exhausted."
Or maybe it's the fact that I was just told my dead boyfriend is watching me make a fool of myself. I quickly shook my head trying to clear away my thoughts. "That was mean sorry."
Levi just laughed, "I mean you have a fair point, and it's fine you don't have to filter your thoughts on my behalf. It's nice to hear you being honest and open even if it isn't intentional."
"I meant what I said earlier," I quickly changed the subject, "I want you all to come back safe I can't lose any more of you." I've lost enough I don't think I could survive losing anyone else. I could barely survive losing Ilsa, and now Reiner. Honestly, the only reason I haven't completely given up and gone through with some of my thoughts is that I know he would be pissed at me. I turned my head to look away from him. My thoughts weren't the best right now and the last thing I need is a lecture.
"He wouldn't be the only one," Levi said and I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. "We would all be pretty pissed if you did that. I know you're tired of losing people, but so are we. Losing you would be devastating."
I just let out a sigh and pulled a leg back up to my chest. I was too exhausted for this conversation. All of my energy was zapped from the conversation with Ymir, not to mention finding out my friends are going out on another potentially dangerous mission.
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, I just thought it might help you get some weight off your chest," Levi said back calmly. "If you want to talk, but can't find the energy then I'm the perfect person to talk to," he said trying to lighten the mood a little. I don't know how he did it. He always sounds so emotionless, but when comforting people his tone actually softens. It's nice. It almost makes me want to talk to him about all of this, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to without breaking down.
"Sometimes you have to break down to feel better." I just flopped back on the bed. I hate that he's right, but where do I even start. "Start wherever it feels right. Doesn't matter if it makes sense to me or not, it's just you thinking through things okay," he said his voice soft as he sat down next to me on the bed.
I let my legs dangle off the edge and I laid flat on my back staring at the ceiling. I didn't know where to start so I just took a moment to get comfortable knowing this would be a long talk... or I guess talk isn't the right word to use since I wouldn't be talking. I just took a deep breath and cleared my mind for a moment knowing I was going to spiral a few times during this. "You can lay down if you get uncomfortable, this might be a while," I finally said, realizing he was still sitting up in front of me. He laid down next to me staring up at the ceiling waiting for me to just think away.
I never noticed this before, but Levi is really good at listening and just comforting people in general, even if he says he's horrible at it. I don't think I would be comfortable doing this with anyone else. I mean letting someone see me this open and broken. The only other person to see me that way was Reiner.
This was hard. I didn't know how to start. I spent the last few weeks blocking out all thoughts of him. Ignoring my emotions and any thoughts that came up. Now rather than avoid them I'm trying to welcome them. I don't think I've really taken the time to let myself process what's happened. I mean it's not like I'm in denial, but I'm definitely not at acceptance yet. Where does that leave me now? I'm sure I've passed anger, but am I at bargaining or depression? Maybe a mix of both.
I keep going through the what-ifs, but a part of me knows that no amount of what-ifs will ever bring him back. Then again, I can't tell if I'm at the depression stage since I haven't let myself feel a god damn emotion aside from rage.
I know that's a problem holding back all these emotions, but what else was I supposed to do. I didn't want to bring anyone else down, and honestly, I didn't want to acknowledge them because that would make everything real, now that I'm here forcing myself to acknowledge everything I don't know how to feel.
Mostly just sad. Still a little angry, but not at anything specific. Just the world maybe? I mean if we didn't live in such a cruel world then he would still be here, but then again if not then we probably would have never met. There I go with more what-ifs.
The silence in this room was deafening. Just knowing Levi was listening to all this... Feeling all of this... I don't know how I feel about continuing. I wanted desperately to just remember the good times, but If I keep going I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from rambling on for hours. Can I just think about the good times? I'm tired of thinking about all the bad things and the what-ifs.
"I have time, it's not like I have anywhere to be," Levi whispered, making sure I knew it was okay to ramble on.
"I remember when I first met Reiner," I started out loud. If Reiner is here he will get a kick out of me going down memory lane. "We were placed in the same dorm room. I said hi and he told me to go die in a hole. I think he expected that to scare me off, but when I laughed in his face and reached out for a handshake I think he was more confused than anything. I had already broken past his defensive shield he put up to keep people away and went straight for being friendly despite him trying his damndest to push me away. Every morning for the first two weeks was the same.
"I would say good morning. He would tell me to drop dead. I would laugh and tell him to have a good day in class. Eventually, one morning instead of drop-dead he just said shut up. Out of habit I said make me, and neither of us were ready to deal with that. Both of our faces were a bright red as we scrambled out of the room to our classes. The next morning when I said good morning and he actually said it back I was very confused, but I can still remember the slight redness in his cheeks."
"That was the day I decided to push a little harder. I asked him if I could sit with him at lunch. He just rolled his eyes and said he didn't care, but he spent all of lunch sneaking glances that he thought went unnoticed."
I couldn't help but laugh at remembering what happened later that night when we got back to the dorm. "When we got back he finally got in my face and asked me what my deal was and why I was so persistent. Well, he was really close to my face and I couldn't stop thinking about how cute he was when he was angry so I just went for it. He was very confused but never pulled away. He thought I was messing with him at first until I finally downright asked if he would date me, even then he was a little suspicious. It took him like two months until he finally figured out that I wasn't trying to trick him in any way."
God that's so depressing even back then he was hurting and couldn't think of any reason someone would want him without it being a trick. No happy memories, happy memories. I shook my head trying to think of another one. I couldn't think of one as dark thoughts started to cloud my mind. No this isn't what I want.
"I remember," Levi started and I snapped out of my spiraling thoughts thankful for the interruption, "when Reiner was mouthing off per usual, and Jean finally thought that enough was enough. He threw a fireball right at his head. He ended up dodging it, but it left his shirt singed. I remember Auruo coming back into the class and yelling at Jean after that complaining that the wall was damaged. Reiner just sat there with a petty smirk knowing that he would get revenge."
"He did get revenge," I laughed remembering. "When Jean went to sit down in the cafeteria. He kicked the chair out before Jean could sit down and Jean's food went all over his brand new shirt."
"He had to throw the shirt away that day, but not before going to the rest of classes with food all over it," Levi finished and I let out a sigh.
"Times were a lot simpler back then. Do you think things will ever be that simple again?"
"I think so, but that's what we are fighting for, right?"
"Yeah." I took a deep breath and rolled on my side to look at Levi, "how do you do it? Deal with losing people?"
"Well, for a long time I didn't. I shut myself away from everyone and blamed myself for things out of my control. Which as we both know didn't work out very well. I still have trouble talking to people, even Eren and mom are hard to talk to sometimes. I know I can talk to them, but there's always that fight in my head that tells me I shouldn't. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you though."
"I know that, but maybe some things will."
"Well, talking to people sometimes helps, but when I can't bring myself to do that I talk to them. Even before Ymir told me they were around I used to talk to them. Tell them how my day went. Tell them I still miss them, tell them if I saw something that reminded me of them. I used to talk to them about my day if I had a good day or a bad day they would hear about it. When I was really depressed I would sit and try and remember some happy memories. I would go through old text messages and letters for a while." he continued listing things before just stopping.
"It took me a while to get to that point though. All of those things used to hurt like a knife twisting in my heart. I remember I used to ball my eyes out every night for years while trying to talk to them, but one day I was just able to do it without crying, without the excruciating pain, and son it started to feel more calming and soothing rather than just hurting."
"So it does stop hurting one day?"
"It never stops hurting," Levi sighed, "the hurt just becomes easier to tolerate. I know that might not sound very comforting, but think of it this way. That hurt is a reminder that you care. That you love them."
I just nodded and rolled back on my back. "Let's go back to the happy memories," I mumbled my thoughts already going back to dark ones. I wanted to stop it before it got too far.
"Yeah that seems to be working the best right now," Levi said before going back to laying flat on his back to listen to me ramble on.