Serving the Commander

Burying Ben

Back inside your room deciding now is as good of time as any to shower thinking back to James saying you looked rough 'what does he know and if he wants to try to win me back that definitely isn't the way to do it, idiot.' Inside the shower washing up letting the hot water cleanse your skin, mind wondering to Kylo 'I already miss him, I just don't understand why he didn't even tell me he was leaving that's so frustrating. One second he makes me feel like I'm the only person who matters and the next he dumps me like I'm not real...' finished with the shower stepping out wrapping the towel tightly around before walking into your room, rummaging through the closet 'I guess I don't need to dress up if he isn't even going to be here right?'

Choosing a relaxed dark pant and simple black shirt paired with some flats, hair wrapped tightly in a neat bun deciding on wearing no makeup instead letting your skin breathe for once only putting on a thin layer of gloss. Noticing the time catching yourself getting prepared to head to Kylo's room to get it ready for his return only to stop yourself 'oh yeah that's right, no point in doing that if he's not even here.' Standing for a moment thinking what you are going to do with your time before remembering the deserted room "oh yeah! I can go clean that up what else have I got to do?" Excitedly leaving your room collecting some supplies before sneaking towards the lounge "hey! Where are you headed too?"

Jumping dropping the duster before turning around to see James jogging up to you, sighing saying "oh it's just you, I'm just going to clean up a... um just a room I was assigned." He stops close to you picking up the duster "do you need any help? I'm actually pretty free righ..." cutting him off quickly "nope, no I'm good I can handle a little cleaning I'm not worthless you know." His face saddens "I never thought you were, alright I'll let you go, don't want to keep you from such important first order business. But if you need me, I am three doors down from your room, see you around." He turns heading in the opposite direction 'ugh why won't he just leave me alone!'

Once arriving at the lounge, slipping through the doors shutting them quickly behind you 'I'm not sure I should be in here, so I really don't want to get caught.' Breathing in deeply tracing the room wondering are in over your head 'this is a lot of cleaning' starting by pulling the old sheets off the sofas revealing their beautiful design darken wood carved into a curved design the cushions are covered in beautiful dark red velvet, now coughing at the puff of dust filling the room running your fingers along the top of the couch.

Moving on to the book shelves beginning to dust everything meticulously reading the titles to the books many of which you've already read but every now and then finding one, mentally marking it down to read if ever given the chance. Further along the wall finding a section with no titles curious pulling one down opening it to find it's another journal filled page by page with hand written words, the same penmanship as the one you looked at earlier. Placing the book back in its slot wondering who's journals these could have been none of them are signed with only a few dates here and there 'I feel like I'm invading someone's privacy, but obviously they haven't been in here to read or write in them for a very long time.'

Now focusing on the desk cleaning and wiping down each stacked journal occasionally peaking inside reading a few pages, most are filled with poems or stories that do not really make much sense only jumbled words placed awkwardly along the page. One poem catches your eye as you read,

*Dark of night

Woken, blinding green light

Betrayed by blood

Fear stained face

Heart pounding pace

Anger fueled rage

Pain engaged

Mourning

Destruction

Abandon self

Embrace coldness

Flee to darkness

Abandoning family

Burying Ben eternally*

Reading the words over and over such a simple poem but the feeling it brings sends shivers down your spine before placing the book back into its slot 'who is Ben? Who hurt them so badly?' Noticing now the room is beginning to get dark searching for a light switch surprisingly there isn't one but there is plenty of half burned candles scattered around 'who makes a lounge with no lights? I don't have any matches with me I guess I'll have to call it a night, I'll bring some with me next time.' Smiling at the little progress you have made before slipping back out into the hallway looking around to see if anyone has noticed you, thankful the hallway is empty as you head towards your own room.

Just before entering hearing the annoying low rasp of James's voice "hey (y/n) wait up!" Turning around not sure why you are even humoring him sighing, "what James?" He walks up to you pulling his hand from behind his back revealing a single white rose "I was snooping around the base and found a few vases of flowers this one reminded me of you so I snagged it, here." He says holding out the rose, standing there staring at him blankly before saying "really James? You stole a puny rose from the first order for what? To impress me?" He reaches out grabbing your hand his touch startling you as he places the rose on your palm "just take it please, you deserve presents now and again even if they are stolen." Laughing he closes your fingers around the stem his hand resting on yours longer than you realize before pulling away "uh, thanks I guess... look I don't exactly know what you're expecting James but you really hurt me and I feel like you are wasting your time trying to win me back or whatever it is you're doing."

He watches before saying, "it's been three years we were young; I was stupid I made a momentary mistake that you've held against me for too long now." Body tensing saying "I will hold that against you forever, you were my everything my first real relationship, my first lover, the person I thought I'd marry honestly. Then you went and messed it all up on a momentary mistake, I am only going to say this once. I will always love you James as much as my brain tells my heart to let you go I never can fully, but if you think I'm just going to come running back to you that's foolish. You'd need to do a lot more than just a stolen rose to win me back." His face lights up saying, "so you're saying I have a chance?" Frustrated saying "no that's not what I'm saying we're you even listening! You know what, never mind I'm tired I'm going to go to bed you have a nice night."

Turning entering your room before giving him the chance to say anything else, once inside noticing you actually are tired setting the rose on the edge of your bed so you can change into your pajamas. After ordering dinner and eating sliding into bed leaning down pulling the rose up closer to you, bringing it to your nose inhaling the scent 'it smells so good and really it was kind of nice to receive.'

Bringing yourself closer to sleep mind filling with images of James the bond you two once shared the intense love as it mixes with the painful memories between the two of you, the images swirl into a fog with new memories this time involving Kylo his strong frame cuddling you close his embrace warming you with feelings of safety, lust, and hope. Now with the loneliness of the night feeling the overwhelming longing feeling to be next to him, still confused why he left without saying goodbye picturing his chiseled face, each curve of it, every freckle the pinkness of his lips. Getting lost in the thought of his honey eyes slipping into a deep sleep, dreaming of Kylo but clutching the rose gifted by James.