Serving the Commander

Excuses

Most of you wants to skip lunch with the commander, not wanting to ruin this job opportunity it's the best you've ever had but also being terrified he would kill you if you didn't show up. Walking into the dining hall a few minutes late noticing it is empty besides the already set table, sitting you patiently wait.

Minutes go by, awkwardly shuffling in the seat 'where could he be? Why did he invite me if he isn't even here?' Watching as the steam once leaving your plate fades now, even more irritated than before crossing your arms slouching back into the chair. For what seems like an hour of waiting before standing and pushing the chair into the table much harder than realizing, as it causes the wine glass to tip over shattering across the table.

'I can't believe I fell for that crap; he doesn't think about me he has no interest in getting to know me. I'm nothing more than a pair of stained underwear to him.' Taking the panties from your pocket tossing them on top of the broken glass before marching out "what an asshole."

Back inside your own room slumping onto the bed holding back tears, grabbing onto your pillow clutching hard feeling the hot stream falling from your cheeks. 'This is exactly why I don't allow myself to feel anything for anyone. Didn't I learn last time?' Images of the last guy you thought you'd ever be involved with cross your mind, the late nights the romantic dinners, the incredible sex and strong bond you thought you shared as they fade into finding him in bed with your old roommate.

'I'm not made for love and it definitely isn't made for me. Why had I hoped this could be different?' "Screw him." You say, "you can't just tell someone you think about them all the time and then stand them up, it doesn't work like that Commander Ren." Crying for what seems like hours finally pulling yourself out of it, after all you hardly even know him.

Walking to the vanity removing your now ruined makeup frowning at your puffy red eyes 'you are too strong to let a grumpy sad boy effect you like this.' Shrugging, "his loss, I'm fucking bad ass." Chuckling standing tall heading towards his room 'I'm not going to let him think he's won by not showing up.'

Arriving to his quarters walking in, going to his bed pulling his covers back leaving them messy and clumped not giving a shit if they are to his standards. Heading to the bathroom turning the water on lukewarm 'I hope it's cold by the time you get in you asshole.' Skipping the oils and soaps tonight; he does not deserve any special treatment.

Not wanting to spend any more time inside his room, leaving turning down the hall you are met with the commander walking in your direction. Holding your head high striding past him "(y/n) I need to explain earil.." cutting him off "no commander you really don't, it's fine no sweat off my back. I am your employee and that's it, that's all I want to be anyways." As you keep walking past his now stopped figure, around the next corner falling against a wall before catching your breath 'I don't care what stupid excuse he has, he could have tried to find a way to tell me.'

Once again feeling the hot streak of tears begin to fall from your face racing to your room, inside collecting yourself before heading to the bathroom for a shower. The steam fogging the bathroom creates the perfect atmosphere allowing your mind to wonder back to the other asshole who hurt you, James was the type of man who makes you think you've finally found the one. He was tall and handsome, fit and charming, said all the right words and touched you in all the right ways.

At least at first, you recall the times he would bring up pointless fights blaming everything on you. Making you feel like the smallest person in the universe if that was even possible, to the times he would ignore you for days making you believe it was an acceptable punishment for whatever you had done. To the ultimate heart break of finding him with her, the thought causing you to crumble to the floor head in your hands sobbing.

'I'm not the type of person someone falls in love with.' Staying on the floor of the shower arms wrapped tightly around yourself until the water runs cold, stepping out avoiding your reflection before getting dressed sliding into bed not bothering with the pillows pushing them to one side. Lying in the fetal position picturing the features of Kylo's face, strong and beautiful "I thought you could be different." Falling asleep later than you wanted after finally accepting you can't cry anymore in one day.

Waking to Doris slightly shoving you "get up at once my dear, you are incredibly late." Turning to the opposite side saying "I'm sorry Doris I just can't make myself do this today..." tugging at the sheets she replies "oh nonsense honey you can do anything you put your mind too" before you know it you are sobbing again into the pillow. Doris places her hand on your back "my dear girl what is the matter?" Trying to think of a lie you say "I was informed of the loss of a good friend of mine and I can't find the energy to do anything... at this point I don't care if he fires me." Hearing her stand as she replies "I'm so sorry for your loss sweetheart, don't you worry I've found myself incredibly bored I will do your duties today you just relax I'll take care of everything, okay." Thanking her before pressing your face back into the soft pillow, momentarily feeling bad that she is doing your job for you, the feeling quickly leaves as you decide to take a long much needed depression nap.