This morning I was really jet lagged & wasn't feeling good at all. Yesterday I flew in to spend sometime with Ansel. We had to make time for us even in the middle of him shooting part 2 of divergent. To be honest things between Ansel & I are a bit rocky at the moment. Why and how? .....It's a combination of everything, the distance, the traveling, work, lack of privacy & sadly I feel Ansel slipping away.
There is no other horrible feeling than seeing someone you love & hold so dearly and closely to your heart slipping away & possibly into the arms of another woman.
I've been noticing Ansel's ways especially when he's around Shailene. I know they are close friends...& I'm very jealous but even in my jealousy woman have natural instincts about men & their lustful ways. The thing is Shailene is so nice & so humble & I honestly don't have a problem. We speak and hang out if I'm around. & I get that she has a special bond with Ansel. She's a problem but not really.....she flirts sometimes but it's harmless. Shailene is kinda that girl were she knows what roll everyone plays in her life....& gladly I know & see that she just wants a friendship with Ansel.
Right now I'm just trying to hold on but if he lets go I drop. I won't know how to even bare that.
Strangely enough when I got there Ansel was acting weird around me. But low & behold Shailene had a kissing scene & so that explains it. I watched the screen then I looked at him trying to act like nothing is wrong with him.
It was time for a break & Ansel wanted to go out for lunch. So we left together on this rainy day. While in the car Ansel made some small talk with me but the rain & my window seat view kept me intrigued. This I feel is me slowly slipping into a depression. I love him so much but I'm so far away & I don't know what to do.
"Still jet lagged?" Ansel asked
"Very much...you have no idea" I said simply with great acting I was interested in what he was saying.
We ate lunch & headed back. Once we were back we walked slowly & he grabbed my hand. Now I feel weird.
"Babe?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you mad at me?..you don't seem like you want to be here with me....it's like your mind is somewhere els what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry, I seem that way. I'm just off...it's one of them days for me"
"What can I do to make you smile. I feel like I haven't made you smile since you got here? You don't smile much anymore...why?"....something is on your mind . I can tell"
"I'm ok honestly, are you ok with me ?"
"Yes of course, what makes you think otherwise?"
"I've just been feeling lately I can't make you happy anymore....I guess I've just been worried...& stressing about us....I wanted to think I was crazy but I don't think I am anymore"
"You are crazy"
"Oh I am"
"Yes you are crazy....your crazy having those kind of thoughts, your my number one girl, nobody makes me feel the way you do. It's impossible. "
"Ansel I want you to know I really love you. I hope you realize that. I can't go nowhere unless your not taking me"
"Stay by my side always, I like you better that way."
"Same....same here"
"I have to change so I'll be back crazy"ansel said then kissing me. He then left to go change & I went to sit on the off set to see what scenes there doing. I guess our talk helped but I doubt it resonated in his mind. I'm not to sure on whether to be content & trust him or stay like a fly on the wall & just watch him slip away.
