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Review by Gnome: Stormbringer

Title: Stormbringer: King

Author: RainingStorms

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4.5/5

I think you have a really interesting summary! Short, to the point, but powerful.It has everything there: characters, setting, dilemma and the stakes. I think your use of short sentences was really good, and added a lot of emphasis—but doing it too much can make if lose some of its power. I recommend you also have different sentence types in your summary so that you could still retain some emphasis and power in those shorter sentences. Other than that small nit-pick, well done with your summary!

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your grammar was actually quite good, and I didn't notice any mistakes or typos. Actually, your only main problem was dashes.

Here's an example from your story, and I'll explain why it's wrong:

They had been alright so far— no one had recognised them while walking.

It should be:

They had been alright so far—no one had recognised them while walking.

There is actually no need for a space after (or before) an em dash, and it's technically incorrect. However, there is an exception to this rule. If the sentence breaks off abruptly, and you capitalise the next phrase after, it works. Here's an example from your story that could count:

"No— Well, not necessarily."

Things like that makes it acceptable to have a space after an em dash.

I also noticed a consistency error from Chapter 20 onwards. You changed the style of dash. It went from (—) to (-). I recommend using the same style all throughout your story as consistency is important!

Characters: 3/5

I liked how different Xenor and Storm were from each other. Xenor was rude, indifferent, but extremely smart; Storm was kind and had a good heart. Well done showing their differences. However, I did have some problems which I'd like to discuss.

Firstly, while I understand Xenor is a prodigy, realistically nine year olds don't act like that. In fact, I always felt that the characters (specifically the children) always acted years older than they really were. Some people mature faster, yes, but it wasn't very realistic and it was hard for me to believe people their age would do things like that. Also Xenor, and this applies to Slayen as well, swore way too much for their ages. People that age probably might know swear words, but they won't actually say it as excessively as both of them do.

I also found Xenor's character very contradicting, especially in the beginning. For example, he says he wouldn't hurt his brother in the chapter with the first sparring match, yet he proceeds to beat him up. This can work, if his motives are properly shown and it explains why he is the way he is and does the things he does. Keeping too many things in the dark can make things very confusing.

I actually found Xenor and Storm's relationship really interesting. It was toxic, yes, but also quite realistic. Keep away from outright telling the problems and showing it to the readers, however. Other than that, you did a good job with your characters. I liked a lot of their names as they were different!

Writing Style: 3/5

I think you had a nice, vast vocabulary which really improved the quality of your descriptions! I liked how well their eyes were described, too. I did have some problems with your writing style however.

Firstly, and I get told this a lot myself, too, try to refrain from using an excessive amount of shorter paragraphs. I completely understand its importance for emphasis, but doing it too much (which I noticed quite a lot in earlier chapters) can make it lose its power.

Another thing I noticed was that, in the prologue, you kind of told the brothers' personality instead of showing it to us. Don't tell us Xenor could be smart—or maybe even overthrow the king—show it to us using evidence from his actions. This makes it more believable to the readers.

You also had quite a lot of similar sentence structure. Here's an example:

The advisor smiled...

Storm nodded...

Bayne stood...

As you can see, these sentences have a similar structure in the beginning (subject + verb). This can make it sound a bit stilted and robotic, and is noticeable when done three times or more in a row. I recommend doing a quick read through to find them!

Lastly, you also had a problem with redundancy. That's, to put in simple terms, when you repeat a word, phrase, or overall idea multiple times in the same sentence. Here's an example of a redundant sentence:

Slayen's little sister, Storm thought, then grimaced at the thought.

Here, you repeat "thought" twice. Try either rephrasing it or using a synonym (be careful with the latter as synonyms aren't always interchangeable). I recommend doing a reread to find them, too, as they are easy to slip through during editing.

Other than that, you had a good writing style that was easy to read and made the story quite enjoyable!

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I enjoyed reading your story! I liked the air of the world, and although almost all fantasy tropes are overused, I enjoyed your spin on it! There's not much to say here, but I did feel like the main plot—the one about the Stormbringer—was barely mentioned throughout the 21 chapters I read. It was never explained what it really was, nor was it used to decide who would be the next heir (as, considering both their parents died, there would need to be another ruler—and if they are under eighteen then there should be regent). Other than that, well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

An interesting fantasy story, I liked seeing Storm and Xenor's relationship developing! A few things to work on—such as character realism, redundancy and sentence structure, and dashes—but other than that, good job! Hope this helps!