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Review by Sunshine: The Los Angeles Lighthouse

Title: The Los Angeles Lighthouse

Author: Noah_Glass

Note: As always, since this is a complete book and I have no self-control, this review will contain spoilers. If you are not the author and/or you do not want to be spoiled, read at your own discretion. 

Summary: 5/5

What an excellent summary! I love the way you introduce the setting, the protagonist, the conflict, and hint at the stakes – it's pretty clear that, with the folklore involved, things can get messy. I love your dramatic, one-sentence paragraphs, I love the thoughtful manner in which the summary is written, and I am honestly so excited to continue reading. Well done! I don't have much to say here because I do think this is a perfect summary.

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your story was pretty polished, and if it had been any other reader, they probably wouldn't have noticed any errors in your writing. However, since I'm a bit fussy – and I saw that you were looking for feedback in the disclaimer – I thought I'd point out some of the mistakes I found. Some of them are bigger, punctuation roles; some are minor things that just need polishing.

First of all, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"You've got to be kidding me," my mouth dropped.

'My mouth dropped' does not refer to how the dialogue is spoken. It should be:

"You've got to be kidding me." My mouth dropped.

Also, when you are using a verbal tag and use a comma before the closing inverted commas, you don't need to capitalise the next word – after all, it still is one sentence. For example:

"You're fully conscious," A hoarse voice from behind croaks.

It should be:

"You're fully conscious," a hoarse voice from behind croaks.

Next, be careful that you're not mixing up words that are similar – such as "your" and "you're". For example:

"Your a wind specialist."

Since you were trying to say 'you are a wind specialist', you need to use the contraction of 'you are'. It should be:

"You're a wind specialist."

Another common mistake was that you would constantly mix up 'lose' and 'loose'. Lose is the verb that is the antonym of win, and loose is an adjective that means 'not tight'. You also spelt prologue as prolouge, which is incorrect (unless you were purposely trying to be fancy?

The rest of the errors I found – and there were actually quite a few of them – seemed to be mostly typos. I'll go through a few of them with you, but please bear in mind that not all of them have been covered and that an overall edit of the story would be great for polishing these.

When I got down to the training room, it's brings forth a wave of memories.

I think you're missing a word after "it's" (it's what brings forth a wave of memories?), or you were trying to just say that it brings forth a wave of memories.