Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Nathan: Beyond the Veil

Title: Beyond the Veil

Author: cool_reader_

Reviewer: NathanRound

Summary: 4/5

So many great things happening within your summary. You include all the fundamentals: an introduction to the plot, the key themes, the conflicts the protagonist faces. I like that rhetorical question, it's such a good hook to get the reader into your novelisation. Great Job!

The only thing I'd like to point out is that last paragraph:

So when she starts seeing the predictions of her death caused by a strange woman, she tries to discover the person that is going to cause her death, she soon faces the worst truth of her life...

You say the line 'cause her death' twice and I'm sure it's an unintentional use of repetition. Personally, I think this line will read a lot better if you changed the wording slightly. Also, that last little bit that reads 'she soon faces the worst truth of her life...' could benefit from being a sentence of its own. As a result, it will put more emphasis onto this 'truth' that the protagonist will discover.

So, when she starts seeing the predictions of her death caused by a strange woman, she tries to discover her future killer before it's too late. However, in her desperate attempt to prevent her murder, she soon faces the worst truth of her life...

You may use this example if you wish.

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar is superb! Your narrative contains very little grammatical errors and can be read incredibly smoothly as any errors that do arise generally go unnoticed. Your grammar is so on point in fact, that I don't really have much to focus on here.

However, there is one instance where you forgot to start a new line after a new speaker:

A look of pain flashed in her daughter's eye. "But mother..." she started, only to be cut off by Edna's piercing words. "Out, now!"

It should be:

A look of pain flashed in her daughter's eye. "But mother..." she started, only to be cut off by Edna's piercing words.

"Out, now!"

Furthermore, there was one instance where the wording of a particular sentence kind of threw me off:

She let out a muffled sob as she held cried into her soft pillow.

I'm sure it's unintentional, but the 'held' in this sentence does not hold any particular value:

She let out a muffled sob as she cried into her soft pillow.

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing style is fairly good and is almost reminiscent of my own when I first started writing. You pay a lot of attention to moving the plot forward in a linear fashion and waste no effort on rambling on about anything that isn't relevant to the plot. You have a vision, and you get closer to that vision with each chapter. The ending of your chapters are perfect, you end them at a good note and sometimes end them on a cliff-hanger which leaves the readers longing for more.

However, and you said this yourself, there is a pacing issue in your story. A fast pace is fine, but I feel that there are some parts where your story would have benefited with a steadier and slower pace. This is especially true with those tense scenes that kind of fell flat as they were over in mere seconds. Think of it this way:

In a horror story (for example) you want to slow down the pace of the story in crucial and frightful moments to create the feeling of tension. You want to get the feeling of impending doom across by lengthening the story to make the reader fear what's around the corner. And you stretch it out, just long enough until you finally deliver what it is the reader was expecting- or not expecting.

Directors use a similar technique in movies. They lengthen a scene and utilise very little audio in order to create a very tense and uneasy atmosphere. Of course, your work isn't a movie, but lengthening out certain moments, and withholding from dumping the information onto us will definitely help declutter the speedy way in which your scenes play out in.

In that chapter where the mystery woman writes the blooded message on Elizabeth's wall, you kind of tell us what happens in a very quick and awkward fashion, and it just kills the fright factor. Your story isn't bad because of it, but it could certainly benefit with slower more intense scenes.

Another point I'd like to make is the fact that your characters thoughts seem to blend in with the narrative. I would advise that you write internal thoughts in italics just to separate them from the reset of the narrative. I feel that this is vital for you don't always have to follow a thought with 'he thought' or 'she thought.' Without these tags, I feel that it would be hard to identify a thought from the rest of the narrative, which is why I think it is crucial that you write a character's thoughts in italics.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

A mystery thriller, following a girl who has foreseen her own death at the hands of a serial killer, who possesses a very peculiar and unclear motive? Screams uniqueness to me. I adore the plot; you blend the genres of fantasy, mystery and thriller together to create a very interesting and intriguing narrative. The methods in which the murderer utilises to kill their victims are creative and chilling to say the least. Great job!

Character Building: 3/5

I see you've gone to great lengths in developing Elizabeth's character. We get quite a few glimpses of her past, especially in events that involve her father as they heavily relate to the plot. We see the world through her eyes, and the way her thoughts and emotions are conveyed build quite a lot of depth to her character.

The same can also be said for Elizabeth's mother. We aren't exactly sure why she acts the way she does to her daughter, and in term it makes the reader despise her. Right until the reason is revealed, and as a result we feel a shimmer of sympathy.

Detective Ricosta and Detective Parker don't exactly scream Detective to me. They don't sound the part and seem kind of incompetent though I'm sure it's unintentional. They aren't exactly believable, and come off as very unprofessional at times. I'd advise that you try to flesh out their characters a bit more, revise some of their dialogue, and do a little bit of research on how a detective operates.

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25