Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Money Hearts

Title: Money Hearts

Author: mortaltendencies

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary most definitely intrigued me. As the reader, I can immediately feel underlying tension between Eleanor and Isaac, and there is a clear goal stated in the summary, which is great. I found the structure quite interesting – you start with the current goal, but then talk about how something happened in the past that makes them want nothing to do with each other.

Personally, I thought your summary could use some fleshing out. Why would they want to uncover the motive of this old friend? Why should the reader believe that they are not just a new student in town? What is so suspicious about them that makes Eleanor and Isaac have to team up?

And maybe consider restructuring your summary so that is starts with "Eleanor Lockhart and Isaac Crawford want nothing to do with each other, and there is a reason for that – [insert explanation]. However, when an old friend returns after disappearing for six years [insert brief explanation about why this is suspicious], they must..."

That way, the summary feels more cohesive. Otherwise, I'm excited to read on! Side note: I just opened up your book and read the 'synopsis' on the inside, and I think that's a perfect summary. Also, hang on, Rose in a Heartful of Thorns? I think I reviewed one of the earlier drafts for this? Maybe? I guess I'll find out. 

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, you definitely know the rules when it comes to grammar and punctuation. If there were any errors I found, it was mostly due to typos or little slips.

However, watch out for punctuation and dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm just a phone call away, right?" he'd turned his body completely towards me.

It should be:

"I'm just a phone call away, right?" He'd turned his body completely towards me.

Also, watch out for when the dialogue is interrupted by action. Instead of:

"They" his eyes darted to the left, "need me for something."

Instead, em dashes should be used so that it looks like:

"They"—his eyes darted to the left—"need me for something."

Also watch out for missing commas. For example:

He'd grown handsomely tall donning silver glasses, a grey suit and crisp black hair.

You need to make sure there is a comma between 'tall' and 'donning' like so:

He'd grown handsomely tall donning silver glasses, a grey suit and crisp black hair.

Next, watch out for a few slips with tenses. For example:

I ran my fingers through my curled hair before blowing a kiss at my reflection, relishing the way my peach-painted lips melt into an immaculate smile.

If we break that down, it looks like:

I ran my fingers... [ran = past tense]

... peach-painted lips melt into an immaculate smile. [melt = present tense]