Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: His Target

Title: His Target

Author: lolaalvilivi

Summary: 4.5/5

This felt like a very sleek and professionally written summary. You introduce the main character, the stakes, the side characters, and the overall conflict – and I like the way you tie it into Maya's entire life being a lie. It felt very clever, and I'm very excited to continue reading, which is a good indication that your summary is great. I loved the use of rhetorical question, and overall, I don't have much to critique.

However, one quick note: if you're going to include an excerpt, please make sure the excerpt is grammatically correct. I'll talk more about what the problem is in the grammar section, but basically, you wrote:

"You knew I'd come back for you, sweetie." the intruder said with an evil grin.

And it should be:

"You knew I'd come back for you, sweetie," the intruder said with an evil grin. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Your story, overall, definitely needs some polishing. It's pretty easy to follow, however, you have a lot of typos, a lot of spelling errors, and there are some grammatical errors that you are consistently making. But that's okay – let's go through them.

First of all, in your summary, I changed a full-stop before the closing inverted commas into a comma. That's because: if dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Tell her to do such a thing again and I'll shoot her right infront of you, you pathetic bitch." The silvery eyed man said.

Since 'he said' directly refers to the dialogue, it should be:

"Tell her to do such a thing again and I'll shoot her right in front of you, you pathetic bitch," the silvery eyed man said.

Additionally, you'll notice that I changed 'infront' to 'in front'. That is because 'infront' isn't a word. Similarly, 'everytime' is not a word – it should be 'every time'.

Let's go through another example of the dialogue and punctuation rule:

"Get of my girl, Jack." Mr Nicolls called out.

It should be:

"Get off my girl, Jack," Mr Nicolls called out.

Again, another change I made was that 'of' became 'off', since you referring to the one that means 'as to remove or distance'. Also make sure you know the difference between losing and loosing, and watch out for typos. You had a lot of them, and while it was pretty easy to work out what you were tyring to say, I do recommend polishing it. Here are some examples:

"Why don't we do come cooking?"

I think you meant 'some' instead of 'come'. Again:

... not as bug as Shawn."

Big, instead of bug, I believe you were trying to say.

Derek stared pacing around the room.

I think you meant 'started' instead of 'stared'.

There were plenty of other ones to look out for, but I'll move onto quotation marks. Sometimes, you were inconsistent with them. For example: