Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Gnome: Wings of Storm

Title: Wings of Storm

Author: draphy

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 5/5

That's a fantastic summary you've got there. It really, really intrigued me—and I was super excited to dive right in! I read over it many times, and there wasn't really anything I could say to improve about it! However, there was one little tweak I, personally, would have made—but it's something that's pretty small and unimportant:

But if a butterfly's wings can bring thunderstorms, then his every breath is a flap that it flies, his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.

Firstly, I adore the fact that this links to the butterfly in your cover and your title, it's a great way to wrap it all up together. Secondly, I'd actually put a semicolon after "flies" like so:

But if a butterfly's wings can bring thunderstorms, then his every breath is a flap that it flies; his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.

Semicolons are used when, and I quote, "a punctuation mark (;) indicating a pause, typically between two main clauses, that is more pronounced than that indicated by a comma". When I first read the sentence with a comma, it did sound a little off, but this is just a small suggestion. 

I absolutely adore the summary, and I'm very excited to read on!

[ray_of_sunshine9 here to say that I, personally, would use a dash instead, since that second clause isn't really independent. A semicolon would also be fine, since, these days, writers use incomplete sentences anyways for emphasis. As a bit of a traditionalist, I'd consider: 

But if a butterfly's wings can bring thunderstorms, this his every breath is a flap that it flies -- his every heartbeat a danger to those around him.]

Grammar: 3/5

In general, your grammar was impeccable; you certainly knew what you were doing! There were some moments that I felt it needed to be corrected, but there weren't that many.

One of your main issues was commas. Commas are really hard, so I understand, but there were some times where I had a hard time reading a sentence due to a lack of comma. One example would be:

Nine going on ten years old.

(This is from Chapter 1.1.) This is a small error—and I'm being really picky—but it would be easier to read if it were written as:

Nine, going on ten, years old.

Another example: 

The kids yelled at the nearest ones to catch it and screamed in bravado as they tried just that.

It can be a bit hard to read sentences that are long without any commas, so I suggest you add one here:

The kids yelled at the nearest ones to catch it, and screamed in bravado as they tried just that.

This is just so it is an easier read.

A small error I found: 

'But I need my free time,' My voice croaked, and my throat closed in too tight to continue.

You forgot to change the comma to a period, and you're missing a comma (which could also be a semicolon). I think you meant:

'But I need my free time.' My voice croaked, and my throat closed in, too tight to continue.