Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sinhoe: Shattered Wings

Title: Shattered Wings 

Author: Lunathecutegamer

Reviewer: bangtanforever355

Summary: 3/5

The summary was okay, but I really don't like the dialogue - somehow, they won't just click in. It's maybe because of the plot. Also, please leave some space after writing the dialogue.

Tip: Try refining the dialogue part and use some space.

Grammar: [no score - not added to final score]

First of, I have mentioned in my form that I'll not focus on grammar. That's why I'll not give any marks, but just to help you, these are some of the grammar mistakes I noticed.

"There are people who'd miss if you died."

The sentence doesn't make sense.

It should be: 

"There are people who would miss you if you died." 

Another one:

"Who would even miss me if I did died?"

It would be did die.

There were many more grammatical errors so I would suggest you to get your book edited to remove the typos and correct the grammatical errors.

Writing Style: 4/5

Your writing style was fine, I have no complaints about it. Just add more spaces in between paragraphs, as it was difficult to read.

Character Building: 2/5

THE FOLLOWING PART MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS .

Luna: Luna's overall character was okay but the things I didn't like was how Luna keeps on stuttering in her dialogue. Like, it was not mentioned if she actually has problems with speech - so why would she keep on stuttering in most of the dialogue? Like I know she's very weak and all, but still, it's alot of stuttering.

Tip: Try to lessen the stuttering part.

Again, not to be insensitive with your character, but if I am honest, her falling down and crying and screaming in the second chapter was unecessary. Even if you want to add it, you may want to introduce it more nicely. Like maybe you can show her walking around and see a man who looks similar to her rapists or let her watch a rape scene in a movie or something.

Tip: I would suggest to cut this part, for you already have her encountering that girl who was bleeding, but if you really want to add it, introduce it to the readers better.

Also, in the first part where Luna was just gonna commit suicide, it was absurd for them liking her for her breast - I don't know but it just doesn't feel right.

Tip: Try changing breast to body. Like, why do I have such dirty, sinful body - or something like that.

Leó: Don't you think it's a bit too unrealistic that the man who saved Luna started crying too? Like why would he cry for a stranger?

Tip: Try changing it to 'but when I saw his gloomy look with nothing but compassion and gloominess, I changed my mind' or something like that. 

Also, lessen the stuttering here too.

Plot + Originality: 1/5

The plot is unique - I will not deny that. But the plot was way too unrealistic.

First of all, Luna and Leó just met, why would Leó want to protect her? I mean there's no solid reason for him to protect her.

Tip: Try making Leó her childhood friend or love interest, about which Luna is unaware. It'll also allow you to add more mysterious vibes to Leó.

Second, they just met why are they already having sex!?

Tip: I would say to keep the sex part out for now, although, if you really want to add it, then work on Luna's character - make her feisty and lusty. But then again, it'll contradict with your plot, so I'll suggest to keep it out, at least from the first chapter. Though you can always show Leó being sexually frustrated, but only if you change his character to be Luna's childhood friend or love interest.

Also, I have another amazing idea for the plot ! Maybe make Leó look like an antagonist first, like he saved Luna because he wanted to have sex with her - wanted to use her - but then he changed his mind when she got to know Luna more. (just a suggestion)

The smut part felt a bit cliché, work on it a bit.

Also, the part that blew my mind the most was she had a fractured leg, how did they have sex!? [okay, ray_of_sunshine9 to quickly intervene - it's definitely possible. However, if the scene is described in detail, make sure you make it clear how they work around it, if you know what I mean.]

OVERALL SCORE: 10/20

No book is perfect. Your book had some flaws but it's fine -- work on it a bit and I'm sure it will be a really amazing book!