Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Lone Wolf: Doomsday

Title: Doomsday

Author: hridiv

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 3/5

Overall, it sounds interesting! But it feels like the very first sentence is a run-on (with a few repeated words). I suggest splitting it up. Also, using an abbreviation without writing it out first doesn't look too good. I suggest just keeping it as Alien Research Program (without the parentheses or abbreviation), since it's just the summary. The sentence saying 'youth having good combat skills and knowledge...' sounds a little awkward to me. Here's my suggestion for that paragraph:

When the hope left dwindles away, NASA forms the Alien Research Program. Youth possessing great combat skills and knowledge of science are recruited to help. Can these teenagers manage to fight the aliens or will the world fall?

The last sentence to me didn't really make sense to me and teenagers was spelled wrong.

Grammar: 2/5

There are a lot of tense disagreements within your sentences, as well as dialogue tags errors (misplaced commas or periods where they shouldn't be). I don't think English is your first language, as there are many misspellings and grammar errors.

It'd be better if you asked for an editor to go through (instead of me pointing out everything I saw in the chapters I read.)

Character Building: 1/5

There wasn't really much of this. We're introduced to Larry and his routine, he's warned about the invasion and seems to take it in a stride and then somehow manages to make these incredibly deadly UFOs and aliens go away. It feels like you're trying to rush everything and in the end, there are holes within the story. How can a kid who was just knocked out somehow get ahold of NASA (a worldwide known institution) and why would they suddenly respond to him? There's no way that makes sense to me.

Writing Style: 1/5

There are grammar errors everywhere. It didn't seem like you looked through before uploading it online. It's also severely lacking in descriptions. Telling the reader that it has eight appendages, four of which were arms and the other four were legs doesn't give any idea what they look like. It just tells us that it's an oversized spider. You combine dialogues of two different people; normally, they're separated.

You also switch the kind of point of view you speak with. As a writer, it's better to stick to either first person (being told from the main character, I this, I that) or third person (Larry this, told from an outsider's POV). The chapters also felt incredibly short (to me).

The lack of descriptions, coupled with the rash dialogues and rushed fight scenes makes this story a bland read.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

I love science fiction. And who doesn't love a good alien invasion story? Great job with the originality. I think it's interesting how you had a major organization turning to teens for help!

The lack of descriptions, coupled with the rash dialogues and rushed fight scenes makes this story a bland read to me. It didn't have as much of an impact as you probably were hoping for. It felt like (to me), that you just typed up the story as is, without editing it or even reading it before you posted it. Please go over it and read it, or correct any errors, before asking someone to review it.

OVERALL SCORE: 10/25