Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Whisper

Title: Whisper

Author: GnomeMercy

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

It's never easy scoring a summary for a short story, but overall, I think you've nailed it. You've mentioned that it's a short story, you mention the themes, and you even tell the reader why you are the person to write it. Honestly, I wish I found this back when I was writing about summaries for my writing advice book, because this is a perfect example of a summary for a short story. Excellent work. 

Grammar: 4.5/5

Not much to say here other than the fact that your grammar was perfect. There was only really one sentence I questioned – only because I read the story aloud to myself – that I thought I'd mention:

She would be driven by a need to hurt herself, and lock herself in her bathroom as she screamed at me to let go of the door handle.

I know it's not uncommon to but the comma before the conjunction, but in this case, because the 'lock' is still in the same tense as it would be if you wrote 'she would lock', I think you should remove the comma so that it is:

She would be driven by a need to hurt herself and lock herself in her bathroom as she screamed at me to let go of the door handle.

Another suggestion:

She would be driven by a need to hurt herself, and would lock herself in her bathroom as she screamed at me to let go of the door handle.

Characterisation: 4.5/5

I thoroughly enjoyed how ambiguous the characters were. In a short story, it's hard to build up such complex characters in such a small word count, but you've done it exceptionally. Your story was full of heart, and I could feel Akshay's pain and heartbreak bleed through the words. You recounted the events in a very realistic manner – with the right amount of details, with the right amount of quips, and the things that were recalled – such as the rusty door or the red – felt like very human things to recall. Even the bit about nothing rivalling chocolate showed us a bit of humour, even in times of darkness, which is a great way to show a bit more of the character.

We never did meet Rhea formally, but as readers, we are made to love her based on Akshay's commitment to her. However, if I did have to be a bit nit-picky, I'll say that I wish Akshay didn't just talk about her physical description at the start. Mind you, their relationship didn't feel superficial or anything with how much her cared for her, but we still don't really know why Akshay liked her.

Like, was there something about her smile? Her intellect? Was she kind? Did she get him in a way that no one else could?

Right now, we see her physical description, and it moves onto "it was safe to say I had utterly fallen for her." Again, I'm being super nit-picky because I loved this story and I loved Akshay, and I think that made me want to know more about Rhea and their love for one another. I did like the ambiguity, but I think it might be reassuring to get some details on Rhea that emphasise that Akshay didn't just love her for her appearance. 

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Gorgeous. It tells the story, it goes from past to present seamlessly, the dialogue – or, well, lack of it – is impactful. Italics are used effectively, I love the description you employ and how purposeful it is – and, again, how human it is – and I love the way you vary the sentence structure. You've mastered this style of writing, so well done!

There was only one thing that made me stumble a bit. You have a lot of sentences starting with "I did this", which is fine, since it is in first person and is quite reflective. But three in a row is when it gets noticeable. For example:

I never shouted at her...

I put a plaster on...

I wasn't surprised...

I waited for a while...

There was a quick 'forever' in between, but even then, it felt a bit awkward to read after a while. An exception, of course, is the end, where the repetition was used stylistically.

Anyways, excellent work over here. It really was gorgeous, and somewhat poetic, writing.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Again, I don't have much to say here because I've already said it all – I loved this a lot. It was heartbreaking, and emotion oozed out of every sentence. The story itself starts quite light and full of hope, but it slowly descends into heartbreak – and even though I saw the sad ending coming, the ending was still powerful and enough to make me stop and think.

You didn't romanticise anything – your short story had a clear purpose, and it achieved that purpose tactfully and masterfully. This is such an important topic, and stories like these need to be understood more – especially since it came from the perspective of someone who was there, but was not the one going through the suffering directly (of course, the suffering spread).

Excellent story, wonderful details, and beautiful characterisation. 

OVERALL SCORE: 18.5/20

Again, I have no words to describe how gorgeous this short story was. I recommend this to everyone who is comfortable reading about sensitive topics. Excellent job, and even though there's not much said here, I hope this review helps nonetheless.