Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Lone Wolf: Cookies

Title: Cookies

Author: dxstrange

Reviewer: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Summary: 4/5

It's pretty decent. I did notice the uncapitalized 'i' but it might've been to emphasize the texting? It feels like it's lacking a little bit in descriptions. Also, towards the end, you write 'cupid instantly sparks'. I don't usually see Cupid's name written like that (given he's involved in love). You could go cliché and say love instantly sparks, or attraction instantly sparks? It just sounds weird when you say Cupid (unless he's a character in this story?)

Grammar: 3/5

You've got some verb tense shifts within the fifth chapter (where it starts like normal chapter writing). The texts threw me off a little, since I'd expected a little more than just text messages (maybe you could write some of Remi's or Hunter's POV? Also, at the end of chapter five, you use the word sniffing and I think the better word would be sniffling as in:

Sniffling, he pulled the covers over his body and shortly drifted into the darkness.

Usually when you have something with a 's added to it (unless it's indicating possession), it's read as is and not has. I've seen that in some of your writing and just wanted to let you know.

If you're using a dialogue tag, use a comma and not a period:

"Let's go," his father said.

Character Building: 2/5

The text messages don't really seem to help build their character (at least, not Hunter's). I feel like it sounds really awkward (maybe because I tend to look at things realistically. It makes Hunter sounds desperate. Remi's responses seem realistic and fit his attitude. The descriptions of their looks only makes the situation seem more cliché...

I think you'd benefit if instead of just having text message chapters, write a little bit about each character's POV in the message only chapters. It'd make it more substantial and give insight as to what's going on, as opposed to just assuming stuff from said messages.

Writing Style: 1/5

The situation seems highly unrealistic (I tend to be a stickler for those kinds of things), and even more than the plot, it's the text messages that bothered me when I was reading them. It starts off as cute but gets creepy (and frankly), mildly annoying. Someone like Remi would seem like they'd stop talking to the person after the first day. 

Their texts seems like it's between two close friends who've known each other a while, not two complete strangers.

There is a huge lack of descriptions that makes it hard to imagine what's going on with the characters and their environments. Add emotions to the dialogues, describe minor things that only loners would pick up on. I can't recall if there was a certain month this was happening in, or you could use the weather as a hint? There's so much potential with this story (I'm a sucker for a good LGBTQ story!!), but the lack of descriptions and the grammatical errors make it hard to read at some points.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

Gay? Yes! (I'm a fujoshi, so I'm always looking for a good boyxboy story!!) I would say that it's definitely original in the characters, how they meet and what happens down the road.

I would suggest asking someone to help you edit and give tips on refining the story (such as adding descriptions or fixing tense shifts). It's really cute and I absolutely adore Remi and look forward to reading more some day!!

OVERALL SCORE: 13/25