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Review by Sunshine: Battle Incarnate

Title: Battle Incarnate

Author: AlphaBeta10

Summary: 3/5

You're on the right track with your summary! It's great that you introduced the setting and the concept, as well as the nine elements. You've also mentioned the protagonist in a clear, seamless manner. However, I would encourage you to flesh it out more.

For example, what is Riko's immense potential? What are his strong ambitions? What are theses stronger oppositions? Currently, the summary feels a bit vague, and that final sentence in your summary could use some work, as it is a little clunky in terms of phrasing.

 

Grammar: 3/5

Okay, so, overall, your story could use some polishing. Let's talk about some specific rules, shall we?

If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"This is your room." said Rin pointing towards the farthest room on the left on the first floor.

In that example, you need a comma instead of a period before the closing inverted commas. Furthermore, you're missing commas for cohesion, and you repeated 'on the' in the sentence, making it a little awkward. Consider:

"This is your room," said Rin, pointing towards the farthest room on the left of the first floor.

Next, watch out for tenses. You sometimes fluctuated between past and present tense – and this sometimes happened in a single paragraph. For example:

Standing shoulder to shoulder, neither were looking at each other. Finally, after a long pause and awkward silence between the two, she gets a reply.

It we break that down, it looks like:

... neither were looking at each other. [were = past tense]

... she gets a reply. [gets = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent throughout the story.

Overall, you have run-on sentences, sentences not ending with full-stops, and random capitalisation of words in the middle of sentences (when they are not proper nouns). For example:

The floors Were wooden coloured...

It should simply be:

The floors were wooden coloured... 

Characterisation: 3/5

I do adore Rin. She seems like quite a comedic character who dragged the protagonist into his journey, and I found it so amusing where she spilled the beans to Riko because she thought he had overheard everything – when, in reality, she was digging herself into a deeper hole. I do think her introduction could be done more smoothly, but I'll discuss this in the 'plot' section of the story. In all honesty, electric and air suits her – she's bubbly, energetic, and fun to read.

Riko seems like a very reasonable character. He gets suspicious at the appropriate times, he doesn't just throw himself into situations willingly, and he shows a lot of potential to grow and develop into someone who will take the dive – so great work there. With only six short chapters up, it's not easy to get a distinct impression on where the characters will go, but you've set up a reasonable foundation.

Do be careful – you do quite a bit of telling instead of showing. Don't tell us that she has a calm demeanour, or that he has a proud demeanour. Show it to us in the way they behave and respond to each other – otherwise, their personalities feel almost forced.

Also be wary of suddenly introducing a few characters at once. You bombarded us with physical descriptions of the new characters (Zen, Oromi and Teo), but since they're all introduced in one setting and time (and considering your story is also fast-paced), you need to slow it down and make them much more distinct for the reader. Give them an apt amount to speak (or, if they aren't the speaking time, emphasise that and draw on it to make them feel more distinct). Remember that you are more familiar with your characters than the reader, so make sure you slow it down to properly flesh out their traits. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Okay, so you did a lot of telling and not enough showing. In action scenes, which should be heated and intense, don't just write:

*Flame shot*

*Ice burst*

*Lightning bird*

Rather, consider describing it for us. What would we see if we were watching this take place? Also, what does it feel like to the person wielding the powers? I'll talk about this more in the plot section because it influenced realism, but in general, flesh out the scene. Show it to us.

Also, I would love it if you integrated the setting a bit more. I did like the detail that you used when Rin was touring Riko around the house, but rather than overwhelming the reader with all those descriptions at once, spread it out – show us the kitchen when Riko is actually in the kitchen and having a scene there. And describe it in a way that influences the tone and mood of the story.

Be careful of your descriptions sounding too formal, such as:

A tensed atmosphere was easily identifiable.

Consider making it more voice-driven. Consider having Riko feel the tension in the air, and show the reader how he felt the tension. Did it feel like electricity was buzzing in the air? Could he smell sweat? What would it feel like if we were there?

Also, be careful to avoid redundancy. For example:

"I noticed you yesterday when I was with my friends yesterday."

You've already said 'yesterday', so there is no need to repeat it. To make it sound less awkward, simply write:

"I noticed you yesterday when I was with my friends." 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I did enjoy how grand the opening was – it was a nice, significant place to start off the story. However, the whole encounter with Rin felt out of place. Why? It's because Rin drags Riko away because she said he overheard her with her friends. Since that is what made Rin encounter him, it's almost like the story started before that first chapter – and the reader wasn't there to see it.

To make the story feel more fluent, consider showing that moment to us. Consider starting the story with Riko overhearing Rin and her friends (or, well, not overhearing but seeing them talking). That way, when she begins to approach him, the reader has a niggling feeling that it's going to be significant, and it makes the story more coherent because we had seen her before.

Also, I love all things fantasy. However, my favourites are ones that are immersive – one that makes even the most fantastical of things feel completely real. While I love the magic and elements you're including, it's lacking that sense of realism because, whenever someone uses the magic, we don't really feel it. We don't know what they feel when they use it. Imagine you shoot a fireball out of your hands. What focus would it take? What would their hands feel like? What would their blood feel like? Show that to us – that way, you've added realism to your story and you've made it more immersive.

That aside, I love the direction of your story. Challenges are always fantastic ways of going about stories, as they usually have a clear direction and goal. Additionally, I am enjoying the political intrigue in the background – with hints about a corrupt government. I can't wait to see more of that. Well done! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, a fascinating concept with lots of original elements to it. I highly suggest going over your grammar, as well as showing instead of telling, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!