Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Unsinkable

Title: Unsinkable

Author: RimaWrites

In advance, I apologise if there are a lot of typos. Two of my fingers are bandaged together, so typing isn't all that easy. I was going to try writing this up later, when my fingers were free again, but I couldn't sleep with the thought of not completing a review on time. It's also quickly approaching midnight. So, sorry about typos! 

Summary: 4/5

I think your summary is pretty great! First of all, I think your summary is a great example of how quotations from the story should be presented in summaries. For one, you have a very whimsical and poetic introduction that briefly discusses the characters in a beautiful manner, and contrasting it, the final quote at the end is comedic and in a completely different style. Well done!

Overall, the summary introduces the two main characters in a succinct manner, and shows how their paths collide – great work. You need to polish the punctuation in your summary. For example:

"19 year-old student and waiter Sophie Callister had no idea what she was letting..."

To make it more fluent, it should be:

"19 year-old student and waiter, Sophie Callister, had no idea what she was letting..."

Additionally:

"Asher Grayson was no less than a beast but at the same time no less than a corpse."

To make it more fluent, try:

"Asher Grayson was no less than a beast but, at the same time, no less than a corpse."

Otherwise, great work. 

Grammar: 2/5

I know a lot of your chapters were unedited, so instead of focusing on small typos, I focused on the bigger grammatical errors that you are getting incorrect. This way, you'll be able to know how to fix the mistakes you are making.

As discussed above, you have quite a few run-on sentences due to a lack of punctuation. I suggest reading your story aloud and noting where you pause for the sentences to be fluent; those pauses usually suggest that you need punctuation. Additionally, you have instances of proper nouns not being capitalised (such as names), and the start of sentences not being capitalised. Also, whenever you use a comma, there must be a space after the comma. For example:

"Same by me,Tommy."

That is incorrect. It should be:

"Same by me, Tommy."

Next, tenses. You often went back and forth from past to present tense. For example:

"Living on my own was much more difficult than I thought it would be." [was = past tense]

"I have to do everything myself." [have = present tense]

You need to ensure you stick to one tense.

Now, the biggest issue I found revolved around dialogue. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"You look gorgeous, as always." I told her.

That is incorrect. Since "I told her" refers directly to the dialogue being spoken, it should be: