Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Sunshine: Partners in Crime

Title: Partners in Crime

Author: SilverFallz

Summary: [no score – not added to final score]

Your summary is quite intriguing. I love the way you introduce the protagonist, the world, and hint at the conflict at hand. I decided not to score it, though, since it's not a traditional summary, and chooses to be a bit ambiguous regarding the conflict and stakes. It's a nice stylistic choice, and I think it works for your story – great job!

Just a note. You wrote:

Everyone expect The Red Bloods.

I'm guessing you meant 'except' (excluding), instead of 'expect' (anticipating). 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar could definitely use a bit of work. Don't worry, though, I'm here to help by pointing out some of the rules that need brushing up.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. If dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'she exclaimed' – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question and exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Target located" I replied.

It should be:

"Target located," I replied.

Next, you have fluctuating tenses. For the most part, you remain in past tense, but there are moments where you switch into present. For example:

I was surprised that no one resisted his order. [was = past tense]

I think I'm actually going to puke. [think/am = present tense]

You need to go bac and make sure it is consistent.

Additionally, you have run-on sentences, questions missing question marks, proper nouns (such as 'I') that are not capitalised, and typos (aganist instead of against, strighter instead of straighter, and many more).

Also, you need to ensure you are including apostrophes whenever you use contractions. For example:

"Its me dumbass" Kara's voice taunted him.

Since you were saying 'it is me, dumbass', the 'it is' should be contracted so that it looks like:

"It's me, dumbass," Kara taunted.

Characterisation: 3.5/5

It was interesting having the perspective changes, and I think it was quite effective in your story. I loved seeing, for example, Lexi lie to Ash, only for the next chapter to reveal that he knew she was lying. Well done – I am an absolute sucker for that trope.

I think Lexi is a pretty awesome protagonist – being the old girl working under Derek, as well as the youngest. While she is tough, she has flaws that make here relatable and complex – such as her pride, as well as getting irritated when people express concern or pity. I'm intrigued by the eye colour dilemma that Ash noticed, and there's obviously more that we are yet to find out about her. Good work!

Be careful about info-dumping backstories. In the first chapter, in the span of a few paragraphs, we get told that she lost her parents, that she is training to be an assassin, how she met Kara, and the whole dynamic she deals with being the only girl under Derek. Consider showing some of them – consider having her rock up to training afterwards, only to have boys roll their eyes or hoot at her. Make us see it – don't tell it to us.

For example, it was incredibly effective when we got hints about Alexia's past with the Red Blood Assassins by having her ask rhetorical questions. That was a great moment – it makes the reader want to know more without overwhelming them with information.

Also, let's talk about Ash. The biggest thing we know about him is that he's almost hopelessly devoted to Lexi. Every time the chapter is in his perspective, he talks about her – talks about how he cares for her, or how he will protect her. It is sweet, but consider, for the future, making sure that his perspectives don't always revolve around Lexi (the scene was his flashback was good!).

Now, let's talk about their relationship. In chapter one itself, when Ash hugs Lexi, she feels her heart race – adorable. But then, when she's like, "What is happening to me? I never before felt this way about him..." – it's kind of weird. Normally, it's fine, but this is literally chapter one, and we are literally meeting these characters for the first time. When we hear that she never felt this way before, it's kind of disconcerting. Remember: you've got an entire novel planned out. It's okay to stretch out the romance aspect even more so that the reader can feel the development of the relationship themselves.

And be careful about repetition with character descriptions! We had Asher's eyes described as sea-green twice in chapter one, and once more in chapter two. We don't need to keep hearing about his eye colour. 

Writing Style: 2.5/5

Your story is fast-paced and cohesive, so good work. I do, however, think that you need to slow down the pace more to give the reader some descriptions and make them more immersed in your story. For example, let's go back to chapter one – you showed us the people in the night club, so great! But I didn't get any description on the music or the sweat or the colours.

And there are some great opportunities where you can describe the setting to show how competent your characters are. For example, in chapter eleven, when Lexi sprints outside to analyse the perimeter – show us her analysis. Show us what she surveys, and what an assassin really has to look out for. Make us feel her intellect.

That being said, there were moments of good description – such as when Asher described Derek's office. Good work! You also did describe the mansion but, once again, be careful of info-dumping. Do we need to know what is on every single floor of the mansion when the protagonist only needs to go to a single floor in that scene? If not, hold it off until it is relevant.

Now, please, if you're publishing a story on here and you're submitting it to reviewers to look at, please, please, please avoid the following:

"Maybe it was just me tho..."

"Did u just say Silvers?"

Please write 'u' as 'you' and 'tho' as 'though' – especially if you're asking reviewers to look at it in a professional light. Also, please don't write 'irufbsudfv' to show that your protagonist is exasperated. Describe it to the reader. Keep it professional. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

So far, even though there are quite a few chapters, we are yet to face a real dilemma or a real conflict. However, the direction of the story is clear – the introduction of Danielle and Lexi's impulsiveness in taking her aboard seems to influence the plot to come. I like the fast-paced action in the beginning, and I find the concept pretty fascinating – it reminds me a bit of Shadowhunters!

However, as mentioned above, the story lacks a bit of professionalism in the writing. Additionally, do be careful – there are some moments that feel almost absurd. When they kill Rick in the night club, I feel like it's important to show how meticulously they had to work to get out without getting busted. If he told the girls to scram, where did they even scram off to? Be careful of glossing over details like that – it makes those moments lack realism. 

OVERALL SCORE: 13/20

Overall, a great premise with promising characters. Make sure you work on professionalism and your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!