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Review by Gnome: Forbidden

Title: Forbidden

Author: OptimisticDragonfly

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

This is a completed story and the review may contain spoilers!

Summary: 5/5

A wonderful summary! Had me hooked! I was really interested in reading more, and I think you did a good job with it. It has all the elements of a summary, too: characters, setting, dilemma, and the stakes. However, if I were to be a little picky, I would recommend making the stakes a little more clearer to the reader. What would happen if they didn't complete their task on time? What would happen if they didn't do anything?—those are the sorts of questions you might want to think about when it comes to stakes.

It terms of grammar, it was pretty clear. There wasn't anything wrong that I noticed, so well done!

Grammar: 3.5/5

In terms of grammar, I think you did a decent job! You certainly knew your basics, but I had some problems.

In the prologue and the first few chapters, I noticed that there were some verbal tag errors. This didn't repeat itself for the rest of the book, so I think you realised your error. However, I will leave an example so you know what to look for:

"Mason Bounder." the man called out, his voice nasal and oddly high.

It should be:

"Mason Bounder," the man called out, his voice nasal and oddly high.

And a small typo:

Of course, he knows it is me. e knew I would come the moment...

I think you meant:

Of course, he knows it is me. He knew I would come the moment...

I also noticed some tense errors throughout your story. While your tenses were mostly consistent, there were some errors, I saw about seven throughout forty chapters—which is actually really good, considering the amount of writing! Here are some I noticed:

My bed had gold inlaid on it... ("had" is past tense. It should be "has".)

The blue paint had dried... (should be "has".)

I left without looking back. (Should be "I leave".)

So I recommend you clean that up.

Lastly, you used the wrong variation of the word here:

I can't breath. The air is too thick...

It should be:

I can't breathe. The air is too thick...

Overall, there are only a few errors, and it seems as though you have a good grasp on grammar! Well done, this was quite a clean read!

Characters: 4/5

I really enjoyed your characters a lot! They were extremely realistic in terms of their dreams, ambitions, and what they wanted to live for. They were very fun to read about, and the surprise perspective chapters were really good! I loved the look at the mind of the Jackal King—I thought it was a very good way to get inside your villain's head.

One main problem I had was Ethan and Gaven's relationship developed way too quickly. While it was sweet—and refreshing—to see a story with such a wholesome and genuine romance (I don't like love stories, but I'm a sucker for sweet romance), I would have loved to see a little more development. Especially since they said "I love you" to each other rather quickly. That's an extremely powerful thing to say, and has a lot of meaning, so couples usually say that a while into the relationship. I would recommend giving more time for the relationship to grow—but I noticed you'd already checked that off as a problem.

On the subject of your two main characters, if I had to be picky, I would say Ethan and Gaven were a little bit alike. Sometimes I would mix up who narrated the chapter because they sounded a little similar. I would suggest trying to give your characters defining quirks and hobbies, and personality traits that belong to them alone. That way, it's easier for readers to get a sense of your character. I've noticed some writers give main characters and their love interests opposite personalities (with some small things in common) which makes it easier to understand each of them. Of course, I'm being a little picky, and this is a suggestion.

Overall, wonderful characters! I loved reading about them and their perspectives!

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I think your writing style was definitely one of your strongest points! It was clear and cohesive, and had a good flow. It was a great narrative, and allowed the story to develop and progress well. I adored your usage of short sentences and emphasis (though I would recommend not using so much—trust me, I have that problem, too). It gave a lot of power to your words.

A main problem I had with your writing style, however, was that many sentences were like this:

I carefully...

I weave...

I have...

All these sentences were found in the first two paragraphs of Chapter I, right after each other. I recommend, when editing, you try to find these groups of sentences as they can sound a little awkward and stilted when reading (and most people only use it for emphasis if they do it on purpose). By putting a sentence starting differently, for example, you'll create some difference.

This could happen a couple of times throughout your story, so I recommend you clean that up. Other than that, you have an extremely clear and wonderful writing style! If I had to be picky, I would recommend some more descriptions of setting, but your character descriptions were done well and weren't over the top, and contained the right amount of information. Well done!

Plot + Originality: 4.5/5

I really enjoyed reading your story, especially due to the plot. I think it was a lovely take on stuff that happens in real life, too. It was really enjoyable to read about, and was paced very well. I did have some small problems, however.

Firstly, I did feel as if that scene when they robbed the house went a little too quickly and it seemed a little unrealistic. I'm being nit-picky here, too, as it was well-written, but something did seem a little off. I did feel as if some things happened a little too quickly without enough tension to leave the reader wondering. This is probably because this was quite a fast-paced book (which is not necessarily a bad thing), but I would recommend slowing things down a little so readers can feel a few more emotions throughout.

Other than that, you had a lovely plot that I highly enjoyed!

OVERALL SCORE: 21.5/25

That's a very high score! Overall, I think you have an amazing story, and with a little bit more editing it could become something even better. I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for the sequel as I enjoyed Ethan and Gaven's story a lot. Keep up the amazing work! I hope this helps.