Review by Ivy: An Obsidian Sword

51 6 2
                                    

Title: The Days

Author: MaryKhah77

Reviewer: Ivy279


Title + Cover: 4/5

I love the cover! It's elegant, simple, and really matches with the theme I believe your story is going for. I like that the girl is wearing a mask, since the story seems to be about her becoming a spy in another kingdom. The font is somewhat difficult to read at points because the color blends into the background picture, but still a great cover. The title is unique and fits the theme, like the cover. At this point I am not sure how it comes into play in the storyline, but I'm sure you have your reasons.


Summary: 3/5

Your summary definitely tells me enough about the plot to reel me in and leave me intrigued. You introduce the two primary characters and create high stakes that tell readers why we should care about them. It does it's job, but I believe it can be better executed. It's wordy and there are a few sentences with questionable structure that impedes the flow of the passage. You also introduced the two characters but don't mention what they have to do with each other, so it kind of feels like it's describing two different stories.


Initial Impressions: 7.5/10

I enjoyed this first chapter. You really set the scene, not only with the party but sprinkling just the right amount of world building throughout. It allowed the reader to feel engaged without it being an info dump. Your protagonist is likable, I felt immediately invested in her journey. You did a great job introducing the character dynamics between her and the prince, indulging in their friendship and history. The pace of the chapter was also commendable, giving us both mid chapter action as well as a heart wrenching cliff-hanger. From a plot, character, and hooking the reader standpoint you received all points. The reason I took a few points off was due to the fact that the writing itself could use some revision. I will go more detail in the next sections of this review. However, I read that you are in your early teens and this is your first story, so I know that certain writing mechanics will come with age and practice. You are writing significantly better than I was at your age! Anyone can learn to write well in English, but not everyone has the level of creativity that you have. That can't be taught, you were born talented!


Grammar + Punctuation: 8/10

I am not a grammar expert, but overall I noticed very few mistakes. I really had to go looking for them, and the ones I found were not distracting from the story.

One problem I noticed was the tense shifts. Your writing is regularly in past tense, but occasionally you slip into present tense. For example: The queen looks over to Jane, The queen lifts her hand. 

 

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