Sapphire's Review Store 2.0

Review by Gnome: Forbidden

Title: Forbidden

Author: cool_reader_

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 4.5/5

Overall, you have such an amazing summary! I think it's done so well, and it didn't give too much away—but it mentioned everything it needed to at the same time. I did have two very small problems, which I'll discuss now.

Firstly, this problem is me being extremely nit-picky, but this sentence did feel a bit informal to me (considering the formality of the rest of the summary):

Life couldn't be more perfect for her but it sure could get worse, right?

It's a wonderful rhetorical question, but I think it just feels off. This is just a suggestion, but maybe change it to something like:

Life may be perfect for her, but there's always a chance it could get worse.

Or something along those lines, as I felt that "right" was a bit too informal considering the tone of the blurb (and the fact that this story is set in the 1960s).

Lastly, in this sentence, I noticed there was a missing comma (and I believe some words should be changed or switched to make it sound a little less clunky):

Set in the 1960s, the book revolves around the life of an aspirant girl who, while trying to fit the pieces of the puzzles together soon is falling out of the puzzle herself.

I suggest you change it to:

Set in the 1960s, this book revolves around the life of an aspirant girl who, while trying to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, is soon falling out of the puzzle herself.

This is just a suggestion, of course.

Overall, a wonderful summary! I can tell you put effort into it, and it's very well done!

Grammar: 4/5

Overall, your grammar is pretty amazing. You know everything you need to, but I think your biggest problem is commas.

Commas are hard, so I completely understand. Your problem is that you, sometimes, don't use enough commas.

Here's an example:

I am snapped back to the brutal reality as I hear the Mayor, Mr Damsell softly tapping on the microphone.

There needs to be a comma after "Mr Damsell". This is due to the fact that his name is extra information, and if the sentence is written like ("Mayor" doesn't really need to be capitalised):

I am snapped back to the brutal reality as I hear the mayor, Mr Damsell, softly tapping on the microphone.

It needs another comma after it as these commas are working like brackets.

Another example of this is:

"...I really hope you come in terms with this decision Jessica..."

It should be:

"...I really hope you come to terms with this decision, Jessica..."

This is because the comma makes the sentence feel a little less cluttered.

Lastly, I noticed this small error. Sometimes, before a speech mark, you'd have a space that wasn't necessary:

"Let her go, " Mr Damsell says, appearing out of nowhere.

As you can see, there is an extra space, and it should be:

"Let her go," Mr Damsell says, appearing out of nowhere.

(This happened a few times—about three or four—so be careful.)

Overall, your grammar was done well—and there is obvious effort put into it—however, it does need some work when it comes to commas, and try to watch out for small typos.

Writing Style: 4/5

In general, I think your writing is superb. I really enjoy the way you write. However, I do think that there were some problems.

Here is a sentence from the chapter:

He laughs at my sarcastic humour blend perfectly with my strong dislike towards Mr Damsell.

The first thing I want to say is that this sentence is slightly telly as you tell us that she's being sarcastic (if you take into account the previous sentence as well). Maybe just say:

He laughs at my wisecrack...

("Wisecrack" basically means a joke or a quip.) Something like that so it doesn't sound sort of "telly" (I'm being nit-picky here). Secondly, the main reason I picked this sentence, is that the wording is quite awkward.

Here's another example I'll use to prove my point (this is the same sentence I used for grammar purposes):

I am snapped back to the brutal reality as I hear the Mayor, Mr Damsell softly tapping on the microphone.

"The brutal reality" does sound a bit clunky. I think you meant:

I am snapped back to brutal reality as I hear the Mayor, Mr Damsell softly tapping on the microphone.

Or something along those lines.

Another problem I had was that some sentences would be run-ons. They would repeat the same word over and over. I recommend using synonyms or rephrasing the sentence so that the word isn't repeated. This can be solved by a quick reread. (One of the biggest examples of these was when her father came up to speak—you said "speak" and "spoke" quite a bit.)

Characters: [no score - not added to final score]

Since there is only one chapter up right now, I couldn't get too much out of the characters. (That's completely normal, though, so don't worry about it.)

For a first chapter, I think the characters are alright. I got a little bit of the dynamic between Daniel and Jessica, and I learnt a little bit about our main character, too (and the fact that she has a hopeless crush on her best friend, which I thought was quite a fun touch).

If I had to be really picky, I'd have to say I had a bit of a problem with Eric. See, he came to the scene with no introduction. His name was simply mentioned and talked about with nothing before that. Maybe this was used for effect? Either way, it would have been better to say a little bit about Eric. Maybe he's a friend or a classmate? This way, the readers will get a small sense of who he is? You don't have to mention much about him, but his name popped up without any introduction.

Overall, I think your first chapter was done very well, and it was intriguing! I was definitely interesting in reading more.

Plot: [no score - not added to final score]

Since there is only one chapter so far, there is not much I can talk about when it comes to plot, but from the sound of the summary and the beautiful vintage feel of the first chapter, I was definitely into it. I always love how your stories have a hint of mystery to it, so I was definitely ready to read more! I always love a bit of historical fiction, too, as I find that really exciting as a lot of research goes into it.

Overall, not much I can say here, but it's definitely a wonderful premise. Well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 12.5/15

In general, you have an amazing first chapter. Clearly, lots of effort has been put into it.—watch out for some typos, and you'll have something wonderful in your hands. You are a wonderful writer! I hope this review helps.